h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

My kids' paternal grandparents tried to have the boys call them grandmother and grandfather and were put out when they found nanny and grandad easier to say for my parents.

I have to admit I find the whole calling someone by their job title a bit weird. I don't call my dentist 'dentist' so why should I call my mother 'mum'.

I don't know if this relates to having more than one mother - and not wanting to show preference for mum over step mum and vise versa.

It's one of those annoying things because I am aware that it is at odds with the rest of society, and also with myself using my professional title in my personal life.

It is a relationship rather than a job title. Do you feel the same about calling a friend 'mate' or your wife 'love' (or other term of endearment)? I sometimes call my brother bro or he calls me sis.

Ah, you see that's the point. From my son it's not a job title. It's like him saying 'special person in my life'. But it does annoy me when others treat it like a job title, by saying 'And how is Mum today' to *me*.

with kelli. Great minds, except hers has an excellent analogy.

In fact it is the specialness of the relationship, you could have any old dentist, the person performing the function is not that important.

Do you feel the same way about parents, that you could swap anyone into the role? I guess you've done this already with step parents soaube that is why you feel like that?

But I never really thought of my mother as a special person in my life. She just gave birth to me, I don't really feel any special feelings or obligations towards her. I mean it must have been painful, but lots of women have given birth, and I don't think it deserves a special title just for giving birth.

again.

My mother was never my primary carer, my father was for the pre-school days, then my step mum was. My father couldn't be a 'Dad' because I'd read about Dads in books, and they went out to work, rather than staying at home and looking after you. So he wasn't a Dad either.

One mothers day we made cards (with daffodils on) for our mothers to 'thank them for doing all the looking after'. I gave it to my father at the school gates, and said 'I think that this is for you, it's for looking after me'.

Fair point, but I don't think Mama is a reward for giving birth. I'd also like any child I adopted to call me that, although depending on how young they were I wouldn't, of course, insist if they were old enough to feel that they wanted only one Mama. It is for the cherishing. It's not even for being the main caregiver. In fact, my son kept getting Mama and Papa mixed up when he was younger and even settled on mamapapa or papamama at ransom for a while, which would have been fine by me too if he had continued. I get your point about gender stereotyping too, but...

Ok, another point in the 'am I weird' section.

Should I have at some stage felt some feeling of 'love' towards my mother or stepmother? I mean I was grateful to my stepmother for cooking, and she was a better cook than my mum, and grateful for the lego they brought me.

I've been reading about the psychology of adoption and feeling 'attached' to a caregiver is supposed to be a big deal, as in if a child isn't attached it's a disaster and the child will end up damaged.
I honestly don't remember *ever* feeling a particular feeling of 'love' or 'attachment' towards my parents.

And you know what? It isn't a big deal, I'm fine.

*thinks more*

No I'm fine. I think I did feel an attachment towards my Dad.

Lots of people don't feel a particular attachment towards their fathers, particularly if they didn't bring them up. So obviously it's possible to be emotionally well balanced and only attached to one parent. It's probably quite common.

I still don't see any need to call him 'Dad' though.

Ah but the Mama thing isn't my son's quirk, it's mine. I've no idea what he thinks when he says Mama. Probably, 'she likes that and she might read me a story if I say it'. I don't think it *necessarily* means they love/ don't love you. Plus, motherlove is very hormonal. In the long run, I'm more concerned that I'll like my children.

Plus, by our age it's mainly habit, I'd imagine. I call my husband 'Boris' and if I had to get used to suddenly calling him 'Tom' that would be weird too. For a while, anyway.

I tend to feel with my family like people who shared a house. I have the same level of attachment to my university flatmates. I think of the terms 'mum' and 'dad' as being nicknames.

They don't really signify a relationship to me. Hence me using them for different people.

Now perhaps I was over attached to my university flatmates...

Over the years I've called my mother Mammy, Mummy, occasionally Mum (but only because that was a label other people around me at a certain age used for their mothers) and settled on Mother once I reached adulthood. Growing up in the 70s I was aware that there was a move towards use of parental first names to make political statements about equality and valuing people for who they were not what they did. I considered it for a while but it felt too artifical and impersonal for me.

These days I mostly call her by her real name. As her dementia increased she became confused if I said 'Mother' - unsure if I was talking to her or about her own mother so to stop her fretting on where her own mother was we switched completely to Realname.

Her care home staff now insist on talking to me about her as 'Mum', not even 'your mother' or 'Mrs real surname'. This leads to bizarre care review meetings in her presence where my sister and myself exclusively use 'Realname' to her and care home staff use 'Mum' . Infuriating that THEY insist on the relationship label.

MC

"Ma", and "Da", both to them and about them. But while I'd also sometimes say "my mother" or "my father", I'd never use those words to address them. No idea why, really.