h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Newcastle used to be a major producer of coal hecne the expression "As stupid as taking coal to Newcastle". It also had a steel and ship building industry because of the presence of these local raw materials. However sadly the recession of the 80's put paid to these once great industries and left Newcastle struggling to find its feet again.

Newcastle isn't 'struggling to get to it's feet again'by any means.
Newcastle is the centre of the universe and if you don't believe that you are not a Geordie. There is a sense of pride and belonging carried by every true Geordie who knows that he is one of God's chosen people! There is a Geordie passport (available at all tourist outlets) and our own special language. And where else on earth could you get a stottie cake? An 8 inch round 1 1/2 inch thick chunk of oven-baked bread - when filled with bacon egg and sausage for breakfast it will carry you anywhere through the day. And who else could brew (or drink) the blue star broon? Strugglin? Howay man get real!

I said left Newcastle struggling, past tense waiting for you Geordies to fill in the details of the rebirth.

Being a Geordie myself, I would say that possibly the most important thing around here, what makes the city tick, are the people: down-to-earth; friendly; never short of a quid to by a pint of lager (yes, that's right you southern jessies, it's a-pound-a-pint in some places up here. And in the others, it's not much more than that.); living, breathing, eating, dressing and drinking football (absolutely fanatical: even I find it quite scary, and I've lived here all my life); and, lets face it, as hard as nails hammered in large numbers through big heavy lumps of wood. They stand out in the pouring rain, 38,000 of them packed into St. James' Park, in the middle of winter, wearing jeans and shortsleeved Magpies jersies. If that isn't either hard or mad, I don't know what is. The stupid thing is that none of us ever get pneumonia.

Added bonus: Newcastle has the largest variety of nightlife outside of London. The Bigg Market is justly renowned for being one of the most sexually licentious areas of Britain that isn't King's Cross. If you want to see that it is in fact possible, if you're female, to wear two paper hankerchiefs and not get arrested for indecent exposure, come to Newcastle

One word of caution though. Do not touch the bar staff. Do not even insult them. Do not even say anything that might slightly annoy them. They have the ear of the bouncers.

A bouncer at a Newcastle nightclub would be able to take on the whole of Han Dold City and win. They have necks the size of birthday cakes. They keep bottles behind the door of the club to bash over the head of anyone rowdy enough or stupid enough to answer back to them. And the shorter they are, the more psychopathic they are. These guys make Mike Tyson look like an innocent little lamb with excessive shyness. DO NOT MESS WITH THEM IF YOU VALUE YOUR LIFE.

One added thing. As a sub editor, I could help correlate this information and coalese it into a nice, neat, compact and honest article for you.

Sorry about the length, but there is in fact more information that I could pass on. I will do, but later.

Necr

I apologise for missing the fact that you had used the past tense in your entry Demon Drawer ACE - not like me at all that! Newcastle is indeed a lively city now. There is a very good web site at www.newcastle.gov.uk for anyone with serious interest in the City - and the bouncers are no problem if you behave yourself.

Ok so let me think. Newcastle. Very cold. That's about it really. Just cold. Oh and it's full of really scary people. Sorry but that's what I think so don't shout at me. One good thing though there are some really cool shops but then anythings cool compared to where I live.

scary people?

No kidding!!!!!!

I tried to go to Newcastle Metro Centre, from Durham, on the train and back again.

Got on the wrong one and went to Darlington by mistake.
Did my Christmas shopping, everything hunky dory.
Waited for ages for the train back to Durham and got:
a) frozen to death,
b)very wet,
c) insulted by some locals,
d)my friend was hit by some locals,
e) mooned at by some locals, (this is the same group of locals
by the way, all the others seemed quite normal),
f) finally got on the train rather pissed off.

( a - e in no particular order)

But it didn't end there.
On arriving back in Durham we couldn't get the door of the train open,
So we ended up back in Darlington.
Managed to catch the very last train of the night back to Durham after about an hour
and only just made it back to University before the bar closed for the night.

Therefore I am forced to conclude that: not only are the locals
very scary but also that; ONE SHOULD NEVER, EVER GO TO
DARLINGTON. EVER. EVEN WITH A TOWEL.

Oh, and the Fast food meal we ate in the Metro Centre was horrid and made of rubber.

I have now been at University in Durham for three years
and I have never even made it into Newcastle proper. That one trip
put me off. Maybe it's a nice place to live, but I wouldn't want to visit......

