h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Alcohol can also be blamed for half of the world's accidents, including sudden population increases and decreases. This is readily visible
at most bars (common meeting places where alcohol is consumed) at 12-4 AM inclusively, inside America.
Certain people take the absorbtion of alcohol very seriously. It is not likely that they would be in a bar, though. Alcohol makes weak men think
they're strong, and make strong men need to prove it (usually by using a weak man). Since it makes people irresponsible, alcohol usually
takes the blame for a drunk fool's actions. Someone has to pay, after all.

Now, where can one find the Universal Alcohol Table, or UAT for short?

alcohol. Brilliant as long as its not my round next matey

It is my opinion that alcohol consumption can account for a number of so-called Alien Abductions. Evidence often given for such abductions are: mysteriously 'lost' hours, a sudden change in personality, sexual experimentation and being covered in a 'mysterious goo'.

I have lost many hours through the consumption of alcohol and often woken covered in a strange goo (which mysteriously always contains carrots)

yeah, where do we get this table from?

Ah, yes, but a hearty "Heck Yeah" for sexual experimentation.

... And if it's got all these drinks in it, it must be more like a desk or a cabinet or something. How many can sit round it?

I think it's also responsible for most financial crises on the planet. I'm just waiting for some bar to be sued for manslaughter when they come up with the "All you can drink" offers. In a court of law, in the US at least, I don't doubt for a second that they could get a jury to decided that "All you can drink" is a technically limitless and hence lethal dose, and so the offering of it constitutes not only threatening behaviour but also full responsibility for any lives the offer claims.

Oh bloody hell, _sure_ we could blame all our alien abductions and financial problems on an innocent liquid which has just tried its best to include vital elements to the existance of a human. I have a delightful liquid companion who goes by the name of Jameson who would not like to know that it's being blamed for something that is obviously the fault of gnomes! Gnomes, I tell you! Excuse me now, I'm going to go consult Jameson.

Mmmmmmm, alcohol.... The cause of, and solution to, all life's problems - Homer Simpson

Can you imagine what will happen if they try and introduce these alcohol driven cars? Picture the scene, you're on the way home from the pub with your mates, after being chucked out at 11. You've not drunk enough to feel finished, but you have drunk enough to get stupid. You walk past one of the new alcohol fuel stations and your addled brain has an idea..... I think you know what I'm getting at. They'll also have to hire someone with a big stick to keep out the tramps.

Gnomes!

You see, some of us would not be tempted to take advantage of these fueling stations unless they made specifically whiskey-powered cars. A small hindrance called "good taste" would also be a problem (good taste is basically a wish to spend more currency so that the alcohol which one imbibes does not inflict an immediate gagging reaction.) My friend Jameson agrees.

and i thought i was the only one!

The point I was making is that if you're drunk enough and your mates are egging you on, you'll try anything. And don't try to tell me that tramps have to like an alcoholic beverage to drink it. I saw one the other day drinking window-cleaner. Incedentally, we once got my mates car to run on whiskey, when it ran out of petrol in the middle of nowhere and all we had was half a bottle of JDs (a terrible, terrible waste, I know, but it was either that or walk).

It is also a good idea to make sure that the alcohol that one imbibes does not cause blindness. That is unless you don't like what you see or don't care if you can see or not. Also, I suppose if you are already blind it might not matter; but probably still wouldn't be very good for you.

Why is it that whenever you come across a pair of drunkards, one is
always filthy, smelly, incoherent, blood-stained and barely able to
walk, while the other is far worse?

Why is it that whenever you come across a pair of drunkards, one is
always filthy, smelly, incoherent, blood-stained and barely able to
walk, while the other is far worse?

it's good to hear that there are some other who share the same experiences!

Yesterday, by the way, I tried czechoslowakian beer (sorry, forgot the name)
well, not that bad, but it gives you a funny feeling in your stomach during the following day.
Definitely not an invention of the breakfast-industry.

Maybe that is where the maise from crop circles goes - into Czech beer