h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

It was a perfect day. The sun was shining, with not a cloud in the sky.
It was the 150th consecutive sunny day, and our land was experiencing a severe drought.

I wish for a delicious eclair to enjoy with my coffee.

Surprisingly, the poison vastly improves the flavor and indeed it's the most amazing éclair and coffee you've ever had. It's also the last éclair and coffee you've ever had. You keel over dead only moments later.

I wish for... um... delicious cookies. Without any poison.

The cookies duly materialize on your computer opening a wormhole to the factory where you slide through into a vat of apple juice with no apparent way to climb out.

I wish I had the power to prevail over the capriciousness of the collective unconscious mind.

You are revealed to BE the unconscious mind of the masses. To prevent any more capriciousness, you are locked up safely. In the meantime the human world comes to an end, due to lack of an unconscious mind to correct people, leaving you alone and in control.

I wish I could think of more elaborate wishes suitable for corruption

You apply yourself to a study of the paradoxes of the classical Greek thinkers.

Soon you develop a flair for entrapment 'coming and going' that excites superstitious popular reaction.




I wish I had a better sense of when to run.

You know when to run. Unfortunately, you still don't know when to stop and succumb to exhaustion after running for days on end.

I wish I could play saxophone

You can play the sax like Jimi Hendrix's cognate from Keith Laumer's "Worlds of Imperium" alternate universe series.

Unfortunately a present universe patriotic vulgarian mistakes your "Anacreon in Heaven" for "The Star Spangled Banner".




I wish there were a bit more action on the h2g2 conversational threads.

A spambot has taken over the conversational threads

I wish this flu wouldn't ruin my last week of holiday

...as though the flu weren't enough...

...wa'al I'll leave it to your imagination what's worse...

I wish I had more time to soak my tired and swollen feet at the end of the day.

You fall asleep just as you've put your feet into a shallow bowl of warm water. When you wake up, your feet have been soaking for two hours, and they're as wrinkled as prunes.

I wish we could stall global warming, so millions won't die of heat stress or crop-failure-induced starvation.

There's a thought, calls for a plan, heading off disaster by means of rotating crops to those more suited to the changing climate... ...the Ancient Regime of pre-revolutionary France tried that in response to the little ice age, only to be defeated by peasant conservatism.

I wish I knew the way of defeating the curse of human stupidity.

That was tried in "Flowers for Algernon"
http://www.cliffsnotes.com/literature/f/flowers-for-algernon/book-summary
The flaw was that the surgery dramatically increased mental intelligence while undermining social intelligence -- i.e., signs of disrespect by his associates are now perceived and resented. Charlie can't make new friends, and he loses the old ones. Worse, he's now so smart that there's no one else who can relate to him, and vice versa.

I wish scientists could develop a type of coffee bean that would grow in Boston. That way I could grow my own coffee and not have to worry about global warming disrupting the areas where coffee is now grown.

Two for one! Global warming has made your climate perfect for growing coffee.

I wish I still had my old sail boat, as my house is now under 20 feet (3 metres) of water.

Ten feet is often adequate water under a keel.

Mine only needed 4 1/2 feet, it is amassing how easy it is to find a four foot patch of water

But let's get back to corrupting wishes

You have your sail boat. Unfortunately it was moored too tight and only the mast is visible above the water.

I wish the mouse I saw just now leaves the house voluntarily.

The mouse leaves, but only because its evicted by a much larger rat.

I wish I could think of a better rat control measure than keeping a captive squirrel.

You have a pet tiger (basically a big cat) Although the home comfort was maybe better off with just rats, as tiger dung is highly pumgent.

I wish I had fish and chips right now.

Pungent, that is...