h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Chapter 16

I tried to spend time getting to know the Oracle Tree better, but soon I had to stop and confer with the crew members, who expected me to act like a captain and give orders. The helmsman thought we should circle around the edge of the vortex to see if there were any spots where the sharp rocks were less likely to gouge a hole in the hull. That sounded like a good idea, so I told him to go ahead.

It also gave me a chance to stand at the rail and enjoy a panoramic view of the distant island as we moved around it. Klondike O'Leary stood beside me, so I asked him, "What was the longest voyage you ever took?"

"Sixteen hundred light years," the old man rasped.

"It must have taken quite a long to get there and back," I remarked, not sure how much I should believe him.

"Oh, not very long. You see, I had a convenient wormhole to go through," he said. "That was back in the '60s, when I was living near MIT in Massachusetts. I had a neighbor who ran a place called Relativity Pizza with. His partner was from an advanced civilization 1600 light years away. The partner used a wormhole to bring the pizza from his home planet. It was such a quick process that the pizza didn't even cool down en route. They hired me to help retrieve the pizzas from the distant kitchen, and then deliver it around Cambridge and Boston."

"That sounds too amazing to be true," I scoffed. "If it really worked, it would have attracted international media attention, and I would have heard of it."

"Well, it only worked for a couple of weeks, after which the wormhole became too erratic to rely on," Klondike O'Leary said sadly. "Those pizzas were stupendous. The cows on that planet had the best milk, so the cheese was incredible. God, what I wouldn't give for one of them right now."

Something about Klondike O'Leary's tale bothered me as I listened to it. Suddenly I knew what it was. "I've heard this story before!" I snapped. "You're not Klondike O'Leary, are you? You're Uncle Floyd!"

"Well, it took you long enough to figure it out!" Uncle Floyd chortled as he removed the dark glasses, fake beard, and hat.

Angry, I walked away from him and went over the tree. At least the tree wouldn't jerk me around the way my Uncle had done. I put on the earphones for a conversation, but the tree already knew what was going on. "To be honest, I knew he was your Uncle from the time we boarded," the tree admitted.

"But that's different," I argued. "You recognized his electrical field from the days when he first began working with you. I can't do that."

"How do you know if you don't try?" the tree asked. "There may be much that I can teach you. Do you realize that Andrea Doria was able to understand me without the headphones?"

I put my head in my hands and groaned.

Heh-heh.

I knew it!

We all did. All except the narrator.

I had my suspicions that Klondike O'Leary' was Uncle Floyd.

Read that first line as 'conifer' with the crew! Trees getting to me!

Sue Uncle Floyd for every penny! He plays dirty!

I just want to know when Owen is going to ask the tree how to get past the vortex

F S

They figure out how to get past the vortex, FS, but those rocks are pretty challenging once they do.