h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

* A white bearded man in robes sits back nonchalantly in a T.V studio, talking to someone off-stage, whiskey-tumbler at hand *

Floor Manager - And, going in... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

GOD - ...of course there was the time I sent a Missionary to the Pygmy tribe of WamboWambo. To which I received fulsome reply stating it to be ‘the finest lunch they had ever had’.

* Floor manager looks on, frantically trying to whisper *

Floor Manager - Where On....Where On....

GOD - Oh...Hmmm...Oh!!!

* HE has gone all deathly pale, which is quite an effort for someone who was never technically alive to begin with *

* Downs his Sherry & stares straight down the camera lens *

* Downs another Sherry, followed by a Whiskey Chaser; just to be on the safe side *

GOD - Look, Um...Yes. If you need any advice dealing with the...Look I have never been infront of a camera before, I’ve done a few late night radio Phone-In’s. Just for my amusement, mind.

* Adds, ruefully *

GOD - It adds a whole new spin to the world of T.V Evangelism...

* St.Peter’s head rises into frame as he brings in the sheet of paper for his master to read-out. HE starts Very slowly, Very Rigidly...Like he has put on a suit and walked around all day, with the coathanger still present *

GOD - Hello, to all new user’s . I am God, yes a bit of a turn-up for the books, as they say, but I’m relatively normal in terms of some of people around here I could mention.

Anyway, I am here to tell you about the H2G2 Guardian Angels. The Guardian Angels like nothing more than to help people safely around this small but intricate Universe. If you don’t get the in-jokes, don’t know how to come up with a WOW! homepage, or simply want to know where similar people like you hang about, we can help you...

We might even dispatch a Guardian Angel, solely to look after your needs...er, needs !!!

Thankyou.

* He looks quite pleased,really . Definitely better than the first run through, the excess sweat didn’t even steam up the camera this time round. HE looks quite pleased. Suddenly, with a sudden attack of bravo... *

Please come! It’s just all these Angels are getting under my feet ! Muttering all day ‘But there’s no one to care for, since humanity decided to go wholesale through the door marked - Agnostic’

* HE senses, now is probably not the time to have one of his little rants, and *

Announcer - For further information about the H2G2 Guardian Angels, please follow this link

http://www.h2g2.com/U300943

Er...Hello. You might know me...

* Turns sideways to show the his wizen profile *

Yes, I’m God...but I don’t expect any of you youngsters to remember an old ‘fuddy-duddy’ like me.

Anyway, I have a bunch of ragamuffin, work-shy, roustabout Guardian Angels, that are in need of some work, before I unceremoniously clomp them over the head with a Gideons. For once again getting under MY feet...

So, If your feeling like the ‘challenged’ mouse lost in the laboratory maze experiment better known as ‘H2G2’, or you need advice setting up your homepage (with all the ‘swirly’ technical stuff), or you simply want to know about all the intrigues that positively inbreed at H2G2. They will help...well, most of the time, hopefully...

* Crosses Fingers *

This week Saint Zax - (The Patron Saint of Alcoholic Indulgence) is offering sensible advice for those trying to get over a hangover. Honestly, is there anything worse than hair of the dog, it always gets stuck in the back of one’s throat.

NEW!!! This month we are even offering a introductory special on your own personalised Guardian Angel !!! ( an absolutely free 30 day trial!!!)

(N.B: Doing your homework is extra... )

Who knows, one day you might even join the ranks of the...

H2G2 - GUARDIAN ANGELS...

* The Crowd ecstatically applauds...when you pay them lots of money *

Please follow this link for further information...

http://www.h2g2.com/A300943

- Simply, High Spirited.

Feeling heartbroken...?

Feeling like no-one will ever fancy you...?

Feeling like you want to eat a tray full of assorted chocolates in one sitting...?

Well that's why this week at H2G2 Guardian Angels, Saint Lisa will talk you through some of the pitfalls & highs of Unrequited Love !!!

http://www.h2g2.com/A300943

- Simply, High Spirited.

