h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

"Fooling with mother nature again, dear?" she replied. It was more of an instinct, actually. She had long ago decided that what her husband did downstairs was none of her business, unless whatever it was that he was working on broke loose from its chains and came upstairs and ravaged her....

"Oh my," she sighed. "I think I'll go and have a lie down. Take care dear."

"What are you working on love?", she asked casually. To which he replied, "Shut your pucilimous piehole woman!", and stamped off to the basement, giving the door a resounding slam behind him. She went back to stuffing the meatpies without giving it another thought. "Strange that there always seems to be plenty of fresh meat around", she muttered to herself in an unconcerned manner....

"Welcome to Club Med Hanged Man everybody, let's do crazy signs!!" That explained the Fresh Meat...but it didn't explain...

...why she kept wetting the bed. Perhaps she should eat less...

Despite her doctor's advice that her constant drinking was at the root of the problem...

Meanwhile, the storm continued unabated, rattling shutters and generally attempting to get in out of the weather...

...that was turning very nasty indeed; freezing cold, flashes and lightning, even hail the size of eggs...

Actually, they were eggs, dropped by a flock of very nervous geese.

Inside, the Throbblefoot Spectre was on the haunt in the lavitory where it scared the s**t out of Parson...

"," said Parson. ""

"What a potty mouth!" said the spectre as he withdrew.

The vaulted cellar was lit only by the glow of old paraffin lamps, and the wierd equipment clustered around the the damp walls. Rats scuttled across the floor, eager to get to more cheery haunts. Apart from the steady dripping of water the only sound was the laboured breathing of the landlord, tongue protruding from his mouth, as he tensely poured a clear, smoking substance from a vial into the large cauldron he had set up in the middle of the floor.

"Mad, am I?" he was muttering, "Dabbling in areas that man should fear to tread in, am I? I'll show them... show them all!!!". He consciously inserted the extra exclamation marks, aware that a deranged tirade wasn't complete without them.

The cauldron gave a threatening rumble, then began emitting a ghostly white light.

"Yes! Yes! Yes! The heady cocktail of immortality! It was so simple, just like the scrolls said... vodka, Red Bull, a dash of lime and the tears of a phoenix! Now I shall live forever!!!"

He surveyed the mixture, beaming, then his face fell a fraction.

"It doesn't look like much though. A bit dull. Maybe a cherry... and an umbrella..."

He plopped in the cherry and, to his horror, the mixture turned a violent red and began boiling out of the cauldron.

"FOOL!" cried a loud and sneering voice, "YOUR BARMAN'S INSTINCTS HAVE PROVEN YOU UNWORTHY OF IMMORTALITY! NOW YOU SHALL NEVER SUP THE CUP OF ETERNAL LIFE!"

"Oh, bugger". And so he went off to find a mop.

Meanwhile, in the smoking ruins of Moscow...

... James Bond had done it again with a tank. Somehow, there was a typo in the MI6 computers, and instead of the newly refurbished Aston with extra holders and more gadgets you could shake a stick at, there was a very large tank. Not a military tank, mind you, but a very large fish tank, with wheels and more gadgets you could shake a stick at.

A few months previously, this was the scene at HQ.

>Q, what's this?

>Bond, it appears that someone mixed a few things up... this (points to the tank), was meant to be my retirement present, but somehow, it got mixed up with your Aston over there...

And sure enough, as Q pointed in a melancholy fashion, there was the Aston, full of .

Bond went to take a closer look.

>Don't worry Q. Plenty more fish in the sea

>Oh grow up Bond! Anyway. Here's your new tank. Now pay attention Bond! I can't be doing with your childish endeavours here. Now, it's complete with bullet proof glass, and standard rocket launchers, with in built filtration system.

>Filtration system?

>It *is* a fish tank.

>So that means my Aston won't be ready then.

>No - cost cutting means that you're stuck with my tank.

>Well at least when I come in for the coup de grace, I'll be breathing easily

So as you can see, there were a lot of confused Muscovites, wondering why a mad Englishman was driving a tank through Red Square.

Meanwhile... back in the cellar... the immortality potion had swollen to ten times its original size and was now making a for it.

It crept up the steep cellar steps... and crept and crept and crept... at this rate it would make the crypt before the


shazz

...except the landlord had locked the cellar door.

The potion instead turned to the laundry chute and began to accend...

... only to be swept back by a load of laundry coming the other way. Shhets, underthings, clothes and the bruised, hopeless serum were dumped into a basket at the end of the chute.

The laundry belonged to Sharleen the chambermaid, who had never risen very high in her chosen profession, being neither French or sexy. She was well annoyed when she found all her washing dyed a virulent red, but when she put the clothes on they instantly made her immortal, which she decided made up for her looking like a strawberry. She subsequently gave her notice, went to Egypt and became a goddess.

Meanwhile, in his room, the dying man was not at all surprised to find himself confronted with the grim spectre of Death...

...Kieth Richards, who had just flown in on the Concord. The pilot of the plane said, forshadowingly, to a flight attendant "...

'Can you smell burning rubber?'


shazz

'Sure' came the reply. 'I reckon we've just got another member of the Mile-High Club. Hope we've got enough Durex for the return flight'

"EEEEW!!!" said fourty-seven passengers in unisen. Meanwhile, back at the Inn, Peggy, a perky Scottish woman of twenty, climbed...

...the apple tree to get her cat down. A cameraman, lookin up, said to her "...

..."by gor that's huge! I've never seen one that large! Why that tree must be 60ft tall! Incredible!!... oh, oh, look out Miss! Look out for that..."

...mountainlion!"

The big cat lunged at Peggy and she fell into the cameraman's arms. She leaned close to his ear and whispered "...