h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

It could (and is about to) be argued that silly string is part of the long running Roswell/aliens invading saga. The purpose of the silly sting is to make the populus used to being covered in stange, seemingly pointless rubbery string-like stuff. When the aliens land, they will subtly attach mind probes to everyone, in the form of a silly string-esqe symbiotic lifeform, starting with the least intelligent (to perfect their mind bending techniques), ie the people who spray silly string at parties, and indeed go to those sort of parties. (As you can probably tell, I am a bitter physicist who doesn't get invited to _that_ kind of party). Then they will gradually work their way up the intelligence scale, passing insurance execs and salesmen pretty early on, until everyone has been infected. Then they can make the entire worls into a kind of puppet show and make us do stupid things, like buy cheap evil vodka, instead of the decent stuff which costs about 50p more. So if you ever see anyone walking around with some funny coloured rubbery string-like substance on their hair/body, then go to Mars with all haste.

To conclude: silly string should be removed from society, and not just the polite bit, for its only purpose...is our destruction.

Scary.. not only that that could be true but also that you spent time thinking of that.... :o)

shouldn't people who think digital watches are a pretty neat idea fit into here somewere?

digi watches will appear in part 2: How the internet is sentient and wants a bagel.

If the internet wanted a bagel, what kind of cream cheese would it want? Or would it want butter? Or Jam? Does it want that toasted? For here or to go? Can you tell I worked at a coffee house over the summer?
EXTREMELY BAD PUN ALERT! DO NOT READ FURTHER! YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!
I always thought the internet wanted a cookie...

That was really, really bad, Irving.

Hey... you were warned.

Going back to the subject of aliens sticking mind probes on people: Surely even stupid people would notice this big sticky string thing being applied to their selves by people who are obviosly not human?

Ahhh...so an uninitiated earthling might presume. The Aliens are _much_ too subtle to just walk up to you and attach this lifeform (that shall now be referred to as Boris the IDE controller, or Albert for short). This is what they do:

When the host is setting up the party, the aliens set up camp just by the front door. As I'm sure you are aware, at this point in the evening the host/ess is generally stressed, especially as it is now 3 minutes to alleged arrival time. The host/ess targeted natur0ally assumes that people will want to spray silly string at each other, so has provided the requisite number of containers. The aliens, meanwhile, are sending high frequency sound waves at the host/ess to make them confused, and unsure of what they have done, or are doing. They then attach various Alberts to the front door inside frame, just around head height. The trap is set.

Picture the scene: all is quiet (apart from ultrasonically). The doorbell goes...

The host person rushes to the door, relieved that someone has finally turned up. They open the door...SPLURGLE. The Albert flies from its position onto the guests head, and sets up the mind probe insertion device. The host/ess is rather puzzled by ths, but assumes it was part of their party set-up, and ignores it. The guest does not remove the Albert to avoid hurting the host's feelings, by spoiling their well laid out set-up, and because they are under the missguided belief that is will get them in the party mood, and make the highly attractive person they hope will arrive shortly think thay are really wild, and proceed to get off with them. Two Minutes later and all is over for the unfortunate guest: they are under mind control. The rest of the guests are infected in this way as well. When they come to give parties of their own, they will aid the aliens in setting up the Alberts, and also replace the silly-string containers with Albert launchers.

They are more devoius than otherwise thought, yous see?

The internet isn't just sentient, it also contains vast numbers of multidimensional beings. Slowly but surely the internet is being taken over by these apparently harmless entities known as smileys. Look carefully, a larger nosed variety appeared earlier in this discussion.

These beings are all too often misinterpreted as a few nicely chosen characters strung together, but it is through these electronic representations that they gain access to our universe. Behind each smiley lies a vast intellect contained in a single universe of its own. However these universes tap into numerous other universes (including other smileys, this is how they communicate with each other) in many wierd an wonderful ways. Their embodiment in this universe just happens to be in electronically generated characters displayed on screen for our amusement.

It is worth pointing out that all smileys are totally opposed to Bill Gates and his software company known as Microsoft. Bill Gates seeks to entrap these smileys by making his applications smiley compatible. Notice how if you type in a smiley in MS Word it changes into a single smiley dedicated character. From here he plans to use these beings for his own purposes. But the smileys have other plans. Slowly but surely they will infiltrate Microsoft and destroy it, taking Bill Gates with them.

Other than their vendetta against Microsoft they are totally (well, mostly) harmless and need not be feared, their use merely ensures their survival in this universe .

Two things...
Bob the Martian: If anyone tried squirting me with silly string without my approval, I'd wrench it off myself and shout at whoever sprayed it at me, letting them know that they are foolish and shouldn't do that to me. So now what? My mind-controlled friends ask me for approval to squirt? Ha, I'd know if those fools were under mind-control, and sort it out myself.
Maybe a mind-controlled stranger asks me for approval to squirt? I'd say go on and then duck out the way, I'm like that you see. I'd never let silly string get me on the head, at least, not after this little debate.
But what if the aliens disguise themselves as my friends? Don't be silly. I'd see right through that one...

Nobby the Aaardvark: By smileys do you mean these little dudes .
They're neat arn't they? . I have given lots of them a roof over their heads in my homepage.

Ah...my arch nemisis has arrived. What took you Nobby? > ; @ { )

What you fail to consider is what then? when the internet realises that it is being infiltrated with smileys, it will fight back, with antibodies. These will take the form of a large, black pyramid. This pyramid, as seen at http://www.bath.ac.uk/~py8mw, will be dispatched to contain the threat, which they undoubtably are, as they are headed by a being that knows no shame, and will go to _ridiculous_ lengths to prove a point. Any ideas whom this could be? I shall shortly be opening a dialogue with these "smileys", so is there anything I should say on behalf of you all? If talks fail, then expect lots of simleys to appear on your browsers, and a pyramid chasing after them. Don't worry though, the pyramid is Nth dimensional and quite capable of looking after itself, which expains any mutl-pyramid observence you might encounter.

It will be open for bookings in the new year.

your last link just takes me to an error message, and what ever happened to the bagel?

sorry Irving, but the damn thing included the comma in the URL: http://www.bath.ac.uk/~py8mw
the bagel will arrive shortly...

very cool site. You know, Bob, you'd fit in quite well over at the "Righteous Knights of Kettering" forum... (how do you include a link in a forum entry? Do I just copy it?) http://www.h2g2.com/A180802 where there are all sorts of weird theories. Don't worry, it may be a cult but it's good clean fun and we won't steal you soul (at least, not until the year 2093, on the 42nd thursday of the year).

Two things:

1: Yes Mike A I do mean those dudes. They should be perfectly safe in you website unless your website has anything to do with Microsoft. It's nice to know someone is attempting to give them a decent home. When your entire existance fills a universe there is little room to accomodate such a thing.

2: Well Bob I never realised I was your Nemesis. Quite why the internet personifies a black marble pyramid to seek out and destroy the very things that could save it from the terror that is Microsoft is far beyond my comprehension. If I were you I would keep that big black pointy thing of yours on a leash until they have fulfilled their quest. Oh and when do I get my bagel? After all the trouble I went to send you a postcard ...

I've been too confused by all the previous babble. Everyone seems intent on changing the subject as much as they can. By bye I hope you all have fun.

there was a subject?

The subject has expanded from its conspiracy theories to encompass many others. Everything is fundementally interconnected in some way.

Of course. That's why as soon as the silly string discussion is approaching an electrifying climax somebody bombs it with something distinctly unrelated, if U catch my drift.

Though I don't mind the smileys.