h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I was not disrespectful to the French. These frogs were real frogs, and could have been in any country...

the day the french pay respect to the frogs
we will in return pay them
some aknowledgement and then fill their mugs
with red wine to avoid the next mayhem

The bullfrog danced with his mother-in-law,
And the tune that he danced to was "Turkey in the straw."

the perfect weight of a mother-in-law
is a pound and a half an an ounce
that includes the urn what i lately saw
that is what i hereby pronounce

Brilliant

A very sad man one morning I saw,
Who'd been married twenty-five times,
And every one of his mothers in law
Daily gave him a piece of her mind.

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My ma-in-law I couldn't stand,
And so with stealth and care I planned,
To get the hell away from her,
And thus I moved to Africa.

But when you got Africa,
You met someone *else's* mother in law.

The advantage of a mother-in-law
From the depths of rural Maroc,
Is that she cannot read or write,
Has no teeth, so cannot bite,
Speaks quite incomprehensibly,
In a language unbeknownst to me,
Regards me as 'a thing unknown',
And leaves me very much alone.

The key to a life that's happy and true
Is a mother-in-law who's older than you.

Younger ma-in-laws, older nieces,
Life here goes completely to pieces,
Within one year four babes arrived,
To different mothers in the tribe,
And to my complete consternation,
Each is a different generation!

my problems began when my dad
went out and married the kid
of this beautiful dame what i met
who thought i might be a nice pet

when my fathers new wife became pregnant
i didn't know what to believe
would the child be my sibling or grandchild?
at this point i started to grieve

after countless night upon night
i finally figured this count:
if it went on like this i just might
end up as my own great-great-aunt

My hold on logic began to totter,
When dad went and married his great-granddaughter.

Fuzzy Wuzzy Wuz A Bear,
But Fuzzy Wuzzy Had no hair
So Fuzzy Wuzzy Wuzzn't fuzzy - Wuzzy?

I might!and then again might not!
is the water cold or hot ?
I've no fear of water! except I hope
no one has added a bar of soap

There are people who will drink
*anything*. No time to think.
That explains, then, why there are
People standing at the soap bar.

every actor and actres
who star in soap operas
my senses all they stress
put them behind some bars!

If the soap in those operas,
can be kind to our ears.

By leaving the telly off,
we have nothing to fear.

Pulchritudinous ingenues,
Beefcake Lochinvars,
Aim to titillate, not amuse,
Hoping for applause...

I talk like a pirate today.
It's all work and (sadly) no play.
I make men walk the plank,
Or sit in dungeons dank.
If they're *bad*, they go see Dick Cheney.