h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

i don't think parental consent should be mandatory for under-age teens to receive birth control. i think birth control should be available to anyone wishing to prevent pregnancy or STD's. barring kids from receiving birth control is not going to keep them from having sex.

i also don't think schools should distribute birth control. sex education should be a part of the curriculum, but the act of intercourse is not something that should be condoned by the educational system.

if you are a parent and your child asks you about sex and birth control, please do not deny them information or access to control methods. as i've already stated, denying kids methods of control will not prevent them from having sex. they just won't tell you about it if they get into trouble.

in the USA, most urban areas have some kind of "family planning" clinic offering education and services based on a sliding income scale.

I don't think that schools supplying birth control is in any way condoning intercourse, nor am I an advocate of having a "Trojan" button on the soda machines. I think that by a school providing contraceptives to it's students in a discreet, confidential manner is mearly protecting the right of the student to get an education; being a 16 year old mother or father would have a detrimental impact on ones studies.
However, if schools refuse to have some sort of Planned Parency Program, then they should at the very least be quick to refer students to somewhere that does.
I do fully agree with you on the parental consent issue. I think that parents can be so flippin obtuse at times, and they would more than likely not take into account a good deal of logic while making their decision, but rather a good bit of blind emotion.

-Evan

The best thing parents can do for their teenagers is encourage openness and honesty. My teenage daughters both felt comfortable talking to me about sex, both of them told me when they lost their virginities. I happily went along with them for their first birth-control consultations. Maybe it was because of how *I* was brought up, sex was not something to be discussed in my family, and I learned *all* about sex {not!} from schoolfriends...I even lied to my mother about being a virgin on my wedding night, she never knew I'd been on the pill for 2 years already. I never wanted that with my girls. My teenage son, though, is another matter...I've said 3 words to him on the subject of birth control, "Just be careful"!

This is obviously an emotional issue, but I must admit that I'm one parent who would prefer to be informed if my children were requesting birth control resources. I've tried to be open with them about the subject, yet as a Christian I want to encourage them abstain until they're married. There's just too much emotional and physical baggage that goes along with "premature" sexual experimenting. I know -- I've been there.

if you want to know what your kids are doing, then you need to create for them, and raise them in an environment that nurtures trust and honesty. your child should be the one telling you, not his or her doctor or clinic. if your child won't tell you, or talk about it with you, i suspect that there is a reason he or she doesn't want you to know. if you want to know these things about your children, you need to let them know that it is okay for them to talk to you about these things.

i don't feel that parental permission should be required because that requirement would prevent many kids from accessing that avenue of self-protection. sexual education is such a taboo, most parents will not bring it up with their children. parents fall into the false belief that their children are too young to need to know about such things. when the time comes for them to know what they need to know, the school sex education program will answer any questions kids have. all of this is FALSE. kids are not too young. children can begin having sex as young as ten or eleven years old. as soon as a girl gets her menstrual cycle, she is able to become pregnant. the schools cannot touch on the subjects that need to be addressed. the bulk of a high school sex education class focuses on reproductive body parts, and how mens are different from womens.

it is important that you tell your children exactly what you want them to know. make yourself available to answer any questions they may have, regardless of their nature. encourage your kids to do what is right, but learn to accept them if they fail, because statistics show that a majority of them will.

so, basically, what i'm trying to say, is that if you want to know what is going on with your kids, it is your responsibility to know or find out, not someone else's responsibility to come and tell you. the manner in which you parent, and the relationship you have built with your child (open and honest or sheltered and directed, among other things), will ultimately dictate how this delicate time of life will go.

How do you promote an atmosphere of respect for the idea of abstinance? Nobody has commented on my response that sexual experimentation can open a whole can of worms for the person who is not mentally mature and self-assured. In the presence of STD's, and in an environment of "I'm okay, you're okay" tolerance, the fear of pregnancy is no longer a hindrance to unmarried sex. Yet the female of the species continues to suffer as a result of unwanted pregnancies. All the social programs in the world will never change this fact. As you can probably guess, I don't believe abortion on demand will either. Abortion fosters it's own bugaboos. Most of you have hit the nail on the head -- we need proper education for our children. I believe that education should begin at home, from the time the child is able to start asking questions about his/her body; but in the absence of that, it should be carried in the schools. However, that education must encompass more than "parts is parts" -- the moral and ethical component must fit in somewhere too in order to save kids not only from the physical effects of being sexually active before they're ready, but from the mental suffering they will endure (for many years, maybe a lifetime) from a hurtful or exploitive experience.

