h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Wha?

Memo:
This is the ship's doctor once again informing all personnel that the sick and injured are not the only ones who may improve from a visit to Sickbay. Physiological augmentations are now available.

Below is a list of procedures that can be performed to help better meet particular situations or increase your overall wellbeing.
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Titanide Skeletal Lacing (Passive Defense)
A standard upgrade for HMI (Horizon Man Industries) military and aerospace personnel, it broadens the scope of physical stresses field units can be put through.

Developed for astronauts on long interplanetary missions before the introduction of antigee, where living bone tended to weaken and dissolve in microgravity as a natural atrophying process, the ship's crews were soon unable to cope with the trauma of landfall. Many valiant or just plain stupid men and women were lost before this was overcome.

Completely abandoning the crude, clumsy, and scarring procedure of opening up the body and weaving spun glass into bone, HMI went for more tissue-friendly means.

Genetically modifying bone marrow cells to recognize and incorporate loose titanium molecules, the process naturally builds up the titanium content of your bone over a period of time. Framework strength is tremendously heightened while retaining natural organic properties, still growing, still healing, and producing white blood cells.

Simply ingest the pill containing the modification patch nanite and regularly mix titanium-solute in orange juice.
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Subdermal Armoring (Passive Defense)
An offshoot of titanium-lacing, Subdermal Armor is another successful augment from HMI's MilitarTec labs. It increases personal resistance to any mechanical trauma. It makes infantry weapons developed before this era essentially useless; all such projectiles are halted by layer upon layer of living kevlar.

Basically it modifies muscle tissue cells, enabling it to synthesize certain polymers and incorporate it in their cell walls and connections. Similar to kevlar, only lighter and biodegradable, it is comparable to the protection level of Class-3 Bomb Squad Armor, without any heat or movement restrictions.
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Healing Factor (Passive Defense)
Nanites, molecule-scaled robots, can replicate and repair damaged cells of any particular DNA code, healing once-terminal injuries at warp speed. However, their low portability for self-contained power constricted their use as one-shot first aid packs.

The Cirlian Energy Cuff, however, channels 20% of the person's Chi and converts it into subsonic energy, which is broadcast into the body as a power source. By drawing off a person's spiritual reserves, healing is effectively unlimited.
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Strength Up (Active Offense)
Stimpacks are organ addons/implants, upgrading adrenal and other panic glands to 400% capacity. People thus enhanced, when faced with a fight and flee situation, suddenly find themselves twenty, thirty times stronger and unreceptive to pain.

It has been proven that soldiers with this modification survive three hundred times as long in the modern battlefield on average. In real time, that's about six hours.

Thus improved, HMI's ground military corps have begun to win victories previously unimaginable, and there is a growing demand for this procedure among the civilian population. On when, if ever, this technology will be distributed to the free public, the Directorate is, "No comment."

Please be advised that over long periods this modification can waste away its host body if improperly used. It is recommended to couple this with the regenerative upgrade and to develop great mental training to properly control the rush of chemical power.
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Pseudotissue (Organic Resource)
Simply, vat-grown tissue with basic animal cell configuration, but not tuned to any particular genetic code, for replacing and supplementing preexisting bodies. It can be shaped into connective or protective tissue, or stimulated to perform specialized organ functions. It is the base material for neopatch bandages and cold skin cream, and about 99% of the standard replacement parts.

Being rather neutral codewise, it provokes no immune response, and can simply wither away or be usurped by regular cells over time.

Whether scooped out of jars or out of molds, for hurried emergency surgery or intentional supplement, Pseudotissue is the jack-of-all trades in any modern biomedical facility.
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Life Science Works (Specialized Facility)

Hereditary molecule chains have always been a hot topic in my peer group; the possibilities for variations and their applications are quite limitless.

Going beyond mere limb and organ replacement, the Life Science Facility allows for full-body clones, serving as spare parts or as additions to the crew. We can resurrect casualties with only a few fragments of brain tissue and bone, complete with their original minds and memories (Via Quantum Imprint Holomemory Recovery). We can grow and dissect newly discovered alien species or cobble together entire new life forms for specific uses.

We can also alter any person's body. We can turn a dolphin into a dog, a fish into an eagle. Hybridization offers increased capabilities plus a lasting way to that distinctive look.
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Foundry Works (Specialized Facility)
Your byword for robotic implantation. This encompasses all such operations, from the simple to the full-body jobs, the functional to the aesthetic, the blunt and truthful to ersatz and deceptive.

