h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

So there was me, driving back from the more distant of my two offices, and I have to join the A23 dual carriageway into Brighton. As I swing across the bridge that leads to the (rather short) slip-road I spy three lorries thundering along the inside lane, and I think to myself, "right I shall be pulling in behind them." Sorted.

Now I'm hacking it down the slip-road at some 68 miles per hour, indicator on, matching my speed to the third lorry and ready to pull onto the main carriageway. When suddenly some uber-bitch in her CLK pulls up behind those lorries, and takes the space that I'm about to pull out into!

Did I mention it was a short slip-road? Yes, well I've now got about 40 yards of road to slam on the brakes; check that there is nothing behind said bitch; pull out, obviously then going at a much lower speed, so thus causing a road hazard. If I don't do all that then I'm static at the end of a slip-road with no chance of making it onto the main road, or even worse, in a ditch!

Now here's where the evil bastard bit kicks in.

After getting myself safely onto the main road, I went looking for this idiot in her Merc. She'd overtaken the lorries and was happily wending her way down the road at about 75. So I appear right behind her: and I mean right behind, something like about 3 feet, and harry her the whole way to the end of the road.

Was this an over-reaction on my part? Yes.

Was that totally irresponsible behaviour on my part? Yes.

Do I care? What do you think

I would've shunted her from behind, dragged her out and then kicked her teeth in. Possibly due to the number of violent video-games I played as a child. In fact, I blame Grand Theft Auto. For everything. Even the fall of Communism.

I'd have done exactly the same.

Assuming my Fiesta would have kept pace with the Merc, mind you.

B

I think I would have been tempted to do the same but would probably have chicken out.

'Course if you were really going for the whole road rage thing you should have followed her till she stopped then properly had it out with her!

Possibly levering off her exhaust pipe and beating her in the face with it.

Myself, I tend to overtake these kind of people, and sit in front of them at 10mph less than they were travelling initially. And don't let them overtake me.

Only when I have time, of course.

Works well too with middle-lane hogs on three-lane roads, too.

Well, probably nobody wants to know what I would have done, which would have been to swear a lot and just forget about it. Sh*t happens.

I'll get me coat

az

If you ask me, she got off bloody lightly....

It's doing stuff like that which persuaded most of friends that they really didn't want get in my van any more

Of course, tailgating someone like that is pretty much innefectual cos they're looking in their rear view mirror and thinking 'What an arsehole'. Ever had someone do it to you? And if one of those cop cars with a camera on baord takes a nice little film of you you're bang to rights mate.

No, much better to overtake her, then - if she's in the middle lane get into the inside lane and ease off the gas, if she's in the inside lane get ahead of her and pull in front then ease off the gas so that she has to overtake you.

Then take a great big bite of that sandwich you have on the dashboard, chew it a few times so that it's good and gooey, then as she pulls level with the back of your car, wind down the window and gob it out. If your timing is right it should hit her windscreen with a satisfying *SPLAT*

Much more effective

I used to keep food in the van at all times

*shakes head sadly* I'm so glad I don't drive. It seems to turn reasonable, likeable, liberal people into... well, evil bastards.

I blame Jeremy Clarkson.

I never knew we had a smiley... I really should try to learn them all...

I'm delighted I can't drive (I've got no depth perception see, so I'd be dangerous. Not as dngerous as half the people who *do* drive of course, but still...).

All this anger, resentment and general evil bastardry, I don't get any of that on the metro...

I do the same as Six - did it on the way to work this morning, matter of fact. Works even better if you can find a car in the next lane to pace once you're in front of them so they can't overtake you and can just sit there and stew in their frustrations

I find a few V-signs are remarkable effective.

B

I once had a job driving as a courier - was even given a little Ford Pony I could take home and use at weekends. But after driving eight hours a day five days a week in city traffic the *last* thing I ever wanted to do at weekends was get back into that f**king car.

I sure learned how to drive though. I could weave and dart in traffic like nobody's business. And I also discovered there were a hell of a lot of people out there driving that had no idea how to drive at all.

It's like I said before. You can waste your energy being angry at them or just move on. Most people can't drive properly, imho.

az

If you have good insurance, and don't mind a claim you cna always eas in front of them, then pull the handbrake (no tail lights givign away that you are braking) and let them take the fall for it. It happens often enough here that the insurance companies have a name for the behaivour (it is an insurance fraud vehicle).

I've done that too

There's a name for the fact that people become agressive when driving (can't remember though, but I found it in the Chambers). Reminds me of what happened to a friend once: he was driving with his wife and children aged about ten, when his son started swearing and cursing and using words he shouldn't have known at that age. When he got scolded by my friend, he answered "But I *can* use gross language! We're in the car."

It's the same guy who, while driving on a road, saw a pickup truck and an ordinary car start taking over each other like mad and driving like they were racing. He was forced to resort to astonishment when the guy in the truck picked an axe and threw it at the car behind him

I agree with Ormy.

This time

I absolutely love driving, and I adore my cute little Ka, now festooned with England flags.

But other drivers...

In some strange way I feel quite gratified that there are so many other aggressive drivers hereabouts, or at least drivers who would have reacted in a similar way to me at that time.

Though that said, I'm now reflecting upon what happened, and I realise that my little spat started only a couple of hundred yards from the site of the worst ever traffic accident on Sussex's roads. Eight people died in that incident, on a Saturday afternoon less than three weeks ago.