h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

But what about bedtime

Bedtime is the best time for a 'Horlicks Fart'. A gentle bronx emission that relaxes you and sets you up for a good nights sleep.

I have also noticed that sometimes, admittedly very very rarely, a fart does not actually smell unpleasant, it still smells, but it smells well...okay. I think these are 'Good Bacteria Farts'

You could write a whole dictionary on them. The Morning Glory, The Karate Man (sneaks up behind you and suddenly slaps you on the back of the neck), The Whisper, The Last Post. Theres loads.

That prompts me toask this question: why do our own farts smell okay to us but ghastly to everyone else (and vice versa), when presumably, farts generally smell pretty similar being made of the same ingredients?

A dictionary, or maybe a guide entry ;-D

A673508

Strangely I seem to be down as one of the authors but I seem to be having an amnesia attack on what I actually wrote for it

Hmmm, my farts smell as bad to me as other's do. But it is a good question though. I guess somewhere there is something which absorbs all the methane.

What intrigues me is .... why are the quiet ones the worst? The noisy ones are usually more sound than substance - but those silent-but-violent ones stink to high heaven.

Not speaking about me, of course, just those flatulent men I live with

It is strange, isn't it?

I reckon it could all be down to energy or something. The loud noisy BRATs expand energy in the noise making made during their expulsion so they have less energy left to make an impact nasally, wereas the silent sneaky ones just slope out, expending no energy in their course of emission, so they have loads of energy concentrated in their stinkiness.

funny how both have the capacity to cause laughter though, the noisy ones at their sound, the silent ones at their 'god that was bloomin awful' effect

Is finding humour in flatulence a universal thing? Or are there some societies on this planet which don't find farting funny?

*wonders if they could make a smiley. Would be almost the same as but with one jet, placed slightly further down - and possibly a guilty expression?

I lost a girlfriend once because of a fart. She was so paranoid about "Bathroom" noises, she would ask me to turn the stereo up and then go outside the house while she visited the little room.

We were making sweet love one day when completely accidentily I released a small "Parp" (Very small I do hasten to add).

She left the house soon after and I never saw her again - I had apparently "Appalled" her with my behaviour...........

Pffff, well rid I reckon.
I wonder if she ever found *anyone* she could deal with...

On this subject, I once saw an ominous looking item in the window of a sex shop in Amsterdam. It was a black rubber all encasing head mask with two tubes leading from the nose. At the other end of the tubes was a bung. I was mystified, and being with other mates we went in to ascertain its function.

Apparently, the mask is put on and the "Bung" end is then inserted into your (or anyone elses I presume) ermmmm......"bottom". The then released pure undiluted fart is then (I assume) savoured by the mask wearer.

Honest, I am not making this up and no, I did not purchase one.

Which leads me onto saving the planet by actually "lighting" them on emission so they cannot go on to join the fart layer. Great student fun for all the family

A farting gimp mask

An object that definately should be used in a task on the next series of I'm a Celebrity get me out of here.

Would be a good tool to stop someone from farting. Speaking of which, what do astronauts do when they fart?

>> Speaking of which, what do astronauts do when they fart? <<

Laugh, I imagine. Then suffer.

RF

Naah, they bottle it all up for the seven day mission then stick their arses out of the back simultaneously and let rip.

How else do you think they change the shuttle's orbital trajectory to achieve reentry.

I suppose if it happens often enough they get used to it.


Then it progresses to getting addicted to it.


Then they start making furtive trips to Amsterdam to buy equipment for it.

My guess would be that they simply don't eat anything that could lead to flatulance.. Probably all part of their pre-flight training- testing what foods cause them least gaseous outflow as not everyone's gut reacts the same to various foodstuffs..

I can't speak for the entire population of the world, but everyone I've given cream of Jerusalem Artichoke soup to has suffered from a severe case of the Silent-but-Deadlies the following day.

A bunch of (admittedly, rather herbally influenced) mates of mine once started a fun catalogue of fart positions. Can't remember them all, but here are a few, do continue the tradition:

*Fart Position *1*

The classic. Ever tried searching under the bed for something? Yup, kneeling down, bum in the air....i defy anyone not to fart. Can actually be used in emergency indigestion cases.Must be difficult at times in the mosque

*Right cheek lift off.

Often used by office workers. Observe, my friends, as the sneaky little soul leans closer to the screen & the buttock rises, oh so gently. A small, satisfied expression ensues, followed by a furtive look around, then an air of utter innocence.

*Left cheek lift off.

Politically incorrect to exclude our caggy-handed companions from all the fun.

*The Concorde.

No, the days of the sonic boom are not over. This reqires practice & is the ultimate accolade.One needs to be totally in tune with one's inner gases, have a great sense of timing & a long uncluttered space.

Take up position, arms outstretched, nose pointed directly ahead.

Start run up, increase speed as appropriate to length of runway

Take off!

Sonic boom *must* be emitted at height of the short flight, before descent in order to qualify.

Descend, glide gracefully to your parking slot and accept and

*This manouver should NOT be attempted in a narrowboat with low wooden beams full of people, since it results in a trip to casualty and a nasty horizontal scar upon the forehead and the simply does not believe the explanation for the injury.

Terri*off to find my "Is w**king necessary?" thread, what pleasant people we are on this jolly little site.*