h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

er...ok. *reads through backlog*

Don't think I can do late nights....

That's OK; these things tend to become a bit asynchronous anyway.

oh ok. Sounds good with me then!

So how are the little ones?

I don't know; I left them rampaging over at No no no!!, drooling over everything in their path.

They're gonna wreck the place!

Yup.

Wait...aren't you a thingite? Shouldn't you go and sort out that mess with your kids? Ya know..for the sake of the thingite cause and all...

I'll let you into a secret; they're not really kids, they're actors I hired from "Central Minions". When the market for "Mini Me" clones collapsed I was able to hire a job lot really cheaply. Their job is to drool a lot and make the thread slippery and unpleasant for Bunnyfrog.

aw.

The mere thought is scary! Oh and don't be mean and 'orrible to Bunnyfrog. I'm growing quite fond of him. Behave and don't threaten to kill him!

*stands in doorway, peeks in*

So, is there room in this adventure for a pyrophobic not-very-strong person with a great source for supplies?

Absolutely!

*Waves Amy in*

Okay, recruits, we've got a suitable party. Now, for those of you who haven't read the backlog, we're going to be on an expedition to the Scottish Highlands to see if we can't track down a tribe of the most elusive of all Sasquatch races, the Scottish Yeti. Rarely ever seen, they live under the protection of an entity known as "Fear Liath More", or more commonly "The Grey Man."

For all my research attempts, I've not yet been able to deduce the true nature of Fear Liath More, as the tribe members themselves don't seem to know much about him. It's possible that he's just a vigilante-leader position who manages to keep humans from finding their tribe, a position that would secretly elect new members over the decades. It's also possible that The Grey Man is the ghost of an old Yeti Shaman, still hovering over their mountain.

My personal goal for this expedition is to steal The Grey Man's staff and put it over my mantle. Any other treasures we can gain without actually doing much harm to the locals are icing on the cake, not to mention the amount of anthropological/cryptozoological information that could be gained from this encounter.

Now, momentarily, the Crater Jet will be fueled up for-

*At this moment, Ampton walks into the room tugs Affy's shirt, and whispers a few things*

Why not? I wanted a Jet. I wanted a Jet that we could overlay onto an image of an old map of the world from the 1930's showing our progress from The Crater to the Highlands!

*Ampton shrugs*

Okay, fine. Everyone, Ampton's informed me that the Jet won't be ready for our departure, so we'll have to use an instantaneous teleportation device to get there instead. If we're lucky, the Jet'll be ready for the return trip. Ampton clearly forgets that they never do the Map Overlay thing for return trips on these adventures, and it won't be as much fun then. But maybe, if we're lucky, we can get the Jet for the end.

*Ampton moves a large oriental rug from the floor, revealing a rift in space where one might expect a trap door to sit. Affy dives headfirst into the rift to F28202?thread=3316978 presumably followed by the rest of the adventuring party*

*A few days later (way back in August of '06) Ampton feels the return beacon. He taps a few buttons on the side of the fireplace, which converts into a small portal through which Affy steps*

You know, it occurs to me that very little of the thread actually took place at or near the base of Cairn Gorm...

*steps through portal, dragging satchel*

I'm confused--if the Gray Man has his original staff, and the replica I made is still in the cavern, what do you have to hang over the fireplace?

* There is a loud and insistent knock at the door *

Suddenly, and without warning, nothing happens.

*Waits for everyone to come through the portal and for the portal to the Gray Man to close before opening the door, while he points to a staff already over the fireplace*

You mean *that* authentic staff up there, Amy?

It's simple, actually. I didn't want to risk permanently parting the Gray Man with his staff for two reasons. First, even if we could make a duplicate accurate in every discernable way, there might be some fairly important differences not apparent to us. Such mistakes tend to be overlooked until they're most important, at which point Universes get destroyed.

Secondly, there's the matter of the Yeti's belief in the Gray Man affecting him. That belief might theoretically make it impossible to permanently part the Gray Man from his staff in any traditional way, and I didn't want to risk that.

Rather than risk losing the staff on technicalities like that, I made a few important phone calls to CLI under the premise of making toys in what I knew would be a failed gesture. At the same time I unleashed a swarm of microscopic nanites that had been hiding in my pocket, controlling them through my watch and, at times when the watch wouldn't have quite worked, coughing and clearing my throat to signal activities that I'd requested in advance.

The nanites surrounded the Gray Man's staff, and analyzed it in nearly every way. Radiation emitted, the number of atoms composing it, what types of magic were used in its construction and powering, things like that. The toymaker bots at CLI then worked to create a duplicate as close to the real thing as possible, very similar to what you were attempting Amy.

Once the fake staff was made, it was covered with the same number of nanites, just to make it as identical as possible. The nanites on each staff were then able to act as a net or grid that CLI satellites could lock on to, permitting them to teleport the two staffs atom by atom, simultaneously. The teleportation grid would act so subtley that someone could actually be holding the staff in their hands and not notice.

As such, whenever the Gray Man uses his fake staff, he'll trigger magic in the same way that he would with the original. That trigger will prompt the teleportation, allowing the real staff to go to the Gray Man before he can even reach a point in the incantations where a fake staff might be problematic.

As such, we haven't truly stolen his staff, so much as we've borrowed it permanently, while choosing to lend it back to him as often as he needs it.

After he finishes using it, the teleportation will activate again, leaving him with a fake staff again, and me with a real one here in my Trophy Room.

* Peet stands in the doorway. He is dripping wet, covered in seaweed and clutching a pot of gold. *

I took the long way round. Don't ask. Is this of any use?

* A small fish flops and flollops on top of the gold *

Oh, and the gold could come in handy, too. AAAAAH-CHOOO!

* Peet crosses over to the fireplace and steams gently. *

What? WHAT? Look, my time machine sank, OK? Just leave it at that.

*considers this very carefully*

... no ... Affy doesn't qualify as a "Magnificent Bastard." Convoluted plans are all well and good, but you lack the appropriate attitude towards implementing them, and come off a bit more as a "Mr. Exposition" with wacky schemes. Or a reverse-supervillain, who explains in detail not-quite-so-evil plans *after* he's implemented them.

My way's simpler, but yours is more fun to read

Well Yar, if you go far, far, far back enough in the backlog around here, you'll actually learn that Affy *was* a supervillain once upon a time. Some habits are tough to kick.


Peet, I'm sure you had an amazing little adventure. You'll have to captivate us all with the tale worth telling at some point.

Thanks for helping, everyone! I no longer have a barren fireplace.