h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

In the morning paper it's written that the monks tried the old vacuum-cleaner method before calling in the expert. We also use the Hoover against our annual invasions - big black crawling and flying ants. Ugh! Any suggestions on ant pest control very welcome at Llareggub House!

The Football League board is to consider a proposal to scrap draws and decide matches by penalty shoot-outs, BBC Five Live understands.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/6452013.stm

I thought it was April 1st when I saw this. I'm sure penalty shoot-outs aren't the answer as they're too much of a lottery.

Not really news, but it should be:

http://www.planetfusion.co.uk/~pignut/cheese.html

I just heard a chap on CNN News say that 1.3 billion people now speak English. That must be nearly a quarter of the world's population.

actually a 1/5th - but I guess that is nearly 1/4

Pedantic as ever! (big wink)

"As an individual, I would not want [acceptance of gay behaviour] to be our policy, just like I would not want it to be our policy that if we were to find out that so-and-so was sleeping with somebody else's wife, that we would just look the other way, which we do not. We prosecute that kind of immoral behaviour," he said.

Do we? Maybe the US still has weird anti-adultry laws, but over here people are not packed off to jail for nookey with a married woman (are they, are they coming to take me away? )

Mugabe tells critics to 'go hang' but Robert that is the whole problem we don't want you to do that any more.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/africa/6454827.stm

I've got family in Zim. I lost contact with them some time ago, daren't try to get back in touch, for fear of finding out how they are.

Bob's bought a house near me. Nobody's moved in yet. Hope they never do.

Trapped hamster saved by vacuum

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/staffordshire/6449759.stm

Glamour model Jordan - real name Katie Price - has taken the title of Celebrity Mum of the Year

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/6454103.stm

"The general public showed in their voting just how much they respect and admire her as a mother," said Grattan boss Mike Hancox.

What planet is Mike on? The results and previous years' results simply indicate that the public merely vote for the most famous person who also just happens to have kids.

Babies now have to be monitored from birth till they go to school, to see if they fulfill all the correct goals such as gurgling and playing with their toes properly.

http://education.guardian.co.uk/earlyyears/story/0,,2033356,00.html

I can´t quite believe it, must be some april 1st joke that was published too early. Mostly it reminds me of the way children are indoctrinated in Brave New World.

"Complete a simple program on a computer?"

I hope that means press the right buttons to make it go beep, and not actually writing a program.

What are they going to do if they can't gurgle, arrest them?

I loved the goals at the bottom 'At 60 months they will be able to complete a simple computer programme' My kids aint getting near a computer at the age of 5!

Simpost there, you liked that one too, Mr D?

Yes indeedy...

I've had a computer at home ever since I can remember. At age five I could barley comprehend the relationship between pressing a key and the letter appearing on screen... but then compared to modern kids who are inundated with hi-tech gadgets from day one I lived in the stone age.

http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/article.html?in_article_id=41239&in_page_id=2

I find it disturbing that Germany has "post boxes for unwanted babies".

RF

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2007/03/16/nz_council_sues_self/

"A New Zealand council has taken itself to court and successfully been fined $4,800,"
"It will pay itself the fine, minus the court's 10 per cent cut. "

Reddyfreddy some US states have laws that babies can be left churches, fire station and hospitals without prosecution. the effect is that less babies abanded at places that they are found death.