h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

[This is what comes of trying to read the Bible from Genesis on. What kind of funny mushrooms were the writers smoking? If people acted like children, maybe it's because they were dictated to in every minor detail, with no chance to participate in decision-making.

So, here's the first instalment. This will get wacky for time to time


Chapter 1: what the natural world said to the oracle

Verse 1: Behold, I found myself in the forest at the foot of a mighty Oak tree, and the tree spoke to me, saying “It shall go badly for you, oh human, and all your kind. I am old, and have deep roots that can supply water and store sugars, but your kind is only four days away from hunger if the supermarkets lose their supply chain. Your kind may or may not stockpile food, but can it sustain you? My kind makes our own food every day the sun shines during the growing season. We know enough to sleep through the cold times. It shall go badly for you, oh humankind!”

This is not wacky at all. Sadly



PS: But you are off to a good start!

I agree; you've nailed the essential problem there. If we (that is, life on Earth) had stuck with photosynthesis we would never have had the energy to develop brains and would never have become such a threat to the well-being of the planet.

[This is not part of he oracle's canon, but photosynthesis developed, I think, in a bacterium, which was then swallowed by larger organisms. I read somewhere that 95% of the biomass on earth is plant biomass. This means that all the people, whales, ants, mice, etc. together acocun for about 5% of the biomass. very destruetive 5%, much of which stems from things that mankind has done.

"Humans comprise a very small share of life on Earth — 0.01% of the total, and 2.5% of animal biomass [animal biomass is shown in the right-hand box on the visualization above]."
http://ourworldindata.org/life-on-earth#:~:text=Humans%20comprise%20a%20very%20small,box%20on%20the%20visualization%20above%5D.

Now I will write today's oracular verse. It will have something to do with ducks. I just tell 'em, I don't explain 'em, except when I feel like it.

Chapter 1: what the natural world said to the oracle



Verse 2: I had a vision of death and disease, set against a backdrop of molten lava. But, no, that was just a bad dream brought on by acid reflux. Oracles have digestive problems, like anyone else. Most oracles don't admit to this, but this one has no fears about revealing weakness.

Verse 3: Okay, this verse does have something profound to say. I wish I could interpret it for you, but you may be on your own here: The oracle found some coffee grounds in the bottom of his cup this morning. Okay, most oracles would read tea leaves, but coffee has been enjoyed since about 1450, so this oracle makes no apologies for seeing the Truth in coffee grounds. It's a trickier truth, though.

Anyway, there was a duck who spoke English. He (I assume it was a he) sayeth: “Ye shall assemble a team composed of at least four different kinds of duck. When you do that, wait for them to reveal some kind of timeless truth. I will not tell you what that truth will be, only that orange sauce is not it.”

Then a Mallard, a Northern Pintail, a Gadwall, a green-winged Teal, a Blue-winged teal, and an American Wigeon appeared. “Which two of you would like to go back where you came from?” the oracle asked politely. They all glared, so he chose randomly. He stared at the remaining four, which stared right back. This oracle business is not easy.

Into the oracle's mind came visions of pristine, unspoiled waterways – lakes, ponds, rivers, full of lush green growth. No distant city towers could be seen. The air smelled fresh. Fish swam just below the surface, coming up from time to time.

At last the duck reappeared and said: “You have seen the past. For the present and future, you're on your own. Your kind makes up 0.1% of the life on Earth. If you blow it, there's a lot of unhappy lifeforms out there ready to make you pay dearly. Oh, and you owe me a fish for my fee. I expect it by 6:00 tonight. I don ot take canned tuna.”

Verse 4:

Then a farmer appeared. “Do not take the duck at his word,” he said. “Ducks regularly eat my crops. Their droppings contaminate the river that runs next to my farm. When they multiply, they can overgraze the grass on my lawn. No one species has the ultimate answer. Just bear that in mind.”

The oracle then reconsidered. Did the ducks multiply because people gave them handouts of food, then stopped that they had to eat the farmer's crops? Maybe. But other animals such as mice and various insects periodically overpopulate an area, even with no human involvement. This is nature's way.

Then the oracle took a nap, because this was getting way too complicated.....

Verse 4, revised:


Then a farmer appeared. “Do not take the duck at his word,” he said. “Ducks regularly eat my crops. Their droppings contaminate the river that runs next to my farm. When they multiply, they can overgraze the grass on my lawn. No one species has the ultimate answer. Just bear that in mind.”

The oracle then reconsidered. Did the ducks multiply because people gave them handouts of food, then stopped that they had to eat the farmer's crops? Maybe. But other animals such as mice and various insects periodically overpopulate an area, even with no human involvement. This is nature's way.

Then the oracle took a nap, because this was getting way too complicated.....

But even in sleep, peace was denied. The oracle's doppelganger appeared and said, “You're in over your head.”

Another doppelganger arrived, saying, “But you've always been in over your head. It's too late to stop now.”

The oracle found himself in a field of daisies. “I like this vision,” he said. Then the daises vanished, replaced by a vast expanse of snow and biting wind. “Just when I got a vision I liked, it was replaced by its opposite,” he complained bitterly.

“The only constant is change,” said Heraclitus. Behind him stood Buddha.

“This is one of those days,” the oracle. Said.

of all the "bugs/viruses/chemicals" etc that can annihilate life on earth etc
There's only one that's guaranteed to succeed = humans!

This has started out more serious than I intended. Oh, well. Maybe it can get a bit wackier....

Would not "another doppelganger" be a "tripleganger"

Putting that question into my head is wacky enough for me, thank you

Verse 5

The oracle found himself in a bathtub full of chocolate milk. This was either the lap of luxury, or an annoyance that would take effort to clean up afterwards.

