h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

A funny thing happened last week
While trailing this three legged freak
He twirlled on his middle
Staggered a little
Sneered, pointed a called me a sneak

"What? Me?" I slyly replied
"I'm no such a thing" I denied
"Just minding my own"
"So leave me alone"
Then roughly he took me aside

"So you're not on my tail" he then sneered
"Well, don't you think it's a bit wierd"
"That we make the same stops"
"Visit the same shops"
"And you're wearing false mustache and beard?"

"You're paranoid! Go see a shrink"
That caused him to take pause and think
Just as the mustache
Fell into my glass
So I smiled and gave him a wink

I knew it was my chance to flee
The jig was up we both could see
I plunged in the crowd
As he angrily vowed
Vengence should he ever catch me

It taught me a valuable lesson
If with three legged freaks you are messin'
Stay well out of view
Bring a friend or two
And be sure to keep him always guessin'

There once was a lady called Hubble
Who wished she was more like a bubble
That floated around
Without touching the ground
And less like a skip full of rubble

If lost property is your fate
Then go down the stairs by the gate
Hellen Weight mans the desk
You need not be a pest,
You just go down to ol' Hellen Weight

All blackmailers modern and olden
Keep victims abjectly beholden
For goods they have tendered
Or services rendered
But mostly for silences golden

You never would know it by lookin
But Grandpa has done all the cookin
Salad,desert, roast beast
And veggies for the feast
At the wedding of Tom and Sue Stookin

There once was a Lady called Sue
Who just didn't know what to do
Her Numerical Brain
was starting to Strain
As she tried HootToo SuDoKu

(see: A530560)

B. Honeydew, call him a geek or
A fine scientific truth-seeker,
When he mixed something new
In a hideous brew,
Would observe its effects in a beaker.

There once was a doctor named Shelly
Who studied all things bold and smelly
Until one day at dusk
She inhailed some musk
And it make her feel sick in her belly.

Sorry, that should have been in limerick form, herewith:









And just in case you wondered how that limerick goes, it goes like this:

dah DEE dah dah DEE dah dah DEE
dah DEE dah dah DEE dah dah DEE
dah DEE dah dah DEE dah
dah DEE dah dah DEE dah
dah DEE dah dah DEE dah dah DEE

The day after two weeks from tomorrow
We'll rent us a loaner to borrow
To my brother's son's niece
A half part of a piece
To lift her blue sadness from sorrow

At the wedding we marched to "Wild Child"
And the vows on the beach were quite mild
The excitement came later
When I took to debate her
On the purpose of the petal-dropping child

I'm sorry to hear of the fight
Hope the rest of the night went alright
Here's to marital bliss
And to hoping that this
Is the start of unending delight

I've had me a wedding or two
The first one just would not do
The second was good
Especially the food
And the bride, she was pretty nice too

Was it your wedding or was it a friends'?
On this point the greeting depends
I'll wish you both well
Or ask you to tell
Of the good will this unknown guy sends

Or was this event just a fiction?
To showcase your unsurpassed diction
A mythical scene
With a lyrical sheen
Of love, ceremony, and friction

The wedding was that of my cousin
About which the gossip was buzzin
It was held on the beach
But within easy reach
Of a wet bar, one of a dozen

"Honeymoon's over" she said
"So get your butt up out of bed"
"Go fetch me some lunch"
"And peel me a bunch"
"Of grapes as I wish to be fed"

"Oh, darling," he said at the door,
"No one peels grapes anymore.
"They now let them loose
"To be pressed into juice,
"And then let to ferment in a store."

A union of two such as this
May lead to something less than bliss
But loneliness bites
So I'll take the fights
Loving her just as she is

Just east of the straights of Gibralter
Two young people stood at an alter
He said "I sure do"
When asked "Do you too?"
She hemmed, hawed, and started to falter

The onlookers shuttered in fear
The bride, to the groom, said "Oh dear"
"I would reconsider"
"But then you'd be bitter"
"And besides, we are already here"

"Sure, what the hell" she did say
"Besides, it's a beautiful day"
"We're all dressed so nice"
"We've ten pounds of rice"
"And the good looking men are all gay"

So after she put on the ring
The choir all stood up to sing
Alleluia, Rejoice
Then in a loud voice
The bride said "Let's finnish this thing"

They partied until the wee hours
There was food, drink, dancing, and flowers
Then off to their room
Went the bride and the groom
On the top floor of "Honeymoon Towers"

Who would've thought that the Turk
Was all but allergic to work
All day he would linger
But not lift a finger
That Turk could shirk work, what a jerk

I once knew a fellow called Burke
Who at work could out-shirk any Turk
His quirk was to lurk
In the murk of a kirk
It was irksome, but earned him his perk.