h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

In a slight exapnsion of the main article on Newcastle, charvers, or trackie-slags/warriors as they are also referred to, are very prevalent in the North-East of England. The attire and dress of these gangs is in the form of tracksuits, and preferable ill-matching tracksuits. For instance, a combination of burgundy bottoms and a gold top is not uncommon, or a white top and blue bottoms. Tracksuits are almost inevitably of the Kappa or Addidas label, which makes the mismatching of coloursw even more woeful as the stripes on the leg/top will be mismatched again. Another part of their uniform is cheap gold jewelry and scrunchies. These are explained later on.

Charvers are a particulat form of street gang who are known to have a heavily hierarchical leadership structure. This leadership structure is mostly amongst the female members of the group, and as a rough guide at identifying those higher up the food chain it is necessary to look at many items:

1. the numbers of scrunchies, both in their hair and on their wrists (scrunchies are elasticated pieces of material that allow females (or males) to keep their hair in a ponytail). Common wisdom dictats that they would only need one or two of these at the most, and that they need not be attention grabbing. Those charvers high up in the echelons of their gang would wear upto five or six of these, and be carrying spares on their wrists.

2. jewelry. This is always of the ultraCheap fake gold type. Sovereign rings, and chains predominate with earrings being a third option. It is not uncommon to see a charver who has green skin about fingers/neck/ears (including infection) due to the oxidising of the cheap jewelry onto their skin.

3. make-up. This is invariably of the over-the-top-orange-face type. The make up is placed on with a wooden spoon that Goliath used for his porridge and it is applied to a predetermined section of the neck so that from both the front and the back of the charver you can see a line where the make up meets their real skin. This is for effect to show that the make up is there.

It is a combination of these three elements that determines the leadership of the charver group.

Activities of the group revolve around three things also: drinking, fornicating and causing trouble. Due to the fact that charver groups can number anything from five or six right upto around thirty, they get into a lot of trouble trying to act "cool". Favourite haunts of charvers are bus stations, parks, shopping areas and beaches. The inevitably drink some cheap form of cider or lager, such as White Lightning or Ace, whilst smoking prefusely. Even though the majoirty of charvers are in their very early teens when they join their group, they do not get out alive, and remain in the group. Therefore charvers generally get involved in vandalism, underage drinking, theft, underage sex, teenage parenting (not necessarily in that order), as it is often that you see a sixteen year old couple with child, and you think to yourself ".!.!.?". In the North East teenage parenting and underage mothers are at an all time high. Due to the lifelong membership of the charver group, who have always existed, just not in such as an apparent form since the tracksuit revolution, the children of experienced charvers end up joining another group and so the cycle begins once more. The more elderly charvers tend to wear similar clothes and jewelry to their younger counterparts with tattoos being introduced alongside the other requirements of their uniform.

How to recognise a charver apart from the fashion element, is a large group of under sixteen year old children, a couple with BMX bikes and some more with skateboards being in a very public place causing very public problems. If you see a group more than once you may notice that some of the couples seem to be different. Some girl is with another boy, but that the boy she was with the previous week is now with some other girl. This is known as intragroup incestous mongamy. Yet always, the group remains together, available for more drinking and shared cigarettes.

This is the era of the charver... do not let this crippling social phenomena spread any further than it has. Thank you.

Thats pretty comprehesive!

Charvers (or Charvs for short) are usually direspected by anyone not within their group and sneered upon.

If you insult or look at a charv the wrong way you wil be asked "do yee wanna fight how?" which is a threat which almost certainly will not be carried out. Do not be alarmed if when passing a group of charvs you get shouted at. In groups when drunk they can be dangerouse but on their own they're harmless.

Charvs are not cool charvs are annoying, charvs are cocky little things, charvs are 98% more likley to die of lung cancer or liver failure than anyone else in Newcastle. Charvs arch enemys are the Goths and hippys who hang out at "the green" or old eldon square as it actually known.

Charvs ARE found in other parts of the country though not in the astounding number found in Newcastle. Throughout the rest of Britain they are know as "townies" and in scotland they are "neds"




CK

Steven:

You havnt posted in over a year and i like your entry and think it should be a good one in the edited guide (the one about charvs) If you do not reply to this post within a month we will assume you have "left the building" and i will copy and paste it into a new entry on my space and work on it making it better and ready for inclusion in the edited guide. You will of course be credited.


CK

Charva words:

Dicki
Fight-like
Hook

Also a real Charva insult:
You Spoon

We have something similar on the Kent/Sussex border where I live. Here they are called Chavvies. This can't be a coincidence can it?

If in doubt ask for a fag, if they say F** ***. They pass the Charva test!!!

Missed off the distinctive gravity defying coke can fringe of the lasses (Kappa slappers) produced with the aforementioned coke can and enough hair spray to completely destroy the ozone layer. They often wear big fake gold earrings.

The average kappa slapper will have one bairn for each year after pubety. Any less and the lass will be branded as 'tight'.

Charva lads usually have a Burberry cap on.

Here's a link for the Newcastle stuff website, they have something to say about the disgrace of human acomplishment:

http://www.newcastlestuff.com/