h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

As an astute observer named Saki once observered, 'Before you can have pianists in the house, you have to have beginners.'

"Where ya wan' the p'yanna, lady?"

The trouble with moving house - okay, one of the ~many~ troubles of moving house - is moving the piano. Certainly there are some strange people listed in the phone book who specialise in moving pianos, but they always seem to be busy six weeks either side of your moving date. So you wrap the thing in blankets and hope for the best.

The other thing that strikes me about pianos is how many people I know who have one but never play it. Perhaps they really wanted a fireplace with a mantelpiece because all the piano gets used for is as somewhere to put the photos of cute nieces/nephews/grandchildren. *sigh*

When we got our piano, we had to change after a few weeks, we got the same delivery men, who after moving the first out and the second in, kept muttering darkly about why on earth I couldn't take up the violin. I also don't understand why people have pianos who cannot play, they seem to treated mostly as very large vase and dollie rests

I went to stay in a small cottage near Perth recently where the piano was polished, dusted and the stool recovered but where the actual piano itself had five nonfunctional keys, three that didn't move and only ten that sounded the right note, albeit a very weak and insubstantial one. In the winter this cottage is freezing unless it's inhabited in which case it gets to about 30°c. I dread to think what's happening to the frame of the poor thing at the moment. At the moment, because I have no money, I'm playing a small Yamaha thing , circa 1986. The bastards that own the cottage will probably win the lottery tomorrow, just to rub it in.

Poor little thing, brings a whole new meaning to suffering piano. My piano was originally from Selfriges, but that was about 80 years ago, so it's form the second hand shop, but in surprisingly good condition. It even has it's lid key (miricle). the best piano story has to be the one my old school got because although someone else offered more, they wanted to strip the beautiful baby grand down, paint it pink and use it as furniture!

They did terrible things to pianos at my school. They had a grand in the main hall that was never used except by swotty gits that sucked up to the music teachers and by the music teachers during special assemblies. As a result, the thing sounded dead and lifeless from underuse. All the uprights in the various music rooms sounded fine, though uprights always lack bass. Anyone caught trying to lift the lid and maybe perhaps clear some of the dust and spiders' webs away was usually banned from ever going near it.

yes, I've had the same experience, one piano has never been tuned (the music department says it's maintenance, maintenance says music) so it sounds like a honkey tonk from a spaghetti western. The other has no keyboard, well it has the odd erratically placed piece of wood, oh and they carefully placed it, it is next to the heads office, so you cannot play it without being caught and banned. God i love this positive attitude to musicians

Although I admit that I believe the piano to be the most beautiful instrument in the world, can you understand why I dabble with synthesizers now... At least you can perform live with your own instrument without going into the moving business.

I reckon that no musical instrument can hold a candle to the human voice.
Not mine mind.

AG

Yeah but I like to play chords and I'm not from Symtrillias or Fintlewhatsox.
The best solution they could come up with as a substitute to polyphony was 'A CHOIR'. Great, thank you...it's the people that get you down...
Still I record my vocals in the bathroom, talk about analog processing. Great sound.
Does this make Any Sense ? Must be related to the piano somewhere...

Yes, bathrooms do have great acoustics, and you can get cool background sounds with taps.. Is this related to pianos? Well you can put a piano in a bathroom (actually I have a friend who says you can fit an upright in a toilet, why she knows this bothers me still) Good sound, but trust me....don't.

Wahey. Someone who respects acoustics and atmosphere. Maybe the added natural reverb of a bathroom would make it impossible to add all the processing and chorussing that today's chart-topping artists require. They ought to try it for once, rather than singing their lines wrapped in anechoic material. Why do they bother to use low-impedance vocal microphones if they're not going to allow a little of the room to creep in? Is it because such people usually perform wearing a headset and thus never develop mic technique? Hmmmm.
Stone-walled underground air-raid shelters have great sounds. Maybe it's the largeness and slight reverb offered combined with the darkness and slight feel of dampness and mould in the air.

Old churches provide a host of great reverbs, flanges and other stunning effects. Especially if there's an enlosed stone staircase up to the bell tower. Leave whoever's playing to play away in the body of the church, and climb halfway up to the bell tower. You get stunning flanged sound effects as you move around within the stairwell. Any crypty type areas are also superb for funky reverbs and echos.

Oh yeah, Pianos, love 'em.

Have y'all ever tried to play the piano the Keith Emerson-way ?
Great if you want to get rid of your piano anyway, maybe they should sample That ;

Dear customer,

Your new DdsD-sampler now holds unique sounds. Take preset A1, demolishing pianos, great for your techno-remixes and it also drives your family crazy(free bonus). Let us give you some more examples ; fendercracking, straining stradivariuses, the Yamaha-moan, ferocious vocalists and of course a complete sample of BoyZone...etc, etc...

pianos - mmm
anyone know how to get tickets to see evgenny kissin play at the proms?
My piano is second hand - from a little old lady my tuner knew

One day I will buy myself a gorgeous boston grand - and have surgery to lengthen my fingers so I can span more than just about an octave

I want a grand piano. I have the hands forit (ridiculous on a girl, i sometimes feel faintly spiderlike), but buying it is not the problem (ok, money could be slightly, but hey! What else is bank robbery for?) But where do you put it? They are the best worsst designed things ever, unless you happen to live in a £1,000,000 house

Let me give you a little secret ; Roland makes brilliant digital pianos and I mean with REAL action, beautifull pianos etcetera. O.K. so it doesn't come with Grand Piano sounds but neither does a regular piano.

A real piano is ofcourse something that you relate to more but as you said ; moving it, keeping it, isolating the walls, etcetera. There is something to say for digital nowadays(and they're not as expensive as a real one).

BFN

TM.

I would like to state that I am in no way associated with Roland Musical Instruments whatsoever. I further deny any accusation of a marketingplot to have you all buy from this company. Furthermore I would like to say that I had NOTHING to do with the Kennedy-assasination of '63 and was in no way whatsoever involved in the Second World War.

TowelMaster.

Is there any form of midi-compatible keyboard available, either with its own sounds or without on which the key weighting and velocity-sensitivity can be turned off? It's really annoying when fiddling with our keyboard player's keyboard that the organ noise (which is crap to start with) is velocity-sensitive.

Keyweighting : never seen it.
Velocity 0 : Every proper synth has that so maybe the piano's have it to. But this is just beside the point ; if you want those options buy the module-version of the piano and look around for a (second-hand)-masterkeyboard(weighted and all) like a Yamaha KX88. I'ts on my wishlist and very high on it.

Hope it helps,

BFN

TM