h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The Author appears to have forgotten "stirring".
Whilst not being expressly designed for this use, the spoon has become almost universally accepted as the implement de rigeur in liquid agitation applications and for making cakes too.
I once met someone who had amused himself by calculating the horrendously convoluted integral calculus involved in the fluid dynamics of stirring a cup of tea and proved conclusively that it is more efficacious to move the spoon to and fro across the diameter of the teacup than to follow the circumference in the normal way. Sad f****r.

What about the sexual uses of spoons? The father of a friend of mine is a GP, and in surgery was required to remove such an item of cutlery from the anatomy of a woman.

It wasn't a teaspoon, either.

I wonder if I might see his calculations, as I'm sure a figure-of-eight pattern would be more efficient, reversing the direction at the end of each cycle.

Wooden spoons are also useful when reheating last night's frozen leftovers. Their use is several:

1. Levering the bolognaise ice block into a vertical position so that it can be tipped over. This prevents burning as in the early stages only the very surface melts, the moisture evaporating, leaving a dry meaty-tomatoey substance that will quickly turn black if not kept moving.

2. As the lump begins to thaw, breaking it into smaller lumps to speed the process.

3. Stirring. Again, I find the figure-of-eight techinique works particularly well. When reheating frozen lumps, stirring is an almost constant necessity to prevent drying out and burning of what is hopefully by now becoming a meal.

When engaging in the ancient tribal ritual known as the campfire, banjos, harmonicas and twelve-string guitars are all optional; however an absolute necessity is a pair of spoons. A stunning array of percussive and rhythmical effects awaits the adventurous spoon-player.
Begin by rapping a pair of spoons, held between the thumb and forefinger with bowls facing, onto the knee. Counter-rhythms can be produced by holding one hand several centimeters above the knee and rapping the spoons between these two surfaces.

Spoons are also the traditional implements used to play the water-glass xylophone; can be used to construct wind-chimes and make a nice sound when you stir your tea.

Spoons not only provide entertainment in their musical capacity, the entertainment potential of a spoon can be demonstrated in a few simply tricks.

1: "The Spoon on the Nose Trick"
-To get the spoon to balance on the end of your nose, you must first ensure that you have a properly shaped nose to accomplish the feat. A small "button" nose will never do, nor will a big bulbous fellow. The perfect spoon-balancing nose should have just the right amount of upturn at its tip. (Perhaps a five or ten degree difference between the bridge and the tip) The spoon is placed, bowl towards face with the handle in a downward vertical position. The end of the spoon sitting comfortably on the tip of the nose.

2: "The Spoon on the Forehead Trick"
-The spoon on the forehead trick offers much more entertainment value than the spoon on the nose trick, if only for its freshness. This is best accomplished with plastic spoons, though I have performed it with a stainless steel one (I have not yet tried silver...) It works best if you breath heavily on the back of the bowl, giving it a nice coating of condensation, then, with the head held upright and rigid (don't overtense yourself, though) the back of the bowl is pressed into the forehead, with the handle resting comfortably down on the nose.

These two tricks, if used in combination with other dinner table amusements can keep one entertained easily through a three or four course meal. Also great at birthday parties, weddings, stags, office parties, etc.

Thanks for the memories... I had forgotten. There used to be the occasional impromtu competition in spoon-balancing at our local pub.
The championship is still jointly held by my wife and her (other) best friend. The feat was four spoons - one on the nose, one on the chin, and one each hung from the left and right cheeks. (NO, cheeks on the FACE!) - Plus a full wine glass balanced on top of the head. The two participants had a race consisting of one lap around the pool table without losing any spoons or spilling the wine. They were both successful and I won 20 bucks as well!

Without resorting to Big Maths, my intuition suggests that you are probably right about the figure-of-eight stir pattern when reheating your lasagne but not in a cup of tea. I believe there is great importance in the ratio of spoon size to the size of the vessel in which one stirs - in a teacup, the teaspoon occupies probably about a quarter to a third of the available width and moves all the tea at once with each passage, whereas your average wooden spoon is proportionally much smaller than a saucepan and so needs to move sideways as well, producing the figure of eight.

Here's another game:
Divide people into teams of five or six or so. Each team stands in a line and passes a (chilled) spoon up inside the clothing of the first team member, down the clothes of the second, up the third and so on to see which team gets through them all first. Why is this so funny? - the spoon has a long piece of string attached.
N.B. these days the spoon is advised to wear a condom.

Spoon on the nose trick My fav and it makes the kids roll with laughter. My friend and I (after a few glasses of wine) can balance two spoons on the nose, two on the chin, smoke a cigarette and balance a full glass of wine in a proper wine glass and race each other around the pool table. Talk about your entertainment. Oh those spoons. What a blast. And I know that you want to try it just to see if you can do it. Tempting hey
Hoppa

Another Spoon Game:

"The Egg in Spoon Game"
Works best with about 20 people divided into four teams of five. This is a relay-style game. One at a time each team member races his/her counterparts to a destination before returning back to his/her team.

The Twist - Each teammember has a spoon and each team has an egg. The racers must carry the egg on their spoon to and from the destination. Upon returning, they must hand off the egg to the next person in their team.

Great Game for Summer Camps

Depending on how the spoon is turned (if at all) at the cup's edges in the back and forth or the figure 8 stir, a back and forth can be a degenerate figure 8. Intuitively it would seem that the ideal mixing motion would be a figure 8 with the diagonals at 45 degrees. This incorporates two back and forths and some circular motion ( in a very big pot with a relatively small spoon I think a back and forth would allow some "dead spots" along the edges if the back and forth were not rotated).

Another technique, though I suspect difficult in a teacup, is once round the circumference and across the diameter, then repeat in the opposite direction (again, round first, then across)

Intermediate Level Techniques: After one masters the aforementioned technique of holding the spoons correctly, beating the spoons back to back (creating eighth notes)one can:

1. apply more pressure on some beats down to the knee creating accents and causing spectators to think "hey, this guy / gal really knows what he / she is doing"(if you're able to look up and smile at the same time).

2. Spread the fingers on the hand that is not holding the spoons at a even distance from each other (approx. 15 mm), and before reaching the knee on a downstroke, run the spoons over the evenly spread fingers creating a "flam" ornament; continue down to the knee and up again to the palm of your hand over and over again until you feel the courage to try the "flam" again.

more later ...