h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

During a recent meeting a Frenchman, an American (from New Jersey, if you care) and a few others (including me) got on to the subject of driving styles round the world. Common consensus was that Parisian drivers are the worst anywhere, including Italy. My husband told me that new French cars are given 'chalked-up' number plates until the official ones are issued. The number of cars in Paris with such number plates plus one or more dents has to be seen to be believed. They can't even keep the cars dent-free for a few weeks!

From personal experience there are 2 things to beware of with French drivers:

1. If you decide to use a zebra-crossing to get from one side of the road to the other, French drivers will not stop unless you are actually on the crossing, and sometimes not even then. They will not stop and let you cross if you are waiting at the side of the road, unlike drivers in Britain.

2. They won't start to brake until they are about 3 feet from a junction. My driving instructor once told me that French-built cars, particularly Peugeots, have excellent brakes. I wonder which came first, good brakes or the driving style that requires them.

We drive on the right side of the road, and that's already a good point....

If you want to have a good time, it is actually possible to rent a motorbike in Paris (but for those above 125cm3 one must have a motorbike license).

You have to follow the same advice as the cars, and you would better avoid a few specific traps.

#1. Everywhere in Paris you will see motorbikes parked on the pavement. Even if this is not legal, it is not a problem as long as you do not disturb the other pavement users (pedestrians, dogs, and especially policemen ...) too much. It is the safest place to park your motorbike, nearly every time I parked mine on a regular place it fell down, thanks to car drivers. There are a few traps, however : for example it is a very bad idea to leave a bike for more than a few seconds on Les Champs Elysees.

#2. Painted marks, manhole covers, spilled oil/gazole, the 3 being sometimes cumulative. Trying to stop on gazole over a painted mark over a worn manhole cover when it rains is like trying to stop on ice. Or even worse.

#3. Traffic lights. When they are red, it is good local practice to go up to the stop line between cars. Beware of the other bikers (or worse, dispatch riders on their scooters) behind you that are likely to do the same, but faster than you. When they turn green, watch for cars crossing the red light on the other way. When they turn red, begin to brake gently but watch your mirrors at the same time and be prepared to accelerate, just in case. If it is safe to stop, avoid trap #2.

#4. Distance. Cars can brake better than you (at least on the #2 situation), so don't be too close. Don't be too far either, unless you like surprises from pedestrians or cars coming out of parkings/small streets.

#5. Les Quais. Most fun near 8am. There are two lanes, and you enter on the left one from the left, so you don't have priority. Speed there is between 60 km/h and 90 km/h, and distance between vehicles vary from 2m to 50m (but a 50m slot is rare at 8am). There is at least one entrance that is no longer than 30m. Timing is important here : if you miss a slot people behind you will get really angry (especially if you are a biker), and if you enter too slowly the following car driver may not be awaken enough to brake.

#6. Le Peripherique. Fun 24/24. This is a unique feature "typiquement Parisien", you MUST try it on a motorcycle once in your life to say to your grandchildren "I did it and I am still alive". Survival advice : NEVER ride on the right lane, unless you are just in or are near 100m close of your exit. ALWAYS ride BETWEEN the 2 left lanes (but avoid the paint - try slalom, it draws attention on you and wears your tires more nicely). Leave the passage to other bikers if they are faster. For your safety, you should be as fast than the cars on the left lane (but NOT behind them, and not slower). Avoid slalom between cars, some driver do not watch for bikers nor warn before changing lanes, if you do it quickly and far from the side of the cars. Never do it when the middle lane is the only free one (and do NOT stay on the middle lane, the left one is more secure). It is safer to quickly go ahead through the gap between 2 cars (between left/middle lane, NEVER any other one. Car drivers _assume_ that no biker would do so outside the 2 left lanes). About distance : it is impossible to keep a safety distance between you and the car ahead, and even more impossible to make the car behind you respect its distance. Again, the best place to be is BETWEEN lanes.

#7. Autoroutes Urbaines (Urban Highways). Close to Paris, adopt the same behaviour as on the Peripherique. Further, revert to conservative/paranoid habits.

#7bis. Spilled gazole again. Roundabouts and highway exits are the most common traps, especially if a gas station is close, or if a lot of trucks go there. This is a very common cause of accident here.

#8. La Place de l'Etoile (aka Charles de Gaulle, aka Arc de Triomphe). Never had any problem there, no kidding. Very safe actually.

As far as I know, there is only about 1 motorcyclist death/day in Paris and suburbs, so it is not so dangerous.

By the way, Parisian drivers are better than the average french driver (the most deadly roads are in the southwest of France).

You're right, of course, the French won't stop for you on a zebra crossing. Or indeed for you in any other siutuation; the car seems to epitomise the self-obsessed French mentality. Remember, these are the people that dance with themselves in the mirrors of nightclubs (I live here and have seen it many times, before people start grumbling). I have recently discovered that the unique interpretation of roundabout etiquette in Paris is not just unique to the French, but unique to the North of France too. Which makes for an awfully confused situation when you drive from one end of the country to another, as I did last weekend. I would still like to apologise to the driver of the Golf that I nearly wrote off, thinking that I could gaily amble out onto a roundabout and that oncoming traffic would stop. Silly me for not appreciating the regionalisation of traffic laws.

You're right, of course, the French won't stop for you on a zebra crossing. Or indeed for you in any other siutuation; the car seems to epitomise the self-obsessed French mentality. Remember, these are the people that dance with themselves in the mirrors of nightclubs (I live here and have seen it many times, before people start grumbling). I have recently discovered that the unique interpretation of roundabout etiquette in Paris is not just unique to the French, but unique to the North of France too. Which makes for an awfully confused situation when you drive from one end of the country to another, as I did last weekend. I would still like to apologise to the driver of the Golf that I nearly wrote off, thinking that I could gaily amble out onto a roundabout and that oncoming traffic would stop. Silly me for not appreciating the regionalisation of traffic laws.

What I don't understand is why there are soooo many cars in Paris.
Surely anyone with any sense would think... "Well, I'll park in a suburb today and get the train in to avoid all the stress and the chance of beng killed". It is this researchers opinion that perhaps Parisians long ago came to this conclusion, but a French firm somewhere has hired a bunch of Indie-car drivers to race constantly around the streets in Citroens to keep up the ambience.