h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Mary had a littl lamb,
She fed it on cream crackers,
Every time it dropped a crumb,
She kicked it in the knackers.

The very first Mary rhyme

Mary had a little sheep
And with that sheep she went to sleep
The sheep turned out to be a ram
Mary had a little lamb

Hate to say it but...

Mary had a little lamb
She also had a bear
I've often seen her little lamb
But I've never seen her bear(bare)

Disgraceful I know but I included it for the sake of completeness! Remember it from the playground.

The great Beachcomber (J.B. Morton) thought up this one:

Mary had a little sprout
Its fleece was green as grass,
She hitched it to a bit of string
The silly little ass.
From week to week, from month to month,
She kept the sprout in tow,
And everywhere that Mary went
The sprout was sure to go.

Just thought I should bring it up while we're on the subject.

Mary had a little lamb,
His feet were black as soot,
And ev'rywhere that Mary went,
He put his sooty foot

That one sounds best read out loud, and now for my personal favourite:

Mary had a little lamb,
And it was always gruntin',
So she tied it to the garden gate
And kicked it's little c*nt in

Oh, that'll get me kicked off H2G2 for ever...

Mary had a little lamb,
The doctor was astounded.
And everywhere that Mary went,
Gynaecologists surrounded.

Mary had a little lamb, and was later arrested for indecently assaulting a farmyard animal.


And along the lines of amusing plays on the word 'had',

The grand old Duke of York,
He had ten-thousand men.
He marched them up to the top of the hill,
And he had them all again.