h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

This sounds like something i'd like to get in on! do you have any angels yet? if not, can i be an Archangel??? i wanna be Archangel Zax.. little sibling to Michael... Pleeeeeese?? i'll bring gifts and bribes!! anything, you name it!

I'd like to be the Angel of Death.

No, just kidding. I think I'm sincerely ready for a new trench coat.

* From above the clouds the sound of heavenly trumpets sound, the glint of gold can be discerned, a heavenly choir of angelic voices begins to rise... *

GOD - Well, this ought to knock their socks off St.Peter

St.Peter - You just might break the reverie you know, if you talk over the Narrator, Master.

GOD - ...er, yes. You’re probably right.

* Ehem... A shining light breaks forth from the swirling clouds, out storms a Golden Chariot boarded by a dashing figure with a long white beard & robes (...looking all the better for having had the liquor stains removed). He holds his hand up to the sky, and the chariot comes to rest before two bewildered individuals... *

Yes, It’s Me...Oh, I just get all flustered on such formal occasions. Well, It’s wonderful to see you here. I’ll just...

* A blast of trumpets interrupt his flow, a terse look is exchanged for a collective one of indignation *

Well, on to the formalities.

* HE draws a golden sword from a scabbard under his robes. Just missing lopping off St.Peter’s nose, who was seemingly aware such an event might occur. His majesticness strides forth to Zax *

Given your abeyance of some of MY more important Commandments (...and overlooking a few minor other ones ), I hereby announce you to be here further known as Saint Zax, the Patron Saint of Alcoholic Indulgence. May you show all drunkards how to stoically hold their Ale...

* Once the sword has alighted from your shoulders, magically white wings begin to sprout from your back, suddenly the weight of your body leaves you as you realise your no longer on terra firma. Then, the almighty places a halo on your head, as the sound of the angelic choir rises to a chorus of ‘Hallelujah’, to greet the newly blessed Saint... *

* After a short interval of time, His majesty turns ever so slightly towards Ioreth. A blast of trumpets can be heard... *

On his joyous day, we also welcome a young lady who once lead the life of avoidance of religious studies, to now, where she is deemed worthy of Sainthood... I hereby announce you to be here further known as Saint Ioreth, the Patron Saint of Happy Accidents. May your good deeds bring joy to those who tumble blind through life, yet always land on their feet...

* Once again the swords mission is cast, even more flamboyant wings sprout forth, the lightness of their movement seems to send a giddy sensation right to your head. You gradually regain some sense of clarity when a chorus of ‘Hallelujah’s’ burst forth from your new brethren. A golden halo is gently placed on your head, as onlookers ghasp at how it seems to have been the last part of the jigsaw puzzle to make your look truly beautific... *

* As the ceremony comes to a gradual close, fingerfood is served, comprising of cucumber sandwiches, angels food cake & fairy bread. As you mingle, you pick up invaluable fashion tips from Gabrielle, whilst the others eye you up to see where you might come in the great angelic pecking order.... *

- THE Chairman of the board.

AAaaaahhhhh... Thanks, God! These are Great! (of course!)



Hehehe... The New Order is HERE! Wow, this is great!

Hey Pete! I should be getting to work, so care to show me the ropes? How's 'bout a tutoring session over a pint?

*AHEM*

uh..er... oh! uh.. of COURSE you too, m'Lord! Just thought you'd want to keep your robes clean a little longer!


Hey little sister! Care to come along? We can show off our new wings!

Think I'll pass, I've got flying lessons. But thanks...

*glides away*

Way to Fly!!

Time to go to work.

M'Lord? just wondering if you'd mind if i borrowed the angel sign... you know, to post on my page? Strictly for recruitment purposes, of course!



*ahem* Please?

Hi, so here I am to volunteer as an Angel.
Are small yellow cartoon birds allowed to be angels?
Can I be the exception?

angles are cool....
St benji
please sign me up...if i cant i'g gona explode with kindness

* My master has been overwhelmed by the level of support for the New Order, HE is unfortunately detained due to his setting up the newly refurbished Guardian page and...oh, running the Universe of course . He has sent St.Peter along to clear up any outstanding queries *

Oh, hello. I don’t think we have officially met. How are you, settling into the new vocation, alright ? I’ve just got to make it down to the bar one night. It’s just so hard when your designated driver for HIM all the time, I mean it’s just not fair now is it...

* I know, I know. You should try to be God’s Narrator for once. I mean how do you have time to yourself when your employer is awake 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a Year, a Thousand Years a Millennium... *

Anyway, as I was saying, before I was rudely interrupted...

* Hmmppphhh... well, I never *

I...was...saying... .. . He has conveyed the general parameters of your calling are to help lost souls who might venture to the page with anything they might need or information, and just helping people generally acclimatise to the H2G2 experience. Indeed, you might want spend a little time posting follow up threads at their page, so they feel like someone’s gone out of their way to keep in touch ( not that he is critizing the Aces, but HE feels, rather than the almost perfunctory singular greeting, people should take the time to follow up).

(More on the Page)

His majesticness has also wished me to relay that all the jifs & jpegs from his pages can now be used, (click right button/or hold down mac mouse) as they have found a home & are now ’Kosher’ . HE also would like to convey that if you have a P.C, you might think of setting up an email account in the name of Guardian Angels at Deja.com, mainly so we can use the site to dump images. (you get 15 meg space for nothing, no follow-ups). He would do it himself, but a ZX81 is just as useless for file transfer as a Mac

Well, I catch you for that pint later on...

