h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I turned from my nephew's doorway and spent the rest of the day standing at the rail, staring moodily at the sea.

Day 5 was mostly more of the same, until late afternoon when we sailed up the Penryn River and approached the marina in Falmouth, England. I was now put in the hands of Colin, who explained that the yacht would not be docking in Falmouth.

"How will I get there, then?" I exclaimed.

"In a row boat. Don't worry, it's not more than couple kilometers. Your luggage will be with you, and I'll handle your passport and room arrangements."

Colin was a pleasant young man who had a small software company and had started in public relations. He mentioned that he was 3,000th in line for the Throne at birth, but had been bumped down by several hundred since then.

As I rowed toward Falmouth, I was thrilled by the prospect of staying in this picturesque town with its charming buildings climbing a low ridge. Hopefully my room would have a view of the river. Alas, I soon learned that I would be staying just over the line in a town not even on the map.

"You will stay at Fusty Towers, which is run by Lady Diane Blotchingsley, my cousin, " Colin said as we walked through Falmouth. "She was married to Lord Blotchingsley, whose ghost allegedly roams the towers." At one point I thought I spied Scribbles in the street about 50 feet behind us, but whoever it was ducked behind a tree.

Fusty Towers occupied the middle ground between run down and dilapidated, though Lady Blotchingsley gave a warm welcome and assured me that the roof did not leak. I climbed poorly maintained winding stairs, and was initially delighted to find a well-appointed, commodious room. Then I checked the view from the windows, and saw Dark Satanic Mills Museum on one side, and the ruins of Blotchingsley Castle on the other.

"We'd like to restore the Castle, but we've no money," said Lady Blotchingsley wistfully, her accent and features somewhere between Julie Andrews and Helen Mirren. "Anyway, thank heavens for American tourists like you. The locals don't care for this place at all."

"Because of the ghost?" I wondered.

"Well, yes, that's a good part of it."

"Is Lord Blotchingsley particularly scary?"

"Well, no, and that's exactly the problem. Dear old Duncan's ghost goes around saying "Millennium ham and beans" or "Otters dance on my thumbs, on my thumbs," none of which makes any sense. The little kids would *love* to have him do something scary, but he's more the inappropriate sort."

"Inappropriate?"

"Well, nothing lewd, but he'll pick his nose or belch, which annoys the parents, so they yank their kids out of here."

Just then, Colin's cell phone started playing "Rule, Britannia."

"News from Buckingham Palace?" I asked.

"No, I've been bumped down one more notch in succession to the throne."

[Amy P]

I'm crossing my fingers hoping that people who really know what the English countryside is like will not be too hard on me. I still have numerous other countries to fudge, but aerial views and views from a train can be more generic and still work. Bus travel tends to give one a gritty look at things relatively up close....

It is actually its more eccentric due to the very unique and unusual rural countryside traditions of celebrating the farming year. Scotland and Wales have their own traditions to and many have links to mainland Europe. Just look at the Shetlanders every year dressed as Vikings where they burn a long boat.

paulh, us Vikings have always been very lenient with foreigners. You have my word on that

But don't bring up the subject if you come to the Northeast. Certain descendants in places like Lindisfarne are very touchy on this - and prone to spreading vicious rumours. They can of course not be trusted

" its more eccentric due to the very unique and unusual rural countryside traditions of celebrating the farming year." [Thinker]

I'm fine with that. I just can't do the research I wold need to do to discover and acknowledge the traditions, nor would readers have the patience to plow through the pages and pages In would produce. best to be general, then, as I still have to ride a camel through places like the Khyber Pass [maybe, if I can't avoid going that route] and ride a submarine from Hong Kong to Maui .

When you get right down to it, this is not an ordinary travelogue.

One example of the eccentric gentry is Alexander Thynn, Lord Bath and his wifelets.

I had a misconception about Bath. I imagined it to be halfway up the western side of Britain, across the sea from Ireland. Instead, it's more or less in the path of anyone going from Falmouth to London.

The little that I know about Bath comes from a murder mystery in which Jane Austen travels to Bath and is caught up in a murder investigation. This is, of course, fiction. Austen was busy enough with writing that solving crime would have been better left to professionals. But modern mystery writers draft all sorts of unlikely historical figures as sleuths. Even Mozart was given a reprieve from early death, brought to England, and set to detecting crimes....

Unfortunately, the coach journey will probably have taken you mainly along motorways. Although, with luck, they could have gone along the A303, which has great countryside, but is frequently congested.

I haven't been counting - how many means of transport have we had so far?

Sorry - wrong thread - that comment was for a later episode. My laptop lost the connection for the minute and I lost track of where I was. As our hero will no doubt do quite often before the month is out.

One different form of transportation every day, though obviously the slower ones [like rickshaw rides or roller skating] will have to be sandwiched between faster things like flying in order to get around the globe on schedule. The train ride from Paris to Istanbul takes 58 hour -- more than two days -- so our hero will have to take a rickshaw ride down the aisle of the train on the second day, and take a quick ride on a camel* when he gets to Istanbul.



*Camels are not native to Turkey, but so many tourists expect to see them that you can get your picture taken on one at various locations.