You can't protect your kids from life itself.
It's hard, but we have the benefit of hindsight, they don't.
All you can do is be there for your kids when they need you.
Give advice only when asked!

I have a couple of quick questions for everyone on this one, and I'll answer them myself. Then I want to rant for a few...

1. Are you a parent? (very important question) (I'm not)

If you answered "No", think about this. You won't know how you feel about the situation until you're there. Ask some parents. Some will not have changed their minds, some will, and that goes for both sides of the equation. I have asked some parents (that's how I know). The same is true of any controversial subject.

2. Do you think pre-marital sex is ok? (I don't)

Whatever you answered, your children will most likely believe the same thing as you. Unless someone else is interfering with your parenting.

To those of you who answered yes, think about how you feel when you hear about the "religious wackos" out there who want to get rid of free condoms for children. They are trying to take away a protective service provided by the schools. They are trying to tell your children that pre-marital sex is wrong. They are trying to override your job as a parent!

To those who answered no, think about how you feel when you hear about the "heathens" out there who want to give your child a condom so he/she can go have sex whenever and suffer no consequences. They are trying to tell your children that "you shouldn't have sex yet, but since you will, use this...here's how it works". They are, in a sense, telling your child that pre-marital sex is ok. They are trying to override your job as a parent!


Look at the last sentence of the last two paragraphs. They're the same! That's right. Both sides of this argument have very good reasons for their decision. Both sides have the same problem, and both sides are causing the same problem for the other side. Both sides will be overridden by a decision in favor of the other side. There is no easy solution.

Even though I'm not a parent, here's mine:
(I'm going to become more subjective now.)
If you want condoms to be available to your child, you supply them. Not the school, not a clinic. You. I don't want to by your son a condom, but I have to pay my taxes... If you are as active a parent as you want me to be ("Teach YOUR kids to ignore it, but don't deny MINE!"), buy your son/daughter a box of Trojans. But I don't want to. It's not MY responsibility. My responsibility will be my children. And when I have them, I will teach them my beliefs. Don't be Satan to my son. Don't tempt my daughter any more than what she will already be feeling. Don't tell them that "Smoking is bad" and supply cigarettes.

Who knows? By the time I have kids, I might have changed my stance on pre-marital sex. But either way, I will be responsible enough to make sure that my kids not only know what I think, but that they are prepared in either case. But for now, I want the right to know when my future children are given condoms. I want to be completely responsible for my family.

I have a ton more I could say, but I'll wait for responses.

--Kheldar

1. yes, i am a parent. i am aware that talking to my child about sex is going to be an unpleasant prospect at best, but it is something that must be done, and done properly.

2. yes, i think pre-marital sex is okay. but i also think that armed with all pertinent, and correct current information (whatever that may be at any given time) that pre-marital sex is a decision that each individual must make for themselves. i can immediately think of instances where i would definately think it is NOT okay for my child to have pre-marital sex, and i can also think of instances where it would be okay.

i am realistic tho. i know that i want to be the primary source of information for my child. i also know that it is impossible for me to be the ONLY source. i want my child to always be completely comfortable coming to me with any questions or problems he may ever have, but i realize that this will not always be true. besides myself, he is also under the influence of his father, his grandparents, his teachers, his friends, the media, the community, and the internet. it is impossible to completely shelter your children, they must learn some things for themselves. i do not see either group you mentioned trying to undermine my parenting. my job as a parent is to give my child every opportunity, every resource, to equip him as best i can for the world he has to live in, let him make his own choices, and catch him when he falls.

i would not have a problem with making condoms available to my child. however, if he didn't feel comfortable coming to me or asking me for them, i would want him to have other avenues of protecting himself.

