h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

* One cannibal to another: I never met a man I didn't like!

Q: What do cannibals eat for dessert?
A: Chocolate covered aunts.

Q: What is a cannibal's favourite game?
A: Swallow the leader.

Q: What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?
A: The cold shoulder.

* Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school for
buttering up his teacher?

That all al got?

I JUSSSSSS hate when that happens!

That all ya' got?

Late one night in Washington, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money!" he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can’t do this. I’m a United States Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the robber, "give me my money!"

An old farmer owned a farm for several years. He had a large pond on the back forty, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and prepared for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there in quite a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a group of young women swimming naked in the pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond. I only came to feed the alligator."


Moral: Old age and quick thinking will triumph over youth and skill.

· I was so poor growing up...If I wasn't born a boy....I'd have nothing to play with.

· A girl phoned me the other day and said .... "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

· During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

· One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy .... "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."

· Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

· I was such an ugly kid........When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

· I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

· I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

· I'm so ugly...My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

· When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father........ I'm very sorry....... We did everything we could......But he pulled through.

· I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness....... AFTER I was born.

· I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

· Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him .... "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said. "I don't know, kid ... there are so many places they can hide."

· My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

· I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

· I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

· I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

"What's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" the wood
shop teacher asked the only girl in the class during the first day of
school.

She pondered the question for a moment, then replied, "Well, I can't
rightly say as I know, 'cause I ain't never been 'bolted'."

!!

Rodney?? Is that you??? You get no respect!

Bassman

Why don't roosters have hands?

Because s don't have ~~~

A man comes home one evening to find his blonde haired wife packing a suitcase.

"where are you going?" he asks

I'm leaving you to go to Japan. Over there they will pay $500 per go to sleep with blonde haired blue eyed women like me.

The husband starts packing his suitcase as well.

"what are you doing?" asked his mystified wife

"I'm coming too" he replies. "I want to see how you can survive on $1000 a year"

Why did the chicken cross the road?









Because he was strapped to the chicken molester....



Bassman

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned petrol station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it. "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace" said the younger of the two. "Take us to your leader." The gas pump (of course) didn't respond. The younger alien looked cross, and the older one spotted this. "I wouldn't push it, if I were you" suggested the older one. The younger creature ignored the warning and repeated the greeting. Again there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, Greetings Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I will fire!" The older alien again warned his comrade, "You don't want to do that. You really don't want to make him mad!" "Rubbish" replied the younger alien at his rapidly retreating comrade.! He carefully aimed his weapon at the pump and fired. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared outwards and towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him in a burnt and crumpled mess 200 yards into the desert. Thirty-five Earth minutes later, when he finally regained consciousness, refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna array, he looked dazedly up at the wiser one, who was standing over him, slowly shaking his big green head. "What a ferocious creature", said the young, fried one. "It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?" The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler onto the crispy, peeling flesh and shared some knowledge. "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy," said the healthier one, "When a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with him"

This bloke is sitting at home one night when there's a loud knock on
the door. The man answers the door and is surprised to find that
there's a six-foot-tall beetle standing on his doorstep. Before the
bloke has time to speak, the beetle launches a frenzied attack on him
and after a flurry of blows it leaves.

The bloke is covered in cuts and bruises and immediately goes to see
his doctor. Upon seeing him, the doctor asks, "What happened?"

The man replies, "You won't believe me. I was beaten up by a massive
beetle." Seeing that his doctor is not surprised by this, the man
asks, "Well, why aren't you surprised?"

The doctor replies, "Oh. Well, I know there's a nasty bug going
around."

Two robins were sitting in a tree.

"I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find
some lunch."

They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed
ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they
could eat no more.

"I m so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said
the first one.

"Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.

"O K," said the first.

So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had
fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat up and gobbled them up.

As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought...

"I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS."

superliminal advertising: GET MESSENGER!!!!!

:::straight forward reply:::"Bite ME."

With pleasure... gently at first, just tell me when it's too much...

...*lifts her skirt...smacks her rear...*Right there fella', right there!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~