h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

It was, if I remember correctly, the eigthenteeth night of the recarnation of the cream bun, when the dreded, and much talked off Tea table legg disaster of 1990 occured.
Around Mrs Johnsons, for the annual tea and cream bun meeting, the fourth that month to be precise, we sat quietly, mulling the reminants of muffin spred liberally over the kitchen worktops.
I reached for an oversized chrome ladle, and tossing it aside took a scapula and brushed the dried muffin remnants inside my shirt, at which point no one noticed the lack of activity from outside, all the guests, who hadn't arrived.
It wasn't till later, when contemplating at even greater deapth the prince of all foods that we realised the sancty of cream buns, and the large group of irrate scapular bearing members of the bun club, poised dangeriously outside number 47, over the road.
As quick as a icing tube, Mrs Johnson strode across the room, carelessly brushing aside the call of the muffin, and crossing the road like an arkitiple ruler of all that be crumb-like, strode into the midst of the irate crowd.
I never saw her again.
And later i disposed of the dried muffin reminants.

Poor Mule, how did he crumble so?

My mum made a lovely apple crumble today

I've had a nasty mouth ulcer for the past few days that's stopped me from eating apples.

I had a nasty apple tree which used to lure the neighbours children into the garden and

We had to give it to the local apple tree sanctury as it really was getting too much.
A little like the time really, yes, that horrid grandfather monstrosity that stood in the hall of the main building, crafting a air of gloom over the otherwise estutly proportioned sweeping staircase.
When the staircase left, we had to hire a proper home help to clean the floors.

The Floors were made of Cream Cheese, which attracted all the neighbourhood Cats, who demanded Marmite to go with the cheese. A nice Ryvita would be nice too they mewed demandingly...

As the floor was eaten away the cats began to sing a nice song of sixpence...

When I was a lad, you could go out, of a night, with six pence, drink as much beer as humanly possible, and, yes, real beer too, none of this modern tripe. and have a meal at the end of the evening.
Whats more, in my day, there would enough left over to hire a cab, and pay for the bus to work the next day, not like these modern buses you understand? Proper buses, with proper drivers, and no litter, oh yes, no litter whatsoever... how i long for the good old days, it were great being chimney sweep for the Master...

It really is awful how people just litter their waste along the highway. Fast food wrappers, cups, cigarettes, beer bottles, flying out of the car in front of you forcing you to swerve like some maniac.

Tsk.

Does anyone know what sort of progress is being made on the flying car?

Didn't they decide it was a pointless idea?
What with airplanes keep hitting each other in midair, imagine with hundresds of thousands of flying cars, most of which have "average drivers", rather than trained piolets and air traffic control recipe for disaster if you aske me which you didn't, which leads onto an improbile pause in teh conversation at which I can deny my own existance

I would have to agree with you that air traffic control is a conversation killer. Anyone who tunes into the interweb to listen to flight tower conversations has some communication issues.

Why are such people called radio Hams anyhow?

Hams are people who tend to overact their part, and if they're overacting on the radio, they must be shock disc jockey hosts.

Or possibly a joint of Pig Meat hung out to dry, in a shed full of smoke!

Smoke was, indeed the slighest of my many pproblems. as the alcohol worked its wary toward my brain and liver I slowely slipped into a drug induced stupor and realised that snorting coke wasn't a very important parto f a balanced diet. So, as the young lady laid before me, liened up another line over her nacked belly, i slowely threw off my disregard for train timetables and relenquished the turnip. giving into temptation I watched the final episode and with a swonning sense of ale, reached for the final bottle of Norwich 1894, a fine vintage above and beyond that which has been produced in those years since, those fateful years, those years full of smoke and spliff, and needles of destonary, and distroy and avoid I must, cause the film in all is above the satire and station at the forementioned relent of all that have been, or so I thought.

...for a needle with which to sew my mind to the Green Chess banana of the Universe, the high almighty muckamuck....

The universe, immediatly casts my mind back to a december evening, as I sat with Nora, contemplating the big slam theory over a few buttered scones and darjeeling tea. As Nora carefuly removed hte crumbs of a thousand macroons from her mustache I commented on teh latest addition to the overwealming additions to the useful, yet pointless range of accessory's for ones vaccum cleaner. She hardly battered a eye lid as she recountered that summer evening, some three years previously, where single handily she had waded her way through a crowd of devote punk rock followers, cradeling their fears and dirty arm pits in her loving heart.
it is such an account I now recount, dispearing as I am over the lack of a good "cup" from the dairly life of a UK citizen, such is the way of the world, and the diversity of the wonderous multicultural society we now all encapsulate in our everyday scone eating activities.

I had a marvellous Cream Tea the other day, down at Fanny's Farmshop not far from where I inhabit, although what Marvel was doing in my Tea I have a blind doe....

Which is just the sort that Rudolf goes for, as they can't see his shining big hooter. Most Does can't see past his malformed Schnoz to the wonderful kind sharing Stag that lies beyond... Mind you this isn't surprising as he's a complete bad.....

Four livers cannot be uses symultainiously unless sufficient oil is applied to the nose.

Speaking of noses, does anyone have a way to stop getting a runny nose after being in the cold?