h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

It's raining and windy and grey
But 'tis nary a call for dismay
Alone with a book
As outside I look
But inside and quite warm I stay

Alright all you poets out there
It's time you start writing your share
Our standards are low
As if you didn't know
But it's fun, so jump in if you dare

Let us see how your poems compare
But censors abound, so beware
We must keep it clean
(At least not obscene)
And keep this a tasteful affair

Young Bilbo was cunning and clever
At covert clandestine endeavour
He wangled a ring
Out of Gollum, poor thing
"Thief! Baggins! We hates it for ever!"

So Frodo, a hobbit with youth
Had to go on a bit of a cruise
to far off mount Doom
Where there was a Flume
of Lava into which he threw't

A voyage from here to Mount Doom
Would certainly sort out who's whom.
I think that myself,
Could not be an elf,
When I sit down there's often a boom.

It's not often an elf is struck dumb
They are rarely downhearted or glum
But was Legolas centred
When Durin's Bane Entered?
Like, "Aiee! A Balrog is come!"

Ach, Bilbo's a very fine fellow,
As find as you'd find on the tellow-
Vision and I'll bet,
Quite soon but not yet,
From the boob tube he will soon bellow!

He certainly did get around
But in boob tubes he hasn't been found;
A tube filled with breast
Makes a fine cosy nest
But a hobbit holes up in the ground

Black thoughts from black books (reading Beckett again)

'Twere a sin, as the Holy Book saith
To take steps to bring on our last breath
But it can't be denied
That a good suicide
Will escape every fate worse than death

Just been to the pub for a drink
Of something quite smooth and not pink
A nice pint of
will, without fail
not quite bring me to the brink

Unfortunately now there's a reek
which, I hope, won't continue next week
The Stink of some fags
is quite a drag
'specially when you don't smoke

The word "fags" in the old U.S.A.
Refers to some men who are gay
It's meant to deride
Ridicule and chide
Not at all a nice thing to say

My guess is you're from the U.K.
In that place the word is okay
It's the thing that a bloke
Would light up to smoke
A Winston, Marlborro, or Barclay

I, myself, once smoked, I must say
Causing my body dismay
Now I treat it with care
By breathing fresh air
Well, as fresh as it gets, anyway

I've never smoked, I am glad
to say, not even when I were a lad
'tis an evil Vice
and is not very nice
For those who aren't very mad

For the mad, the rules are askew
Said the dog to the boat as they flew
Purple flannel bannas
Burp flaming bandannas
Amid singing window pane stew


Ha, ha

ha, ha, ha, ha,

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Mind yourself, Yogabiker, take care--
You've ingested an excess of air!
Keep your breathing harmonic
Not mad or demonic
To lose you we just couldn't bear . . .

Recumbentman's back, what a thrill
Afraid that I'm mentally ill
I seem to be sane
With a well balanced brain
My thinking seems clear now...but still...

What are those things over there?
And what's going on with my hair?
These walls are not real
Who brought that seal?
And what's making everyone stare?

Reality's shifting around
My thinking may not be so sound
I'm flying above
My house on a dove
And so many monkeys around

The river asked "Are you ok?"
"Yes", I assured, "Don't dismay"
"These things come and go"
"And you ought to know"
"I tell you the same everyday"

My flibber is totally flubbed
I'm aghast at your saneness m'lud
Except for the Doves
That fly above
And the Seal that wasn't clubbed

Your insight, my friend, is quite sound
Though many wild madmen abound
It's clear that your linking
Results from clear thinking
You're one of the few, look around

More common, by far, are we loons
And Limerickal writing bufoons
Inhabit this space
An unlikely race
That closely resemble cartoons

This assylum is open to all
There's quite a large door in the wall
But once safe inside
You might just decide
It's not what you would call banal

It's disconserting, to say the least
To watch as we gather to feast
Or swing from the wires
Starting random fires
It's different since sanity ceased

There's one thing that you ought to know
It seems that there's no way to go
Those entering, stay
We all have, anyway
So sit back and enjoy the show

In time you will become like us
It's okay, there's no need to fuss
You'll hold out a while
We call that denial
In the end though, you'll find it's hopeless

I'm not trying to say that it's bad
It's a whole other world being mad
Bizarre? Certainly!
You should see us at tea!
At least we're not out there, EGAD!

The message is perfectly clear
But it's not reassuring, I fear:
Welcome, beggar or pope,
But abandon all hope
All unfortunates entering here.

Are you saying the whole world is mad?
That would be incredibly sad.
But I'm sure that my brain,
Hasn't gone down the drain,
Or mabe it has - just a tad.

By god he has spoken the truth,
At least since the end of my youth.
Abusing my noggin,
Has put such a fog in
It, I just be might be mad, Oh 'struth!