h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

We've exported McDonald's, Rikki Lake, and Baywatch because we hate to suffer alone.

As for American football, it's the thinking man's sport, and is therefore not for everybody.

American football? Are we talking about the same thing? 22, 48, 27, hut, hut, KILL!? It seems to me that American Football is less physical than rugby, less cerebral than Trivial Pursuit, and about as aesthetic as Little-League Sumo. I have watched the game on and off for about 15 years and have yet to find anything of note, except Hot-Dogs and the Draft. Incidentally, for those yanks with chips on their shoulders, please check my earlier post. I'm sure I said I was broadly in favour of the USA. You have the right to bear arms.......I prefer my women to bear children, personally. I find that complete bodies function better.

I'd like to arm bears.

What about Jerry Springer Show? (I've just heard about it. I never seen it and I am proud of it!)

Just on a tangent - does anyone know where I can get hold of some of that glorious peanut butter they make in the US without having to go there and get it. We in the UK don't seem to have quite got the hang of it yet......the texture's all wrong....sorry I've just run out and I'm panicing about breakfast tommorow.

Any help greatly appreciated, esp if you're an American and would like to ship a regular supply of JIF over here....please

In return for British Jif, which you probably can't get over there?

If you seriously need peanut butter, why not look up "peanut butter" and post there? Surely that's the best place to find US peanut butter lovers, rather than the home conversation of Xenophobes International with a somewhat anti-US topic...?

22...48...27...red! red!...hut!

Less physical than rugby: hardly. Watch rugby very closely sometime, and you'll notice that the ball-carrier is almost never tackled head-on, and that only when the runner makes a collosal blunder. Helmets and pads convey a sense of invulnerability, so the contact is much more brutal, and more often injuring.

Less mental than trivial pursuit: You've won a point there, but what isn't? But whereas most sports don't evolve much beyond "put the ball/puck into/over that hoop/net/wall," a discussion of the strengths and weaknesses of the cover-2 defense could fill a week-long seminar schedule. It's chess with animated pieces, all intent on destruction. The violence has its appeal, but most fans get wrapped up in it for the complex strategy, which is far above and beyond that required in ANY other sport.

Little-League Sumo: well, I've never seen sumo wrestlers make one-handed catches, dragging the tips of their toes as they drift toward the sideline. I've never seen one race 100 yards, nimbly threading through 10 crazed maniacs (and one pipsqueak kicker), evading tacklers in a hypnotic sort of dance. Oddly enough, you don't see this sort of thing in rugby, either.

Personally, I rather liked watching it on Channel 4 (UK TV) when the games were edited to take out most of the pauses, and the commentators were good. After Channel 5 took the coverage over and started showing entire live games, I taped + tried to watch a few, but gave up when I got bored of fast-forwarding past all the commentary to get to the snippets of game inbetween.
Rather like cricket, it seems to be one of those games that cries out for many hours of work in the cutting room before broadcast.

Regarding the strategy, I can see there *is* a lot in it, but given neither side knows exactly what the other one's going to do, do the finer details of a particular strategy get much chance to be put into effect.

For example, (bearing in mind how little I know) if an offensive plan calls for player X to run fast and far up the left side, then dart towards the middle, with various other people doing their bit blocking and/or distracting the opposition, is there much that a quarterback could actually rely on happening, apart from player X *trying* to do what he'd planned. Presumably, there's a massive amount of adaptation to circumstances happening from the moment people start running/dodging/falling over each other.?
Is it just that when the plans *do* work out, that's when you tend to make better than average progress.?

Also, I'm no particular fan of rugby, (I'm much better designed for potholing) but I should point out that :
a) Sometimes people do make pretty amazing runs in rugby as well.
and
b) The players tend to play entire games from start to finish.

I see that it is impossible to stop anyone 'swampping H2G2 with their meaningless and generaly uncultured drivel'.
For prove see above and just about any othe part of the guide (I suggest starting with marmite becuase it's better than peanut butter).

The quarterback has to rely on other players making the right plays, because this is a team game. The offensive line has to protect him properly, picking up any blitzes/stunts/straight out pass rushes. This can be aided if he fakes a handoff to a running back, which may/may not freeze the defensive line and secondary, depending on how well the defense reads the situation. Then player X has to execute his route well, and an aggressive cornerback might jam him a bit at the line of scrimmage, throwing off the timing of the entire play. So player X has to fight through that, run fast and hard upfield, convincing the cornerback that he intends to continue upfield. A sharp cut inside can then cause the corner to slip and fall, but now player X may be headed directly to the zone patrolled by the free safety. So somebody has to negotiate the safety by a) sending another receiver into the zone he patrols, thereby clearing him out of the picture b) a pump-fake (this is what they call it when the qb acts like he's going to throw the ball, then pulls it down) to another receiver in the other direction. c) the run fake mentioned earlier.

