h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

[Moloko] Now...looks like we're gonna have to find the entrance. Any one know where that might be?? I think Dante found it in Italy, and Hercules went under some lake somewhere...

*a flaming pentagon appers on the floore next to him*
or you can ask nicly and I will take you in to my tra...I mean the underword

What do you think Snaed?
*Moloko eyes the Pentagon...drawn to the evil...*

Where has that blasted dwarf gone? Well...while we're waiting...I want to let you know what to expect when we enter the gates of Hell--
"ABANDON ALL HOPE, YE WHO ENTER HERE"

The first circle of Hell isn't all that bad...Pagans, though virtous, were born before the coming of Christ. Just bad timing for them! They suffer no real torture. Here are the souls of Homer, Virgil, Socrates, Plato, Ptolemy, and many of the great poets.
The second circle is home to the Carnal, those that gave in to their passions. To get here, you must pass Minos, the half-man half-beast judge of the damned...he assigns the accused to their circle by the number of times he wraps his tail around himself. This circle is dark and damp, and the souls are swept around in a constant whirlwind. Here is Semiramis, Cleopatra, Paris, and the Great Achilles.

The rest I will leave for later...

*Ol'Snaed finally appears*
I heared that about the 'blasted dwarf', and I can tell you, I've more experience in being blasted than in anything else!
*looks at the flamig gate*
So, this is the gate to hell, heh ? Have seen worse, oh yeah! Well, it's actually not the thought of hell that troubles me, but the possibility to meet some folks again which I sent there...
Enough talking, chummers, let's go!
*Jumps through the gate with Blade No.17c [dwarfish steel with silver runes against lesser demons] in his hand and an ancient dwarfish warcry which sounds like:*
BLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!!!

Wouldn't you want Mithril?

Wouldn't you want Mithril?

*BleziBob creates d monster maid out of pute molten larver carying a flaiming war Axe*
deal with that Dwarf
*starts laughing evily*

*Moloko leaps through the gate, sees Snaed's peril, and realizes he needs one thing. Drawing his canteen from beneath his toga, he empties its ice cold contents onto the demon and its axe*

Well, well...paid the price for being a flaming demon, eh? I know, I know, Snaed..."I've handled worse 'en that before ye were even born..." But hey, I'll just say you owe me one

*Staring on the ground*
Hmbrgh, yeah, allright, allright, Molonko... I owe you one or two.
*looks at BelziBob*
...and one to you if you don't do it again.

*Moloko leads the way through the first circle of Hell...*

[Socrates] Who are you that lives, yet walks amongst the dead?

[Homer] They must be on a quest from the gods...

[Virgil] I could lead you, as I did for Dante.

[Moloko] That won't be neccessary. I've been here before...and so, i believe has my friend *Indicating BeelziBob, realizes he is no longer there*
We could have a problem, Snaed my friend.

[Ol'Snaed]
!#!§!# ! Where's that Beelzi-guy ?
*Looking in his inventary for somehting useful but only finds a sortiment of weapons wich doesn't really help him now*
This is something new, even for me, yeah! I've been searching and rescuing people who where kidnapped BY demons several times, but I actually never had to find a kidnapped demon !
*To Virgil, Dante and Homer* Hey, does any of you know what happend to our friend Beelzibob ? You know, he is some kind of burning flame-demon guy or so... aeh... like the one over THERE.
*Tries to see if the one he just spotted is BeelziBob or someone (-thing?) else...*
*Grinning madly and whispering to Molonko*
hey, this is starting to get interesting...

[Moloko] Well...there's not much we can do now. Beelzibob has lured us into Hell, and the only way out is through the ninth level.
*looks to Virgil* Which way to the next level?

[Virgil] Just follow the edge of the cavern, do NOT take any side paths, and you will find Minos.

[Moloko] Thanks. Well, Snaed, you have the eyes of a dwarf, you take the lead. *to the poets* umm..bye guys! Enjoy the rest of your, er, deaths.
*under his breath* fine pickle to land myself in, my first week amongst humanity and I'm hanging out with the dead ones...

[Ol'Snaed]
*grumbling in his beard*
Gotta change my tactis, can't kill 'em cause they're dead already... hmrgh.
*Takes the lead*
At least this is in a cavern, and not in some ######ing elvish forest. If it would be a forest, hell would be much worse. Bah! Ol'Snaed is the best guide you can have in a cavern! 'been born in one, of cause!
*Under his breath*
...and I hope I'm not going to die in one.
*Deeper and deeper in to the cavern, watching out for traps or any other kind of trouble...*
Hey Moloko, what kind of god are you? I mean, every god has got his reponsibility, like, uhm, the god of gold or war or stuff... what's your buisness ?

While we're walking, a little about the third circle of Hell:

Guardian to this circle is Cerberus, the three-headed dog. We'll have to be very clever (or very lucky) to get by him. The sinners in this circle are the gluttons. Since they wallowed in food and drink, and produced northing but garbage, in Hell they wallow in garbage
and recieve no food or drink.
But, first, we must make it through the second circle....and there is Minos, directly ahead.

Don't like forests, eh Snaed?? well, there is one in Hell...a bit deeper...

My father is Apollo, God of the Sun, Medicine and Disease, Music, and Truth (the oracle at Delphi...that was him). My mother was Athena, the embodiment of Wisdom, reason and purity, fierce and brave in battle.

I decided to take the best of both worlds, and govern Wisdom in War, Reason in Truth, and Purity in Medicine. However, I got kicked out of Olympus for messing with the mortals Zeus doomed me to live amongst them, and has limited my powers. But I do still have some...

*Tries to hide his disappointment that Moloko has nothing to do with beer or gold, then stops and looks at Minos*
Wuah! What does he do with those who are still alive?
*Lights another cigar and, after a short hesitation, offers Moloko one*
Real dwarfish cigars. The tabacco is grown in old tunnels and... hey! You think, if he won't let us pass, we maybe could give him one of those. It sends most mortals -ar- humans to the ground, they don't no what's good! Ah, I love this quicksilverish taste..
*Inhaling deeply and watching Minos*
Hm, but he looks stronger, I have to admit...

so they can deal with fier deomns can they well lets see
*the air is filled with chanting in a strange langadge not unlike latin....Fier shoots out of the floor round the heroes boxing them in to what is effectivly a cadge made of pure fier. the ground starts to shake and somthing is being formend from the eath itself as the volume of the chanting increases a golem in the shape of a 30ft tall man walks towards them*

Well Hell! (no pun intended) *The Golem advances on them*
Quick! Snaed, a longsword!!
*The dwarf pulls out an ancient blade and tosses it to Moloko. Thinking that the god is going to attack him, the Golem charges. Moloko ties his toga belt to the sword and throws it back to Snaed*
Hold On!!
*Snaed, catching on, darts the opposite direction of the god and they create, essentially, a trip wire. The Golem plunges over the wire and topples to the ground, creating a bridge over the fire, and effectively crushing Minos *

Hurry! Over now! *they both run across the Golem and into the Second Circle of Hell*
Thanks BeelziBob!! Couldn't have done it without you
*Moloko takes Snaed's proffered cigar and lights it with the fire of the circle, and walks away puffing merily*

Nice trick, he!
Golems, Minos, pah ! Needs a bit more to stop Ol'Snaed and his chummer who happens to be a god, after all...
*As they walk on...*
Too hell with this BeelziBob! Nah, that's exactly where he is...
So what's in the next section?