h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

... he shambled back to the coach and rummaged around inside. when he came back out he had a lurch instead.

He lurched towards the shadows and dragged out the urchin that had been hiding there..

"Where's the back entrance?" He asked the frightened boy.

'Erm, isn't that illegal?' asked the urchin, trembling...

The urchin boy resisted the urge to make a wise crack and, instead, pointed, quaveringly , at a very small door hidden amongst the copious ivy growth.

'It be thaar masser'

he quailed, although the quail soon ran off into the undergrowth

'I dunno if it will open tho... the lord ordered it locked last week!'

shazz

Servants scurried to and frow but froze when the ancient grandfather clock struch twelve-fifteen, as if waiting for something, or someone, to reviel itself.

Almost on cue, a massive iron chandelier plummeted from the dark recesses of the ceiling and smashed a nearby table.

The patron was so shocked that he shattered the glass he was holding with his bare hand! Blood trickled down his arm and left red teardrops on the granite floor.

The servants darted into doorways and into the vast darkness, which they all felt was growing nearer to the Inn like an ominous hangman's coach from days of yore...

"anyway" said the landlord "as i was saying before the blacksmith and his wife with those lovely"
"oi" said the barmaid
"twins woman, twins.now shut up"
"well we all thought they was a luverly pair and the kids as well (and dont ask where or when i picked up the accent!)sweet as can be u know the all of a sudden one day.............emy and gemy thatd b the twins u know well they upd and left just went 5 years old and the next morning.................

"anyway" said the landlord "as i was saying before the blacksmith and his wife with those lovely"
"oi" said the barmaid
"twins woman, twins.now shut up"
"well we all thought they was a luverly pair and the kids as well (and dont ask where or when i picked up the accent!)sweet as can be u know the all of a sudden one day.............emy and gemy thatd b the twins u know well they upd and left just went 5 years old and the next morning.................

"Erm," said the patron, "could i get a bandage for m..m..my hand I .....think.....i'm..........." and promptly passed out from blood loss. The Landlond continued to babble, but the barkeep...

...who was a bright young fellow, forced back his fascination at seeing the blood flow, and quickly applied a bandage.

Beanwhile, upstairs, a guest hurried down the corridor when s trap door dropped him into...

... the quivering bosom of the barmaid, who quickly fished him out and barred him for life.

Meanwhile, on the narrow, rutted road to the Hanged Man inn, a ghostly white vehicle was creeping closer... and closer... the black horses tethered to it bucked and whinnied frantically as they passed under the arch and into the grim courtyard of the inn. Now a dark- cloaked figure descended from the trap, the rain sluicing off of the hood that hid most of his face, only a cruel, sharp nose visible. Moving with reptilian race, the figure moved to the back of his trap and retrieved a dark bag. A cruel chuckle escaped his lips, as he remembered something funny he had heard the other day. Then, his footsteps echoing on the empty expanse of cobbles, he glided over to the back door and, with a satisfied grunt, deposited two milk bottles there.

Yes, it was only the milkman. But it was that kind of night.

Suddenly a shrill scream sliced through the dark like a hot needle sliding beneath a fingernail...

... and running from the stable came Drusilla, the milkmaid, followed shortly by the limping stable boy, Derek, who seemed to be walking a bit hunched over and to the left.

"Honestly Dru, come back! I promise I won't pull anything like that again!"

But Dru hated it when someone put ants on her...

the tap, tap, tap of his ebony cane unnerving the horses in their wooden stalls. the shadow grew nearer and the sky above him seemed to boil in his wake. the great thunder clouds rolled and turned and lightning struck the ground nearby sending white hot tendrils of electricity over the cobbles...

oops sorry wrong thread....

...said the seemstress, mending the cloak of a short, and not all that intimidating incarnation of Death, who, being rebellious to the death culture, renamed himself...

... Mr. Fuzzy, the Cuddly Reaper. He lost all his friends, but gained some self- respect.

Meanwhile, back in the Hanged Man, Scrotus the poacher shambled in with a bag over his shoulder. Suddenly the bag began to wriggle and squeak, to the amazement of the New Age travellers at the nearest table, who had just stopped in for some carrot juice . This was nothing compared to their surprise when Scrotus hefted the bag from his shoulder and smashed it against the bar. There was a damp squeak, and then nothing.

The poacher chuckled phlegmily and spat expertly into the spitoon, then turned to his usual table in the corner ...

... where, to his horror, he saw an ethereal, glowing figure. Squinting slightly, he gave a gasp of horror. It was a deer, a fine antlered creature, with a crossbow bolt through its head as if it was wearing an amusing hat. Scrotus recognised it; he had killed it last week.

The deer advanced, swaying slightly:
"You killed me ... you killed me..."

Screeching in terror, he turned to run, only to trip over a small ghostly rabbit, dripping gore, dragging a huge jaw- trap behind it.

"Squeak" it intoned, in a voice from the crypt.

The poacher gave a bellow of sheer terror and, to the bemusement of the rest of the bar, ran screaming outside and into the ditch on the other side of the lane. The last that was seen of him, he was scampering frantically through the muddy fields as though the hordes of Hell were after him. You could say it was karma.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

...several people were standing in a field amazed at the sheer numbers of mutalated cattle.

"Look at all the blood," said Billy-Bob.

"And the guts," said Peggy-Jean.

"And the blood," said Sherief Connoly as he tapped one carcas with his foot.
"I think it's still alive!"

Meanwhile, at the Hangman Inn...

... the milk had curdled, the landlord had found himself back in his quarters and the strangers had all, apparently, disappeared...




shazz

The limp was due to his shortened wooden leg

'It's a wonder we can afford to stay in business the way we keep losing guests!' growled the landlord's wife, the landlady.

'Yes, we do seem to have trouble that way...' he replied mysteriously, if only because cryptically was such a b****r to spell. '...And by the way dear, do stay away from the cellar today, I'm going to be working down there for quite some time and mustn't be disturbed.'