Now you can see that there are tons of things happening at once, and everybody winning their particular battle is necessary for success. But not everything has to go according to plan in order for their to be success. The quarterback generally has at least three receivers he can throw to on any given play. So if player X falls on his butt, or is double-covered by the safety, he can dump it off to a running back for a few yards. Additionally, if the qb is overly pressured, he can run it himself, or just throw it away. And if the qb is pressured, he can roll out to one side or another, buying more time for player X to get open, but player X will have to adjust his route accordingly.

So, yes, there is a lot of adjustment. The qb can even call another play at the line of scrimmage if he feels the defensive setup is unfavorable. And the defense can use this to advantage, by disguising their coverages and blitz packages. This all means that the players have to be able to think on the field, rather than acting as automatons to be directed by the coaches.

As for the delays, I don't think Americans are bothered much by them, especially since they are few compared to our formerly most popular game, baseball. The time between plays is only 40 seconds long, and this gives us time to watch the replays, analyze the situation and suggest the next play call (a practice known as playing "armchair quarterback"), and above all, go get another beer.

I think you may be aiming your anger at the wrong group of people.
I think most of the yanks on this site appreciate British culture very much.Why else would we be at a site created by a very talented and pee in my pants funny kind of guy?You don't have to answer that unless you feel the need to release all that pent up anger.

And...as far as the uncultured thing perhaps you would be so kind as to share some of your wisdom with us so that we may learn how not to step on your toes again.Funny...as I write that last bit I keep thinking '...or you could kiss my american ass' but that would be rude and uncultured.

Most interesting, thanks. In planning terms, it does seem to be teetering on the brink of chaos, but I suppose if you can stay just the right side of chaos... Presumably the players that can't don't generally make it. (Unless they're built like a brick shithouse, in which case you just get them to stand still, and hide behind them.)

40 seconds? Those commentators made it feel like hours. Actually, that brings me on to another question. How (when) did the current rules develop. Before electronic timekeeping, which can presumably help with the fine details of timing (and presumably allow the crowd to join in and see the countdown), were there lots of guys hanging around with stopwatches checking out all the different allowable delays?

Also, baseball's got *more* delays? How come? I thought it was just [pitch / hit / run in a circle] repeated however many times.

"Kiss my american ass"......hmm, does that imply that you have an un-american ass as well? Perhaps an entire collection of asses, hung on the walls like trophies. By the way, I thought an ass was a kind of donkey. I assume that's what you mean............

Even though I am half american by birth, I am a proud Canadian
and therefor like any good Canadian I enjoy making american jokes
I can see how they have swamped h2g2, but we just have to deal with them. Americans are born with an ego to match the size of their country when it comes to any international matter. We must try to help them and tolerate their presence.

I have spent quite a bit of time in the good 'ole USofA over the last couple of years. In general, the folks there are lovely people as individuals. The thing that grates me every time is their inability to accept that the rest of the world is not like them and may have no desire to be like them.

When I last ran into a gaggle of Seppos (septic tanks/yanks for those who aren't up on rhyming slang)it was in Mexico where they were complaining about the standard of hotel that we were staying in. "Why can't they build hotels like the ones in the US?" This of course begs the question Why do you leave your country? For most people travel broadens the mind but for seppos it just gives them a chance to complain.

I enjoy parts of US culture as much as the next blind consumer (where would life be without the Simpsons?) but that doesn't mean I want their homogenous view to take over the world.

Could somebody invent a symbol that we could use for "Go to thread X where the answer's been for the last millennium, you thicko"? Then us Zenophobes could continue to keep company with people who know what we're talking about and some rather nice cultured Yanks (Steve K or Irving Washington come to mind) without having to let off steam so often.

Excuse me?

*not amused*

'Spotted' and 'deemed important enough to comment on' aren't necessarily one and the same.

Hmmm.. and after reading the thread, I'm still not amused. I have one thing to say.. Why don't you intolerant prigs go crawl back under your rock and let the rest of us enjoy *International* culture as we choose?