h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

**The Esirpretne approaches a small planet somewhere in the vacinity of Betelgeuse. The sensors detect that the planet has a plentiful supply of water, oxygen, and some cute fuzzy green creatures. The captain decides to land. They see mist everywhere...
As the crew step out (wary of any electron rams that may be aimed at them), a young female human appears from the fog, and announces herself.**
I'm Aurora, alien biochemist, I knew a ship was approaching so I sent out the fuzzy green creatures to do their display of being green and fuzzy for you, so you'd land. I've been stranded here since my ship crashed (second-hand junk), and I wonder, do you have a place for a new crew member?
**The crew's eyes stray towards the fuzzy green creatures**
No! Not them, me! Well, you can decide, oh and they bite, so watch out.
**One of the crew members who had just picked a creature up, howls**
Huh, engineers...

HI! Sorry! I only just noticed that you'd started this thread here

So, you want to join the crew? We'd be delighted to have you! Just jump right in on the thread above - there's not much backlog to catch up on...

*looks at engineers*

Guys? Put that down. You're just going to get... oh, now look what's happened, that'll need stitches...

Welcome aboard, Aurora!

Can you pencil me in for the end-of-series cliffhanger episode? I don't mind being a villain - I've never (deliberately) been a villain before...

Oh, it's great, you should try it sometime. Mwahahahaha!

~~A~~

Peet, feel free to jump in anytime. We're always on the lokout for new crewmembers.

Hmm, you'll need a nice evil name...

~~A~~

I'd like to be listed as the general interfering evil type who appears in different makeup several times per season but is quite clearly the same person.
In fact, I've already started that, but I thought I should make my intentions clear.

[currently playing the part of the Supreme Counter of Cookies in the bowels of the planet The, the man with his finger on the anti-matter missiles button]

Aurora, I'd be doing very well if I could better the evil superbrain in "Sam and Max" - "Lactose the Intolerant"...!

I'll give a little thought along those lines...

Evil enough for ya? Bwahaahaahaa[wheeze]haahaa[cough]haaah!

Wow! cool evil people What do you have to do to be truely evil?

Declare yourself to be it. That's usuall a good start. I would then recommend "Being Evil for Dummies" by Dr. Evil, followed by "The Improver's Guide to Being Evil" by The Frogstar Prisoner Relations Officer.

Hi Captin!!!

I've just escapened from my home planet of SSCCXXDD after the nasty somthings or as we call them pains in the backside took over! I was flying a shutle and I am an experineced piolet!

So please save me!!!!!

Thankyou o great and evil Guru of wisdom.
I will now go and read these cool-sounding books and practice my evil laugh in a darkened room. How about "power, the power, the power, hahahahHAHAHAHAAWWWHAHAAHA" Is it a bit too cliche-d?

Practise in a well-lit room. You're too likely to scare yourself in the dark with that voice. I mean, it's very evil. Well done...

~~A~~

Why thankyou Aurora
You will be accepted as part of my crew on the Death Star (Model number 2/3 dunno) and begin to rebuild the My galactic rule as Empress of Whambambooworld - MwaaahahahaMWAHHHHHHAAAAA!
You can be First Mate. You get a sparkly badge and evrything.

Good, good. Ambition is also everything when trying to be horrendously evil. However, you might want to try adding in some Evilness of the offhand variety. In "From Angel to Evil in Six Days", it describes how you can use small furry animals to emphasise your own evilness. And you don't even have to skin them alive to do it - that indicates perversion. It's the contrast between the small furry animals and your own evilness that does the trick. Remember Blofeld in the Bond films (well, some of them)? His cat was pretty useful in that way. In my role as the Supreme Counter of Cookies I have a cat.

Oh, and remember to do evil things over dinner, like watching the Esirpretne burn up in the atmosphere. Bump off lots of people for your own entertainment.

And keep practising those evil laughs. They can only get eviller. When it can scare you in the daylight, then it's a truly Evil Laugh(TM).

MWAAAHAHAHA!

Hmm. I seem to be losing my touch. Must be all the cookies I've been eating lately.

I like the animals idea, I have a cat but it is hugely huge so that won't work. How about a ferret or similar? Something long and slinky
Hmmm...

*I haf you nowh, Meester Bohnd*

HWAHWAMAAAHWAHHAHA!!

Also, multiple exaclamation marks are a sure sign of a (criminal) madman/genius!!!!!!!!

Do you count the cookies you eat, or is it easier to count the ones you don't eat? Hmmm...
Over dinner I usually watch any handy operation on telly, Channel 56756 - "Blood, Guts and grime @ ten past nine" Usually there's a vasectomy or colostomy at that time so I have a chuckle at that.

Must be going for I think I hear Luke Skywalker invading my private greenhouse of killer tomatoes

*sound of breaking glass and loud squishy snap*

(Cue chorus...)
"I Know I'm going to miss her....
A To-mato ate my si-ster..."

Which reminds me... Do you have a theme-song for the Esirpretne yet?

~~A~~

Who knows?

I count any cookies - since I'm the Supreme Counter, I can count whatever I want, as long as it's some sort of cookie. If you've been following Season Two you'll notice how I built a pyramid of one million cookies which then got demolished. Most irritating, that.