h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I went to a seminar, on the important (but not especially uplifting) subject of modelling and simulation of metals processing.

One of the speakers talked about immersion VR. For some reason he felt compelled to tell us about using computers to authentically reproduce the experience of sticking your arm up a cow's arse.

Give me a day or two. I'll get over it.

It will take me a few days to get over it and I wasn't even there.

Yep. Definitely out of left field, or left byre or something.

I suppose all these VR outfits who've got into the squidgy kind of training environment have their own hierarchies too. The elite ones do training simulators for heart surgeons, for instance.

This guy's firm got landed with junior veterinaries, who have to learn how to tell if a cow's ripe for insemination. Apparently the only way to do this is to stick your arm up it's backside and feel around a bit.

The guy who gave the lecture was moaning about having a fibre-glass bovine rear-end taking up space in his office. I kind of think it serves him right.

Mind you, it's a topic of conversation, innit? I heard some really good stuff on metals processing too, but somehow I don't feel anything like the same urge to tell everyone as this cow-bottom story engendered

Can I ask what may be a dopey question?

How can a simulation tell them what's really going on in their particular cow?

Nonono. They're just learning how to do it generally.

In his or her day-job, the vet'll have to stick an upper pentadactyl up real cow's arses, probably several cows a day I shouldn't wonder, and pronounce upon their fecundity.

Learning how to do it, though, can be simulated. The alternative would be to have a whole class of would be vets queueing up to...well, you get the idea. One cow and some twenty latex-sporting amateur rectum-gropers. Hardly fair on a real cow, is it?

At least they didn't bring it and ask everyone to try it out.

Ah. I see now.

And what kind of procedure are we performing today?

It's called a virtual bovine artificial insemination, sir.

So, you are not really doing something to an almost non-existent whateveryousaid?

Right. But it is a valuable teaching tool. And it is germ-free.

Ah. Just how valuable is it, this teaching tool that comes with free germs?

Ah, no, sir. It is germ-free, as in there are no germs like there would be with a real bovine.

So, the germs are non-existent, also? How valuable is this almost completely imaginary teaching tool?

What, sir? The value to future generations of veterinary students is incalculable!

I mean, what does it cost?

Er, well, we've spent 7 1/2 million pounds developing the prototype...

How much does a, what did you say, bovine? How much does an existent bovine, with free germs, cost?

Er, a bag of magic beans, sir...

and now for something completely different...

That is well cool, tr

So you learned it here, folks. If you'd like Hootoo's Finest to grace your Journal, all you have to do is lose your arm up a cow's arse.

Wot! Where?

The hole thing reminds me of that veterinarian-type fellow, who had TV productions and books called "All things bright and beautiful" and something else like that. James Harrier or soemthing like that.

"'Ere, you doktor thing, 'elp me turn dis calve around!"

"Um. I don't see any calf."

"Dat's cuz it's still inside it's mum's tum! It's tryin't to come out sidaways undt it's caught in it's own umbilical. Shurt up and stick yer arm up it's fanny like I am."

"Um. Okay. Let me roll up me sleeve...."

"Toff!"