h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Welcome.

Please place your hand on the indicated sampler. I'm not in right now, somewhere else on this ship. If the scanner sez it can't simply be treated by a few pills and a new lifestyle, please call me over.

Good evening.

Does it hurt anywhere? Do you need anything? I can tell just by your color you're suffering from the usual excessess... I'd bet biopsies of your lungs and liver would just melt.

I'm about to go my rounds aboard the vessel... There's a patient in the recuperative chamber to the left, she's stable and will be out of it in a couple of hours. Please don't tap the glass. She still has five hours of total sensory masking.

You're startled with some of my equipment. Well, that's okay. These are the latest developments in the broad field of healing, and you can't be expected to keep abreast. (Like they report it on mtv.)

I still do most major surgery and examinations by hand. I can fix most ailments with what's on my back, anyway.

If I haven't been seen around for a while check the CT scanner or the MRI... I'll probably be resting my eyes there.
I suppose

*Barges through the door, firing shots from his Viper 145 down the corridor. The Railgun is glowing with heat from usage, the smell of depleted Uranium and sulphur.*
*Panting* Medic! Medical Emergency incoming! Can you treat non-humans?

Bring 'em in. Powering up console and uploading non-human medical database... Initiating biosampling, auranic scan, please prep the clean room for immediate emergency surgery.

*Three figures stagger in. One is Skaven (6ft rat) with a Kill-O-Zap wound. The second is human and is missing an eye. The Third is a human female covered in bionics, but seems oblivious to her injuries. There is a gaping hole in her chest. Internal organs and bionics are showing through*
Can you take care of them?

*in wanders a man with a huge hole in his arm*

here you go, no need to make a new hole, just stick the needle in here

I think the doc's busy trying to cure my injured men...

the seems to be out right now, but don't panic - PLEASE!!! DON'T PANIC!!! FOR GOD'S AKE DON'T PANIC!!!!

take two PGGB's and call in again tomorrow if they haven't done the trick

I know a little practical anatomy (I usually have to scrape it off the walls...) so I'll see what I can do...

um... Galen... why do you have a big hole in your arm?

i got blood drawn

What drew blood?

?

I think you mean , Cap.

no, i had to have tests done

Ah... so, what do you want done again?

never mind

Okay then...

Sorry, sorry, I'm late. Was off collecting biological samples over in the lower levels. Please, everybody sit down while I establish some triage.

Okay, you first. Please come this way.



Be right there. And please, don't monkey with the instruments!



Hmm... Okay, large-caliber projectile weapon, possibly subsonic... the slug ripped through several layers of fat and muscle, displacing them and ruining the connective tissue. It ricocheted off bone and went right out the way it came, tearing it even bigger in the process. You with me? Please don't faint.



Let me inject this into you. Okay. Those are class 2AF nanites, microscopic robotoids in inert organic suspension. When your bloodstream breaks it down and releases them they will begin replicating human cells, which they are designed to do.

This active biolectric recorder takes multiple snapshots of your auranic signature and composes it into a three-dimensional model. Auranic energies are the aggregate physiopsionic fields all living beings generate. In complex organisms like you and I they can show things like moods, personality, illnesses, and what-have you.



With it, cells display a 'holographic memory', that is, a single piece of tissue can reproduce the entire structure of the original animal.



That cuff monitors your auranic matrix and rebroadcasts it as hypermagnetic funnel-force fields the nanites can align to. It will direct them to reproduce specialized tissue for the specific body part. It also protects your wound while keeping the limb mobile. Now, get off the table.



Refrain from punching with that arm, keep out of gunfights, and stay away from alcohol till the cuff disintegrates. Alcohol destroys testosterone.



First day with your hook? Don't worry, we can replace both fine, though for the moment that eye is the problem.



Hokay, now that we've got the bleeding down... Still hurt? I can bring you back to 100%, but there are some forms you'll need to sign. You'll have to choose as to whether I replace that with a perfect clones organ, which will take about a day to clone, or a cybernetic replica, which will take a week to order by air but comes with features I can't normally pack into living tissue. Telephoto? Infrared? Free-frame-instant replay? Black, brown, teal? You'll have to sign all that plus the waiver. Come back when you're done.

You, cyberbabe.

What have you done to yourself? Okay, I understand that firefights happen often on this ship. At least you're still alive. Er.. can you turn your good face toward me? The one without so much titanium. Chee! I'm a doctor, not a foundryman.

Just kidding. I can fix everything.

Starting up, it appears you've been shot several times. With bullets. This is my week for antique weapons. Flechette rounds, nasty antipersonnel, apparently deflected off all your metalwork and bounced around in your chest cavity. Ma-jor organ damage. Take me four days to get you like new.



Okay, strip down to spandex and get in this gel suspension bath. That's it, headfirst. First, this air mask. Now, this warrants a major overhaul so I need to use as sterile and biological-friendly an environment as possible. Feels like a womb. The gas mix you're breathing should put your body to sleep.. I'll leave you in the regen pod awhile beore I begin reconstructing.

Okay...



I can't help but feel I'm forgetting something...



Oh. Well, eat some bugs or whatever. Ras can heal from anything.