Passive
Are those implants that improve the senses. Ones that enhance or totally take over the visual and auditory senses, smelling and taste. Full options in this area, such as adding infrared filtering, or a full communications system, and streaming audio imaging (sonar).

Active
Are complete limb and organ replacements, increasing one's strength and longevity. Hidden weapons systems are also an option.

These devices can be made to either harmonize with preexisting living tissue or scrap it completely in favor of an entire new synthetic body. The decision is then made whether to keep the original brain or scrap it for a new nonbiodegradable one.

In a process involving the MRI scanner and an isotope injection, the scanning power is amplified and all of the synaptic pathways are revealed and burnt into a new positronic matrix. This destroys the original neural networking. Subjects feel themselves die as human beings and are then reborn as perfect immortal versions of themselves.

Cloned skin, fatty, and nerve tissue can be cultivated over all of these appliances, maintaining the look and feel of the old parts, or are simply left bare, leaving it clear to everyone where you stand on the Artificial Intelligence Issue.
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Universal Port (New Advancement)
The link to all computer and communications system in the palm of your hand... Well, more like the back of your neck. The Universal Port is the masterpiece of human wetwork interfacing.

No more unsightly ports sticking out of the skin; no more tissue rejection; no more brain damage, and for godsakes, no more incompatibilities!

The Port bypasses all these, condensing the entire cybernetics package into a unit the size of a dime; it need not be wired directly to the brain to work: a bulb of nervous tissue is grown and grafted onto the spinal cord specially for this purpose. It hardly needs to be visible, as it interfaces with outside equipment by minute electrical impulse. Direct skin contact with any piece of hardware is sufficient.

Standard modification for all Pilots and Combot Suit Drivers.
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Paeksis Supplement (Experimental Upgrade)
Paeksis crystal, present where mysterious elements 117 an 236 are, is not so much a substance as it is a symbiotic life form.

Normally inert as violet crystals, Paeksis can be used to power an extremely potent, if unstable, reactor system. Its interaction with human physiopsionics are a new and exciting field.

People have been known to 'bond' with Paeksis, a process that insinuates Paeksis crystals all throughout their central nervous systems. Thus altered, they have been capable of altering their physical forms, growing projections out of their body, and channeling the energy reaction.

While Paeksis armor, combat protrusions, and energy blasts sound attractive, implantation has only a .98 percent chance of acceptance. Those not included in the .98t face an unattractive death by Paeksis parasitism, which consumes and replaces all organics and leaves the victim looking like a biblical pillar of salt.
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I don't mean to question your medical skills, but I think my stuff is safer.

~ring ring Hello, Doctor, You have to cure Alec Trian of his Dyslexia, he keeps mangling my name--shagbark.

Shagbark? *Suppresses a giggle* what's he mangle it too?

he has called me bag, he has called me shak, and latest checkout crowsnest #803 grabkash or crowsnest #806 bragshak

Gee, that's just terrible Krabgahs- I mean Shagbark. I hope he'll stop soon.

so are you saying there is nothing medical science can do about it?

*Taps the weapon slung over his back*
Perhaps 2" of Depleted Uranium fired from a Railgun would solve your problem.

Is that your gold plated railgun or the original. I can't seem to see it very clearly here.

There's only two, my old battered, orange one that I gave to Lizzy, and this one, which is the same but newer.

There's only two, my old battered, orange one that I gave to Lizzy, and this one, which is the same but newer. The Bronze, Silver and Gold ones are just for decoration and don't actually fire.

well, I've got to leave now. (don't most trees do it in the spring)
Shagbark disappears.

send that Alec in. like riding a bike, you never forget electroshock therapy.

... hmmm... i thought i'd be flooded with appointments for the latest enhancements. didn't i mention i also did body art?

*alec is brought in , happily tranquilised and sporting an
off the shoulder straitjacket.*

*the door closes and alec sits next to the rat...they are old friends*

'hey reepicheep, i think we'd better leave before Dr.Mengele here
has another Barbie party.

'Creative resocialisation ??? (alec lets one rip)
'hey medic!!! re-socialise that!'

*reepicheep helps alec out of his jacket. alec slides open a
diamond-plate hatch in the floor and both make good their escape.*

alec.

It must be Monday...

way to go, alec!

long bathroom break? naw, just a lot of chop. couldn't get online all holy week. lousy phone lines.

well, i'm back, and ready for some action

Hey Recrash. Welcome back!