h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I am currently in the persuit of more letters. (I seek to have more letters than name eventually) so I am applying for a PhD. All this fiddling with CVs has got me thinking: what would be the worse thing to put on a CV.

'Hobbies and Interests'

"I play an active part in our local BDSM community and have gained valuable organisational and IT skills by organising out monthly play party'

'As a mascochist I am ideally suited to working in the NHS'

' I can live for 28 days on just Quality St that I find on wards...'

...my thick skinned mentality and inability to care of the regards of others makes me especially suited for dealing with ill-tempered and incompetant managers...

(how did you know that bit about BDSM was on my CV already?)

"I'm known for having lots of patients"

Oh that's considered to be good..

oh yes,

I see.

you provide personalised homecare for senile dementia patients and enjoy driving your Lamborghini Reventon

Come on- these don't have to all be medical..

Special requirements: Unlimited computer access to keep up with my facebook and second life commitments.

email addresses like:

[email protected]
[email protected]

exotic fonts

Putting your mum down as a reference.

Handwritten ones in pencil on lined paper with pink kittens in the margin are quite off putting.


Membership of organisations such as Animal Liberation Front or Countryside Alliance may also raise eyebrows, especially if you list them both on the same CV.

When can you leave off your A Levels?

I have to admit I haven't put my grades on this one - they weren't very good (all Bs) and I only got in on an exception (I missed A's by 1 or 2 marks in each one).

I'm not sure anyone really looks at the grades, but often people are interested *where* you went to school eg was it a well known public one, or a reformed school, or anything in between. And don't believe it if they tell you it shouldn't make any difference to the selection process.

Well this is a more prestigous University - so yes that probably does matter..

Comic Sans MC on a CV!

I have been known to refuse to sign letters that are printed in Comic Sans MC.

I have also got a bit of complex saying 'my secretary' whilst typing at 70wpm, but anyway I share her with 5 other people so she's hardly 'my secretary'.

You want more letters after your name?

How about putting on GBH (Strangeways) after your name?

How about putting in a strong interest in base jumping and other dangerous sports.

You go once a year on a 3 month hike through the himalayas...

"I gained valuable experience in procurement and invoice validation during my work experience placement with the Baader Meinhof gang."

With judicious use of stimulants, I am able to stay awake for several consecutive days. The only side effect is some minor teeth grinding.

As a bisexual I am comfortable seeing both men and women naked.

'I feel that where practicable, it is beneficial to the company to employ only attractive people at all levels. Except perhaps for the cleaners as we dont need to see them in the course of a normal day. This helps to maintain a better aesthetic standard in the workplace and stops everybody being distracted by how gorgeous I am.'

A list of all your scout badges.

Oh wait, I did see that once...

RF

A list of which teachers were particularly proud of your primary school achievements...

Hell, a selection of the best 'comments' given on your work throughout your education. Much like the quotes used on books and films.

'Excellent work, you've got the hang of your punctuation!'

'Well done.'

'Concise and accurate' (which is of course only an exerpt from a longer quote saying that perhaps more than three lines would have been preferable)