Oh, well, go with the flow, except that nothing was flowing.

Complaining about his aching, creaking joints, the oracle managed to get out of the tub, pull the plug, let the milk go down the drain, and then quickly shower himself clean.

He was about to step out of the tub, when he found himself seated at a dinner party given for the benefit of a very large whale with a polka dot bow tie.

“I suppose the whale will give a speech so erudite that it will put most humans to shame,” the oracle said to himself.

But, no, the whale began reading from a stack of receipts. He had a bad habit of buying unnecessary things on Amazon and eBay, and wanted the guests to know just how far in the hole he had fallen.

The oracle marveled that a whale could operate a computer, but supposed it was voice-activated.

Oh, well. Maybe it can get a bit wackier.…

Lets try ?

doppelgänger

if a doppelgänger had the "doppler effect" would it scare more has it came closer or more going away ?

Verse 6

It was night. The oracle found himself standing at the end of a long street in an Asian city. The neon lights were crowded along every inch of the thoroughfare on both sides, but the Chinese (he assumed they were Chinese) characters on the signs were indecipherable to him. The only thing he recognized was a sign for a 7-11 store halfway down the street.

A middle-aged Asian woman pushing a cart full of vegetables and other Asian delicacies came up to him. In broken English, she asked if he anted any of it. (I guess if you're in China and you don't look Chinese, you must speak English. the oracle guessed.)

He pulled some Chinese currency out of his pocket (luckily some money had been put in his pocket) and bought some dim sum. It was slightly stale, but the culture shock had him feeling hungry.


But no sooner had he put the dim sum in his mouth than it began to wriggle. It pushed its way back out of his mouth and grew into a dragon, which gestured that he was to climb on its back. This was a welcome invitation. “Can you take me to San Francisco?” He asked. The dragon nodded.

Soon they were oveer th pacific, heading east at a very fast rate of speed. But when they landed in San Francisco, the city was a pile of smoldering ruin. A ten-year-old girl introduced herself as Gracie Allen and began telling jokes.

Then the oracle woke up. These dream images took a lot out of him. What was the point of sleeping if you woke up more tired than you did before?

“That is a question for the ages,” said the dragon's voice.

Verse 7

The oracle practices mindfulness. He lies peacefully in bed, with eyes closed, and visualizes what is in the room. He notes the pocket of clutter in one corner, and vows to clean it up tomorrow -- or after that.

The oracle makes an appointment to have his car battery checked at Firestone (across the street from him). You don't have to foresee the future to imagine the consequences of not having you car start when it's freezing outside.

The oracle also sends messages to his credit union. He needs to withdraw some money. He is a poor oracle, in that he has bought some stuff that didn't work out, and he's living beyond his means as a result.

The oracle promises himself not to play computer solitaire any more, until the tendonitis in his shoulder goes away. He will read books instead.

The oracle cannot foresee whether he will be able to keep that promise. He will add to "Santaic verses" at a slower pace, and hold the mouse pad in his lap, so as not to overextend his right arm when using the mouse.

I'm wondering when the squirrels are going to get involved.

Basics of squirrel philosophy, hibernate in winter, have a population explosion in spring, estivate during the summer, go crazy gathering seed and nuts and berries during the autumn.

Its getting to be about that time.

Verse 7

The oracle squeaks.

Oh no! The oracle is now a mouse. For how long? Who knows?

No need for super-acute hearing. People make so much noise, it's hard not to notice them approaching.

And it's easy to fit through tiny cracks and passageways.

Doesn't take much food to fill a mouse's stomach, though it digests fast and more is soon needed.

Ah, the oracle is a human again, an annoyed one. Mouse droppings where they hadn't been a moment ago.

The ultimate shame! Messy mouse kaka, and the oracle can't blame anyone but himself.

But maybe it was fun while it lasted.

1,100 species of mice in the world, they share 92% of our genes, and they are important as lab animals.

“Yes, you were lucky not to be in a lab,” said an improbably large mouse who was sitting on the oracle's sofa. You'd have been in a cage, or running through a silly maze, getting zapped by electricity.”

There is some sort of cosmic truth here, the oracle mused......

The oracle finds himself on a cruise ship in the Pacific. A life of luxury until the ship hits an iceberg.

Iceberg? In the tropics?

Don't take an ocean cruise if you haven't packed for a desert isle.

The oracle opens his suitcase: everything he will need on a desert isle, except a helicopter to get him out.

But wait! He *has* a helicopter, a six-inch one. As water floods his cabin up to his ankles, the helicopter begins to grow. He hurries to the deck with it, and jumps inside when it becomes full-sized in the nick of time.

The helicopter has a range of 600 miles, enough to get him to Oahu.

Magic? Fantasy? A dream?

The oracle is jarred awake by a gust of cold Autumn air that shakes his house.

Ah, yes, no ocean cruises, no tropical isles.

But the oracle has a new furnace, soft, fleecy robes, an organized house where eveyrthing has its place.

Things could be worse.

The oracle is hungry.

A good sign.

The oracle is no longer hungry.


Hunger is a fleeting sensation if one is lucky. If one is not lucky, it is because food is unavailable or delayed.

Pain can be a fleeting sensation, or an ever-present one. There are people who have constant back pain or shoulder pain, etc. With a little luck, medication can mask the pain enough to allow for sleep at night.

Lack of sleep is bad for you. Too much sleep can also be bad. getting exactly the right amount of sleep take some doing. Relax, your body may be wiser than you think. It knows when it needs sleep. Listen to it, unless you are driving 60 miles an hour on a highway. You don't want to fall asleep just then and there.

And all of my wisdom is offered to you free of charge.