h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Here we are then. Stacks of all the world's great literature.
A reading room. Helpful directions and answers to literary questions... And a cozy chat room for discussing the fine art of literature...
Who wants to be a Librarian?

Our topic today:

Most misunderstood book ever - besides the Bible:

I have to say "The Island of Dr. Moreau".
Mostly, because so few read it anymore and yet everyone is aware of at least one film version.
First you have to put it in proper historical context. These were the days of sailing ships, Joseph Conrad's adventures, and the late Victorian curiosity about the wonders of the world that gave rise to Museums, Zoos, and Circuses (PTBarnum et al).
Maybe Hollywood loves this book because it speaks (unintentionally) to the horrors of cosmetic surgery. Dozens of directors have made and remade movies of this title. None of them does the book justice. They simply use the one central premise (an Island where a mad scientist makes 'monsters') and go from there, adding/deleting characters (especially a 'romantic interest') and creating a 'horror show' usually with the hero and heroine escaping for a happy ending in true Hollywood fashion.
But the relationships of the 'books' characters are lost in our modern society. The then-science-fiction-theory proposed has since become modern practise as far as is practicable. And the morality of it is no longer a question many people consider anymore.

Or do you...?

**Slips in quietly wearing red quilted velvet smoking jacket with a pipe sticking out of the breast pocket, ready to take up position in leather armchair by roaring fir. Stops. Looks around. Peers closely at shelves.**

Good grief, jwf old chap, you've made a big mistake! These books are real. I thought it was supposed to be a film set, and I was to star as crusty old codger!

Prediliction being my word of the week, I would suggest that Hollywood's prediliction for this old volume of yours has more to do with it being out of copyright than anything else.

Although I am aware of your book, I regret I cannot claim to have read it, and thus totally agree with everything you say.

So thats that then, old boy. I hope your next visitor is of a more literary bent.

**Rustles newspaper, and disappears behind it**

*Enters, notes russling newspaper by a great fir tree, doesn't comment on it for fear of pedantic reverberation* I, on the other hand, have read The Island of Doctor Moreau. It was a while ago mind. It didn't strike me as one of Wells' best, but then I am more into the Steam Punk aspects which are lacking in Moreau. I would have thought that the central theme (vivisection) was as strong today as it was then (think Huntingdon Life Sciences). Unfortunately, Hollywood is more interested in greebly monsters and archetypal characters (Hero, Heroine, Villian, Sidekick, Plot forwarding spod or Fifth Business if you read the right books) than actual issues. Unless of course the issues involve cleavage, children and a happy ending (Erin Brokovich). Well that's my tuppenworth, I shall now peruse the shelves. Got any Port?

Yes it should be there in the FOODS section betwixt 'PORRIDGE: Hot,Cold or Just Right' and 'Portable Feast'.
BTW food and drink are welcome here in the Library and well ..smoke 'em if y'got 'em.

So the question really was either 'most misunderstood book' or 'who wants to be a librarian'. Ok, Ok, no rush ...one at a time please.

**Lowers top of newspaper. Peers over at assembled bods, wonders why the fir tree crackles so**

Obviously, jwf, you must be the librarian, as you seem to have read at least one book. I am, it has to be said, misunderstood. But, I am, as well you know, just a man whose intentions are good! So, perhaps I could be a book, too.

Carry on.

I was a librarian at school.
If I put my hair in a bun and balance a pair of glasses on the end of my nose will you let me do it?
Or will you just throw me out for juggling with the food?

Food! In a library! What sort of establishments do you frequent?

But librarians always have buns and glasses don't they?

True enough, Tefkat. And then at some point in the proceedings, they take of their specs, pull a comb out of their hair, and the tumbling and tempetuous curls transform the previously prim and proper (ooh!, don't you just love a little alliteration) Prudence into the blonde tress tossing temptress...

(*Blushes as realises he is doesn't seem to read the same sort of books as his learned friends, whose lower jaws have dropped in astonishment, as Tefkat puls comb from hair to reveal....)

I see we have an application for head librarian... but can she stereotype?

Why is that - that librarians and 'school marms' are - are seen as prim and proper Prudences who take off their glasses and lower their buns and it's hot-hot-hot. Where'd this idea come from anyway. Hollywood stereotype? Or from a classic book? Or is it the general rule? I can say from experience that the 'primest', best mannered, most conservative, best-read woman I ever knew - was a hell cat when she let her hair down. But was she just playing the stereotype, or are these women just so fussy about what they do and so cool about how they do it that when partytime 'finally' happens it no holds barred...

*should primmest have two mms - i think what i typed means prime-est which is also true but...*

The 'primest, best mannered, most conservative, best-read woman' is likely to be also more intelligent and imaginative than most so you would expect her to be a hell-cat when she lets her hair down.
She would also have more to lose (by gaining a 'reputation') than your average, fluff-headed bimbo so she would have developed the prim and proper persona (Yes, I like a little alliteration also ) as protective colouration.
The camouflage also helps weed out the dim, unimaginative men, who can't see past the externals
I would guess that the 'type' probably predates films but Hollywood has helped turn it into a stereotype.

By the way, young man, that SHOULD be 'primmest'.
If you can just help me with this 17 volume set of the OED I'll show you












my stereotyping skills

My 'average fluff headed bimbo's have nothing to lose but their chains! But I'll take them for everything they got.

Yeah, you're right. It is intelligence and common sense and a sense of taste that makes these stereotypes attractive. By contrast, their unrestrained sensuality is ever the more appreciated.
The environment of a library or bookstore or classroom gives them a 'domain' where they have a sense of control, and their rules of prudence and civility prevail. They can control the lecherous and hormonal advances of beasts in these environs. And they are obliged to control their own impulses as modestly as possible. It allows them time and freedom to discriminate without offending. When they target on a 'desirable' the rules of decorum are still in force so this mutual restraint heightens mutual anticipation... oh I've got to stop thinking about her... excuse me.

*wanders off singing 'Dear Prudence, won't ya come out and play...*

Then there was that Jean Brodie chappess who, if memory serves, was forever in her prime. Was she prim? I suggest that she was, however hard she struggled to protest her lack of innocence.

Surprised by his leap to the defence of bad spelling (or slip of the typing finger) P relapses to consider the state of his hormones.

**Regards Pheroneous with that infuriatingly superior air all cats (and librarians) seem to have and stalks out, tail held high.**

**Peers over reading glasses and newspaper at disappearing moggie.**

There you go, jwf, knew there were rules about furry librarians. Always need rules and regulations. And hormones.

*Re-enters hurriedly*

Pheroneous, there are several ladies of the night outside, all moaning about being gratuitously dragged in. Can you go and deal with their moans please?

**Jumps to feet, hurls newspaper to floor and stalks off in feigned rage**

See, jwf, what happens when you put the pets in charge! I suppose I shall have to go outside and deal with these dreadful puns myself. In person. On my own. Alone.

**He leaves with nary a 'goodnight' to anyone, but with a strange twinkle in his eye!**

*still struggling to get the OED's 17 volumes onto the shelves in the proper order*

Does XV come before or after XI?

*begins humming tunelessly what little tune there is to "A Very Good Year" then begins audibly mumbling the words, equally tunelessly*

'When I was XVII it was a very good year
I drank some really good beer
stayed up listening to Queen
when I was XVII..'

Does IX come before INDEX?

Actually I intended you to stack them one atop t'other on the floor so I could stand on them and reach you

(Then you could be as high as a kit)