FABT

So just where do you come from, Sylvesta + Tweets? Anywhere nice? Somewhere southern?

The thing about Newcastle bouncers is that you don't have to misbehave to annoy them. All you have to do is look at them in a funny way.

Necro.

yeah i come from down south but why do you want to know where? you probably wouldn't know where it was anyway. just for the record though, no it isn't a nice place it's boring and i hate it.

Where's it near?

The reason I want to know is that it sounds rather like a description of somewhere that I know rather well...

Necro.

i live in a lickle village called waddington it's near another lickle village called bracebridge heath. the nearest town is probably branston or possibly lincoln. where's this place that you think it sounds like? i think i might just know someone that you know. she'd kill me if i said anything though!!!

Waddington, like as in RAF Waddington?

Just one question for you Sylvesta. Are you male or female? I can guess that you probably go to NK.

I know who Tweets is.

I've never been to Waddington, but Lincoln is pretty nice.

Necr

yes as in raf waddington.

i bet you don't know who tweets is. you think you know who tweets is but i bet you don't. i'm female and yes i go to nk and i'm a very close friend of someone that you know very well. in fact we were talking about you today and i've found out some very interesting things about you. she doesn't actually know that i'm doing this. at least i hope she doesn't coz she'd kill me but yeah and she's got a very nice picture of you two that she carries everywhere with her. ah isn't she sweet?!!!! she loves you lots and i hope you love her lots to coz if you don't there are a lot of people that would gladly take your place and there are a lot of peole that would kill you if you messed her about. including me!!!!!

I guessed you were female. You said 'lickle'.

Unless you are both people, then Tweets is Miss. Hayley Garner. I know this because that is what I call her. You, Sylvesta, are probably either Stu Cawte, Emma, or Hayley herself masquerading as someone else. Yes I know how many people want to take my place, but I am not going to give them the chance to.

Necr

Wow!

What do you mean, 'Wow!'?

Necr

see i told you that you didn't know how tweets was. it's not hayley but i know you call her tweets coz she told me. you were right about something though one of us is called emma but i'm not telling you which one. the other one isn't hayley though she doesn't know about this at all. we think you're well sweet coz we get to hear about you everyday. (aren't we lucky) but yeah we all think you're really sweet. i'm glad that you're not going to let anyone take your place coz if there did then hayley would just annoy us all even more be going on about how much she loves you and how much she misses you. hang on a minute we get that now but yeah it would be ten times worse!!!

The tiresome and trivial ramblings of Twats and Victor Sylvester and 'Necro' (oo-er) are depressing, tedious and vapid. They've nothing to do with the matter in hand, either - unless they prove that morons with brains that have the capacity and consistency of sandstone are all that Newcastle's worth. Which isn't so. As well as the aforementioned crazy nightspots down on the Quayside - complete with electric bouncers - the rest of the city has much to offer buzzing aliens of all life-forms. It still has its city walls, it has a fine castle (naturally), a gracious and noble cathedral, lots and lots of Geordies (the only people in England who know how to really really enjoy themselves), a number of famous bridges across the mighty Tyne, the best-preserved Georgian city centre in England, lots of famous sons and daughters (Flora Robson, St Bede, Dolly Peel, Emily Davison, Sting, The Animals, countless footballers and many cricketers, Ruth in The Archers, George Stephenson (who may have bequeathed us 'Geordie'), William Armstrong, Hadrian (who gave the city its first bridge and its first name), Jimmy Nail, St Cuthbert....).
And it has BBC Radio Newcastle, on which I am the official Local History 'expert', SO I SHOULD BLOODY KNOW!
Do we have to go back to Twats & co?

Dear Sir,

i would be greatly obliged if not only did you not insult myself, my girlfriend and my girlfriend's friends, but if you also shut the f*ck up with the the purile purism. IT'S A FORUM THREAD!!! HAVE A GOOD LOOK AT THE OTHER THREADS AROUND. THEY ARE NOTORIOUS FOR MEANDERING FROM THE POINT. TAKE A F*CKING CHILL PILL.

I am not a moron with a brain that has the consistancy of sandstone, and neither am I vapid. I just happen to live a good 140 miles from my girlfriend and very rarely get a chance to talk to her friends (she keeps me locked up in the house a lot when I'm there).

FEAR ME, FOR I COULD BE EDITING YOUR ENTRIES ONE DAY...

Necr