Bye Bye.

* The clouds part as a lift goes tumbling out of the sky *

* Needless to say, there is a loud THUD...*

* Needless to say, I didn’t need to say that, ahem *

* From out the lift an old wizened man stumbles, with a rather perplexed curly headed assistant *

St.Peter - I knew pressing ‘Basement’ was a mistake...

GOD - Oh, these must be them, Ah yes. I remember them from their starring roles on T.V, and I thought, you both had gone off to the great re-run picture tube in the sky. But, it’s amazing what a good taxidermist can do...

* St.Peter groans not particularly from anything specifically said, but more in anticipation of another unfunny remark *

* You notice at the extremities of your vision a number of fatigued Saints gradually padding out into choir formation. After starting cautiously, they endeavour to keep the tempo, which they fail miserably. The ‘Hallelujah’s’ sound more like they have been written for some sombre Russian Parade; which is quite a coincidence, because the lift was manufactured there... *

GOD - In the sight of some of the nobler Saints, It is my solemn ? Alright, joyful duty to bring the most pious of fictional characters, saviour of many small children, the creature with an almost uncanny ability to do tasks usually requiring opposable thumbs, the creature who’s long career was scuttled in it’s prime by a callous smear campaign alleging the contraction of mange from an illicit affair with a wastrel poodle. I hereby announce Saint Benji to be the Patron Saint of the Barking Mad. As from now, I charge you to go out & quell the madness in the plain loopy that inhabit the byways of H2G2...

* With that a halo & wings sprout forth, and a hapless Immortal tries to fathom if a dog actually has shoulders to complete the ceremony *

* A great swell of trumpets greets the momentous event. The gathered Saints give a cry of ‘Huzzah’, when a ‘Hooray’ would have sufficed *

* My master then turns to the small bird *

And now, we turn our heavenly gaze upon the small bird, who through thick and thin has evaded the grasping claws of that tattered pussy...(Declaimer: The powers at be wish to point out that neither Greebo or Alicat have participated in such activities, and if they did, they did it on the quiet)

* Dramatic Pause...Simply, because he feels HE has the right gravitas to pull it off, but mainly because, he has momentarily forgotten the next line *

Yes, yes...Let it be known from now on that the small bird has become a Saint, the Patron Saint of Impossible Escapes. Let you Saint Tweety, go forth & confound reality at it’s own game, as it has had far too much fun at humanity’s expense, and it’s about time humanity got it’s own back...

* The crowd sighs as the large golden halo replaces the incumbent little one. My master’s eyes go a little bit when it comes to sprouting of wings, but thankfully decides that four foot long wings on a bird 30 centimetres long, would look rather silly. The golden sword is drawn whilst the bird flies around, HE decides against pushing the issue (well if you had spent half your life being pursued by a cat holding sharp objects, you would probably do the same).

* The day gradually ends with the usual platter of Cucumber Sandwiches, Angels Foodcake & Fairy Bread. A number of senior Saints quietly question the validity of canonising fictional characters, before bemoaning that their T.V celebrity will probably mean that their feast days will become more popular in no time... *

- Simply, High Spirited.

Who's ever going to be about about over the Easter period, could they periodically check this page. It's a busy time in MY schedule, when I have masses on mass to attend...

I'll leave Saint Zax the keys to the cupboard with the Golden Sword in it. Wield it well ...

GOD - Moving in Mysterious Ways (Even for a Pan-Dimensional Being)

And a happy Passover to you too, God.

With Honor m'Lord! Don't suppose you could spare that narrator as well? He has such a way with words! I promise to feed and walk him while you're away..


- Saint Zax
Patron of Drunken Indulgence (and the True Brownie)
~for obvious reasons one of the most popular saints..


I'll start that E.M. box as well. check my Code Bits forum on my homepage for the details on it, 'K?

Really NICE welcome page! we look quite official...

getting dizzy on that spinning banner... it's so fast...

Nice job, oh Enlightened One...

Saint Zax*
Patron Saint of the
True Brownie, Drunken Indulgence, and Naps

Ok, I have a couple more people who will be around at some point to apply. One of them's actually called Angel, which is useful...

ALllllright Tweetie!! Good Job!


Saint Zax*
-enjoying my friday night OH so much!-

Actually, I had some fun with them first. Cos of course, when you say you're a Saint, people tend to look at you like you're insane. So I amended it to cyber-Saint and they got it straight away. Has a kind of ring to it, don't ya think? Cyber-Saint... I like it

yeah! quite catchy...

Saint Zax*


*Making the most of sainthood

I wonder if I might volunteer to be Patron Saint of Visualisation and Virtual Geography? Here are my bona fides:
-3 floats in the upcoming parade, most notably the Aroma Cafe float in which I visualised the appearance of many cafe regulars
-the artwork on the Irving Washington Book Nook
-the new front window for the Aroma Cafe
-the furry metal boy on Mike A's page

I am also planning to create a map of H2G2-By-the-Sea, as I call the congeries of pubs, cafes, clubs and so forth that have sprung up around the beach in the past year. And I have just opened a studio and art gallery.

So I think I could be of use, or at least my work could.

I'll leave the decision in God's hands.