Feeling heartbroken...?

Feeling like no-one will ever fancy you...?

Feeling like you want to eat a tray full of assorted chocolates in one sitting...?

Well that's why this week at H2G2 Guardian Angels, Saint Lisa will talk you through some of the pitfalls & highs of Unrequited Love !!!

http://www.h2g2.com/A300943

- Simply, High Spirited.

I will?? I will!!

*waiting patiently by the phone that obstinately refuses to ring... every 2 minutes or so, picks it up to make sure there's still a dial tone...*

Ho hum....

Maybe we published a wrong number

*thumbing through the Pacific Bell Golden Pages*

Yeah... i suppose that's possible... i was told Pete was in charge of setting up the listing...

*finds the page, and takes a moment to track down the right listing*

Mexican Hairless Weevils!! wouldn't you know it... he got the wrong area code. How in Heaven do you get the wrong area code, when you've lived here for 2000 years??? I tell ya...

*picks up the phone and dials a very long number*

Yes, Hello? Right. I'd like to make a chang in a listing? yes, that's right. NO i CAN'T wait until business hours tomorrow! This needs to be fixed NOW!

*listens, shaking head at regular intervals*

No, that's just not acceptable. there are people out there that need us, i tell you! It'll take you 2 minutes! we just need the areacode corrected...... Look, God's right here- do you want me to put HIM on the line? I didn't think so!!

*pauses*
that's right. No, the area code is NOT 666!

whoever put that in the computers without noticing should be sent back to purgatory! that's right, the area code is the same as it is for the rest of Heaven, potato-for-brains!!

*pauses even longer, listening carefully, as wisps of steam begin rising from halo*

I see... yes, i heard it all... no, no, i don't think that will be necessary- you can erase that tape... yes, it's correct in my book now.. yes... alright... uhhuh.. i'll let them know.. yes... thank you. good night!

*hanging up phone, Zax* turns to God, small smile curling lips*

Remember when you had old Petey hide the vodka from Ras?... Apparently he had a hard time finding a place to put it...

<*Ahem!*> Well.. Let's just say he's a bit tone deaf, and has a few interesting (though improbable) ideas about human anatomy...

- ROFLOL - (If your a new user here, we can even explain this!!!)

St.Peter - U definitely should avoid going to the first thread, and make 'A'rrangements to go here...

http://www.h2g2.com/A300943

with an A, a really bring one...

**************************************************
Ok folks, here's the deal! If you would like your VERY OWN, PERSONAL
H2G2 GUARDIAN ANGEL, this is the thread to go to... just click the link, and tell us that you are in the market!

http://www.h2g2.com/forumframe.cgi?thread=49054&forum=37639


**********************************************************


You can even pick which angel you'd like to have! Just go to the Angel Homepage for a complete, up to date listing of the Angels, and what they're the Patron Saints of:
http://www.h2g2.com/A300943
feel free to window shop, and visit our pages..
if you choose your own saint, be sure to go to the thread above, and tell that saint that they've been chosen! that's all there is to it! NEAT, Huh?
See you there!!!
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*shakes head and giggles while watching the shinanagens*
i must say you are at least persistant ....do tell me though, how are you going to explain this?
monsy

* St.Peter walks in grimacing *

I would like to read a prepared statement...

* Beads of sweat appear on his brow... *

The grievous error that occurred whilst recording the above feature was entirely my fault, I simply wrote down the wrong address on the idio...on the cue cards.

In no way was it the fault of my... my majestic employer. The rumours about his increasing reliance on alcohol to just get him through the day, are but unfounded speculation...

Indeed, if I may talk off the record here...

* slyly looks down at a bit of paper... *

HE...is a wonderful...being to work for...oh,uh...Oh !!! What a wonder HE is....

May I finally state the CORRECT address...

* he crosses his fingers & toes *

http://www.h2g2.com/A300943

Thankyou.

congratulations! i see you finally did it.....it makes me proud to know that even someone as great as God can at times make a slip-up or two .....
monsy