h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Some friars were behind on their belfrey payments so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone likes to buy their flowers from men of God, a florist across town thought this was unfair competition. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they refused. So the rival florist hired Hugh McTaggart the roughest villain in town to 'persuade' the friars to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their shop and threatened to return if they dared to re-open.
This story only goes to show that 'Only Hugh can prevent florist friars'.

I heard a similar story about Walter.

Once the friars got going again he opened yet another flower shop and put them out of business:

Only Walter can put out forest friars

A bit of a damp squib there Jabs!

Hope everything's well with you.

Everything was all right with me until I read your post!

Hope you're OK yourself lapis,

Jab

A man walks into a door.

I say I say I say, did you hear about the magic tractor?
It turned into a farmyard!

Just like the car that turned into the main road!

This is from an old Mad Magazine spoof of Star Trek which they called 'Star Bletch':

"Captain, we're running into an asteroid shower!"
The captain replied,
"Tell everybody to put their raincoats on!"

One I was told today: how do nits cope with the cold weather?

They put on nitwear.

Heard about the myopic US Marines?

Raided Debenhams after they saw a sign saying Bed Linen was on the third floor.


I fang yew

Jab

That was absolutely terr(orist)ible.


Did you hear about the maths teacher who was arrested at the airport trying to board a flight while carrying a geometry set?

He was charged with trying to export weapons of maths instruction.

Whats yellow and smells of banana?















Monkey vomit

Or - a banana?

Oh the possibilities

There's one country in the West where obesity is definitely not a problem.






















Finland

Another European country has a surfeit of toilets:

































































































Poland

And they're always in a hurry to get to and from work in















Russia

Jabs, your jokes always make me smirk.

Snails, try this one then:

A man in his 40's bought a brand new BMW and was out on the M11 for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 ... then the reality of the situation hit him.

"What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his licence without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go," he says.

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

That one actually made me laugh out loud.