now, let me ask you a question....

you do not think pre-marital sex is okay (and that's fine, btw). think of it this way: when you get married, and have children of your own, in the course of raising them you will bestow upon them your views of pre-marital sex. they will know that you do not approve. but they will also know that their friends have pre-marital sex. and they just might be curious. knowing your feelings, they may feel uncomfortable coming to you with questions for fear that they may lead you to believe they are already practicing pre-marital sex. so they get their information from their friends. when your children are ready to experiment, where do they get their protection from?

and i'm not at all saying that this scenario WILL happen. it just as likely will not. but you would be deluding yourself to think that it wouldn't be a possiblity. how do you prepare for that contingency? and if you did find out that a child of yours is having pre-marital sex, what do you do then?

Responce to Kheldar.
Unfortunately, people without children cannot know what it is like having them. A good film to watch would be "Parenthood"; although meant to be a comedy, albeit black, it is an accurate representation of family life. The kid with his head in the bucket, banging his head in the bucket on the wall for fun? That's ~my~ youngest son, although he doesn't abuse himself, he is a "special-needs child" and attends a special school. I don't have a clue as to how I am going to talk to him about sex, when the time comes!
The son who sulked constantly and never talked to his mother, that's my teenage son...
The teenage girl who went out with the wildest guy she could find, just to get her mother's attention...that's my older daughter {now happily married with her own son}
~pauses for breath~
What I am trying to say is: every child is different, even if they have the same parents.
You have to treat each child as an individual. You can't sit them all down around a dinner table & say "Let's talk about sex"; it just doesn't work like that.
You can't tell them ~nothing~ as they will get the information {probably wrong} from elsewhere.
When you tell them, they will bombard you with questions...
and every time you answer, they will reply "Why?"Believe me, Kheldar, I got no certificate for raising children with my first pregnancy.
You have to apply for a licence to own a dog.
But any mean, sick or evil bastard {male or female} can become a biological parent, and take out his evil, lust/gratifications upon the poor unfortunate child.
I know you believe that sex before marriage is wrong. I respect that. You may instil those values in your children, but they are seperate individuals to you and your wife. They may acknowledge your beliefs, but go out and have sex anyway, just because they want to! It doesn't mean they don't respect your beliefs. They are just living their life how they want to.
Suppose you have a 17 year old daughter, whom you love dearly, she has already left home, spread her wings, her first boyfriend gets her pregnant then dumps her...
What do you do? Turn her away when she turns up on your doorstep? Say "You shouldn't have had sex" or "I told you so...." or do you open your door and give her a big hug? Then look forward to becoming a grandparent?
Not the best situation, but I've been there, done that, and we survived it.
I know a lot of good people, but I have yet to meet a perfect parent.
To your question, about pre-marital sex. I'd be a hypercrite if I said it wasn't OK.
Sex is one of the few pleasures in my life, yet I've not been married for 16 years. I've not met anyone I would be happily married with, in those years. I do try to be celibate; certainly celibacy is preferable to sleeping around.
When I meet the right man, I will marry again.Until then, I don't have a crystal ball.

As a 19yr old who doesn't belive in Pre Marital sex you may think I have had a hard time. On the contrary I have in fact been supported by all of my friends and past boyfriends I don't impose it on anyone, except those I date for the duration of our relationship. I suppose, as you have been arguing, it was instilled in me by my Catholic mother that sex before marriage was not 'advisable' however I have always known that if I did decide to enter a sexual relationship she would still be there for me, no questions asked, no judgements made. I was always told that it was my choice as to how to live my life and I know that I do things that she probably would not have done in her time, I am not against a bit of fooling around with my long term boyfriend, but I want to save myself for my Husband, your virginity can only be lost once and I want to give it to the man who I hope to spend the rest of my life with. I know that in this day and age marriages don't always last, my sister has just settled her divorce, but on the other hand at the end of May we will be celebrating my grandparents 60th wedding anniversary with them. Be honest with your child tell them what you believe but don't force them to follow, if you can provide a reasoned argument then maybe like me they will follow to a certain extend what you believe.
On the subject of contraception, for me I will use it within Marriage, who am I to bring another child into this world when there are so many who need to be loved. I will adopt (hopefully) and if it were my choice I would not have children, but I know I will give in to my future husband who will undoubtably want kids (maybe it's the men I pick but all my boyfriends have wanted children when they're older!). I do not dissagree with contraception I think it is a wonderfull invention when used wisely.

