h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I need a bagel.

I don't.

You do, but you don't know it yet.

looking over the messages from the past 2 days reveils the extent that a small amount of misinformation can lead so many competent mind astray. A number of points:

A Big Head: croissants are odd French breakfast items made of some sort of pastry, so are irrrrellivent. And yes I do know the extent of your powers, which is why I haven't done anything. Smileys are NOT the cause of 23% of major disasters. Beware reserchers, they can lie or be manipulated. Also, what do you define as a disaster? running out of sugar? bagels? (doh!). We should be told.
One last thing: you will never be a fisherman, you are not Bill Gates.

I thought that this forum was not for silly, blatantly wrong comments, like I am Bill Gates. He isn't. I know the guy. still scary though.

Brox: Interesting idea aboot the Alberts. Everything is interlinked, as is the purpose of the H2G2, but it is rare for someone to uncover, nay, realise almost the full extent of the plot. It is good to be in the company of such fine minds.

As you know, if something looks like something else, then they can take on each others properties. So the fact that the tangle of wires coming out of most servers looks like silly string means that the Aliens can indeed use it as a form of Albert. The method of control is remarkable:

Monitors give out electro-magnetic waves, which can interact with matter. So they aliens make you go to web pages with certain content which gives out a waveform that interacts with your brain, eventually controling your mind. Nobby: you are incorrect in your comments. I cannont reveil, without the consent of everyone here, what is going on, but trust me.

Bob

WoW! Aren't I glad I have a low cord tangle content computer! just three of the things coming out of the side and one heading toward my power plug. The iMac is definately NOT alber freindly.

You wanna try crwaling round the back of MY P.C.! It has lots of wires.

But no alien's going to use it to control my mind. Oh no it isn't.

Hey, how come Bob knows so much about all this stuff, anyway?

You might be interested to know that just as I was going to say that he was making it all up my computer crashed.

Are the alien's ultrasonic noise things capable of more than one thing? Or were they trying to Albert my computer?

BOB'S AN ALBERT!!! EVERYBODY RUN!

Bob is not an Albert although he looks like one from the back.

I cannot believe that you all say Bill Gates is evil. Why, only a few months ago he was attemptng to put into operation a national scheme whereby every kid in the country would have access to a P.C. Obviously this would involve the government buying all the computers at a fairly hefty cost. And consequently taxes would be put up that little bit further. And of course by its very nature the scheme means that millions of little kids will be sucked into the internet thus establishing a solid finantial gain for Microsoft in the future thereby increasing Bill's wealth and power enormously but.................... hang on................. Oh. I see what you mean now............

Yes... anyway.... back to silly string?

No, let's keep with Bill Gates for a moment. Millions of children with their new PC all running _Microsoft_ Windows, _Microsoft_ Internet Explorer, and no doubt with _Microsoft_ Office. Smileys everywhere would have to be more careful lest they be trapped in such applications. This is once again Bill Gates's bid to use the Smileys for his own purposes. The sheer cunning displayed by the man is overwhelming.

I would certainly agree that Bob does look like he has an albert attached to his head. It would explain sooo much if he had been alberted at an early age. On the other hand with hair like his it might just confuse an albert so that it would ignore him thinking he had already be taken over.

The thing attached to the back of my head is a complex anti albert defense systems, which is why there is so damn much of the stuff. If I was taken over by an Albert then I could not stop certain things from happening.

When I was a lad, someone sprayed some silly string on me, and the Albert nearly took over my mind. But with a great effort I was able to wrest the thing off, and cast it down a drain. Unfortunately, it had left its I/O tenticle in my brain, the removal of which would cause major hemmoraging. This means that to this day I have a slight link with the Alien mind controlling these creatures, and with the smileys, the Black pyramid and any other Nth dimensional things. So from this I learnt of the Alien plan. I cannot conciously think what they are thinking, but I see things in my dreams that, over a period of time syggested to me that something was not correct with the world. So this is how I know so much. A side effect with this is that I have the Aliens curiosity about our world, with objects that most find trivial and boring. Trees and clouds for instance.

Anywhichways, the Aliens probably crashed Mike A's PC as a subconsoius warning to try and him stop writing about such things. They cannot directly intervene because that would provide some tangible evidence that they existed.

I have nearly decifered the Aliens plans, having got most of it, just not the final details. It is...interesting...not what you all seem to think, and I should have it completed if I dream tonight. If so, then I can relay the whole tale to you tomorrow. It may have to come in installments because my PC will crash if I send the whole story at once, like Mike A's did, but worse.

Bob

I was about to warn you about telling the world about the alienses plans. Maybe you ought to do it in concise, regular installments.

Have you ever read Moon by James Herbert? You don't half remind me of Moon's hero (John Childes).

and don't any alien try mind-controlling me. This is there 2nd last warning.

I've never actually MET anyone whose name was albert. I've heard of Royal Albert Hall, but as I live in Arizona and have never left the continent (unless you count Catalina island) I've never been there. I don't know if the "Al" in Al Gore is for Albert or Alan, he certainly seems otherworldly at times, but that doesn't mean anything, and I've never met him, either. Has ANYONE really gotten to know anyone named "Albert"? It sounds like such a common name, but I just don't know anyone who uses it.

No Albert's that I know of. I'll possibly think of one soon. And I've never known Albert to be shortened to Al.

It was all my fault Bob! Don't you remember me spraying you with silly string?! At that birthday party at a certain person's house in August of last year. How could I do such a thing - I didn't know!

Hmmm...I was having odd dreams far before that, so you may have mistaken me for a hedge or something, or maybe some other long haired person. But you can see how omnipresent this stuff is. If it fell into the wrong hands who knows what could happen.

Never met anyone called Albert either.

Bob

Alright - you want specifics? It was Matthew Beaven's birthday party last year. I called you over and as you looked at the can I sprayed string all over your forehead. Remember now?

The question is that if you had already been Alberted then what did this fresh attack do to you?

Oh and could smilies be described as Anti-Alberts?

I believe Bob might well be under the control of the Aliens, and not just have a remaining I/O link to them. And I have photographic evidence to prove this.

You will recall that Bob The Martian pointed out how the Aliens can use wireful computers as another form of an Albert. My evidence shows Bob under the control of just such a device. Careful study of the evidence also shows the mass of cables acting as the Albert, as well as the front of what he claims is his defence mechanism, and other people who have sadly succumbed to this form of mind control.

I believe we should be VERY careful when interpreting Bob's messages. He is surely on the side of the Alberting Aliens.

You may view the evidence yourself by pointing your guide at this URI:
http://www.bath.ac.uk/%7Epy8ieh/internet/projects/h2g2/BobTheMartian1.jpeg

Bob is not an albert due to the fact that he is warning us about them. Why would an albert deliberately blow it's cover? Unless they are more cunning than I could possibly imagine

And no, smileys cannot be described as anti-alberts. No Smileys have yet been completely taken over by an albert so they will for the time being ignore these devices. As soon as a smiley has been taken over then alberts will rank alongside Bill Gates on the danger scale (i.e. pretty damned high). Could this be the start though? $#:-<

Man, you lot all know each other. What chance do I have in this conversation?

I think somebody ought to list the important parts of this conversation in small, digestable chunks because I'm losing track of everything again.