h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Dills

I wandered lonely as a cloud,
that floats on high,
Ore vale and hill,
When all at once,
I spied a crowd'
A croud of older down-filled dills.

by William Oddwords

A plastic cat chased a plastic mouse
Through plastic rooms in a plastic house.
"I'll buy them all," the buyer said,
"And pay with plastic," he laughed.

(The last word is to be in two syllables, with the stress on the second.)

If you have to explain your poems, they can't be very good.

don't think I've put this in before - but if I have - apologies!


I went to the pictures tomorrow
I took a front seat at the back
I fell from the pit to the gallery
And hurt a foot bone in my back
I went round a straight corner
and saw a dead donkey dying
so I took out my gun and stabbed it
a bark dogged at me
so I necked its kick in
I went to the staleway raition
And home I didn’t go went me

A smile makes me happy
it warms like the sun

A smile looks so funny
its like my mums bum

so if your not feeling happy
come around for your tea

im sure you will smile
if you can see what i see

The art of the really bad poet,
Is posting things twice and not knowing it.

redundantly repeated repetitions
may someday put the end to rhyme
and summon here some kind of inquisition
who cannot part the thistle from the thyme

FOR PEOPLE WHO DON'T BELONG TO, OR LOOK AT, H2G2
(You're going to miss a truly great poem guys)

by David Norrington Adamson


People who don't waste time
Will never understand
That time weighs heavy on your hands
So it's better to stand upside down and hold it with your feet.

Why waste your time
creating a rhyme
when all you need
is a couple of feet.

Confusella from Frankfurt

A lot of bad poems are written by the average amateur,
Usually in iambic penthouse-tameter.
They use flowery language so cloying even the bees don't want it.
They use big words they don't understand, and then flaunt it.

rambunctious radishes ravished my ram
and then set out to sail on a pram
i payed no attention but jump on a tram
and returned to you all, hello, here i am

we have a quandary we cannot associate bad and poetry together, they oppose each other.

although it is a clever way of letting either side fight it out

what we want is poetic justice
and a sandwich with bacon and a bottle of pastis
we dont want no fighting
nor thunder nor lightning
we just want some lyrics what's baaaaad

"Tickle me on the nose," said Plato.
"Make me recite the life's works of Cato.
Turn me into a radish or tomato.
Just don't make me be nice to my mother-in-law ."

the guru sat beneath a tree
reciting old verses of wisdom with glee:
"you may want to wake up and smell the odd
it's by far to prefer to a punch in the nose"

Should pygmies live in very tall trees,
why do elephants have very large knees.
Are bees as busy as they make us believe,
did Adam once state he "really rates eve".

Do ants fear heights, as this ever been seen,
how old do you have to be,to be a very good queen.
Can fat pigs state , "their bacon is lean",
why is Santa, not grumpy and mean.

Do slugs in gardens deliberately go slow,
can hedgehogs race cars but nobody knows.
When birds fly south, with whom do they go
do I ask too many questions, I really think so.

At the end of a steep, rutted road,
There's a falling-down, flimsy abode.
Behind it, an even worse barn.
Behind that, a reed-choked old tarn.

By the banks of the tarn there's a frog,
Who teaches the young on a log.
The tadpoles have genius I.Q.'s.
They're consultants to big firms and zoos.

They share all their wisdom on blogs,
But nobody knows that they're frogs.

at the end of the day
the frogs took over the world
i have to say
i'd rather have my flat hair curled

The frogs bought Merrill Lynch for a song.
They'll own Bank of America before long.

Please be respectful to the French
To call them frogs is not so
How would you feel
If they called Americans fatsos?


Esmeralda Fox, PC Consultant to Throgmore Council

ps. This is my first poem!