E G Mel made a very sensible and balanced statement on the way of the world today. As I have commented in other forums ont his site, it's good to see reasoned debate and sensible thought processes.

I am not married, but I am still with my first boyfriend, and have been for nearly 4 years now. I am not a virgin, but I do use contraception. My parents never told me if sex before marriage was right or wrong. Whatever their views were they kept them to themselves, making it clear to me that they were concerned only for my choices and happiness. If I wanted to talk about anything they were there for my questions, but as in the case of most young people I acquired most of my information from outside my family unit. I think the important thing is to realise, as so many people have already said, that children cannot be dictated to, but they can be influenced into thinking about what they are doing by the reactions of those around them. An open family will invite open feeling and honesty. A family that is closed to certain areas of questioning and inquiry will in many cases cause those areas to remain taboo, and therefore even more interesting for the children. It's all just a case of strikingt he right balance between the arenas of beleif. If you don't beleive in pre-marital sex, that's great, I admire those values and I think it's a wonderful way of showing your love for someone. If you think pre-marital sex is okay, again, great, you're living your life the way you wish to. In either case though, your child also needs to decide which side of the fence he or she will sit on, and the only way they can do that comfortably is to have available the information so they can make a decision taht is right for them.

Whoo.... mini essay or what?

I think we kinda killed the conversation there

You're right though it is nice to see reasoned, well thought out arguments.

Mel

No, I'm not a parent. I do have enormous sympathy for anyone who is - it seems to me that whatever you do, you'll get some form of stick for it from your offspring or others.

One problem for kids seeking contraceptive advice or even abortions is that there are many children who are being sexually abused either by a family member or close friend, and are afraid to tell anyone about it. They may feel that their parents will not believe them (if it is not the parent/s doing the abusing), or will blame them.

Another is that parents who are emphatically oposed to pre-marital sex *MUST* be more open with their kids about sex, the physical and emotional consequences, and why they wish their kids to abstain. Most people I know whose parents were in the "anti" camp did not take the time to explain their concepts of sexuality to their kids - most did not discuss sex at all, except in negative terms. Obviously, this doesn't apply to all those who wish their kids to abstain, but it does raise the issue of keeping those channels of communication open, and also (importantly) of letting your kids know that if they do "fall down", you won't stop loving them.

That may seem really obvious, but I remember with terrible clarity the sense that if my parents knew who I really was, they'd stop loving me, and I'd never regain their love. In actual fact, it was absurd; but it didn't stop me feeling it, and most kids seem to have the same awful fear. After all, our parents are the centre of the universe - they know all and see all, even as we run them down for knowing nothing. And you can't tell me that the average kid doesn't suffer through adolescence.

Another issue is that of sexual orientation. This article was about pregnancy, but one issue for non-heterosexual kids is proving their heterosexuality. One obvious way to do this is to have heterosexual sex. So now you're a teenager who is terrified of being gay or bi, and also terrified of their parents knowing that they are having sex - any kind of sex. Talk about heavy.

So that's my tuppence ha'penny

Too true, and also v scary.

I am lucky to have the parents I do, they may not be perfect but they're damn near there!

Mel

I have been sexually active since I was 16 and my mum is aware of this. She lets my partner stay the night and she knows that I am upstairs having sex.
She is the perfect mother as I feel comfortable in my sexuality and body, whereas if I had controlling parents I would be an emotional wreck.

I am 20 and engaged to my wonderful fiance and yes we are trying for a child. We will get married hopefully this year or next, but for now we just want a child even if it is outside of marriage, because I know I will be with him forever.

And yes as you can tell im a big advocate of sex before marriage, I dont see any problem.

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