h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Ah, nature. Ah, the human race. Which is weirder? Apparently, in England - I'm not saying, 'In the UK', because I believe our other Researchers know this already, if not, they can ask Gnomon - news hasn't got around about the humble but adorable cavy.

It's a sex maniac, people. And, according to the Brighton RSPCA, 'they breed at the rate of knots.'

It seems that about four years ago, a nice lady in Kent bought two of the little darlings. You know, furry, bright-eyed pacifists that make gurgling noises and whistle when you open the fridge door, because fridge=lettuce. Unfortunately, the kids in the pet shop were ignorant of the facts of guinea-pig life. They sold her 1 male + 1 female.

Result: Chaos.

By the time the RSPCA stepped in, there were about 100 of the precious things. Now, it's always been my dream to own a herd of guinea pigs, but I imagine the bills were mounting up. Not to mention that cleaning up after them is labour-intensive, although we had a British friend once whose guinea pigs were housebroken. They'd been trained by Maxi the rabbit, who could do anything. Maxi even intimidated the German police. When they showed up at the door, he put his ears forward and thumped. The cops were impressed. Maxi was protective of his personal guinea pig herd.

The furry horde has been transferred to Brighton, so MVP and others in the area have an opportunity to help out here. KentOnline has the story.

http://www.kentonline.co.uk/sittingbourne_messenger/news/2013/january/15/womans_shock_at_guinea_pigs.aspx

We can't believe people aren't forewarned about the dangers of guinea pig husbandry. As a public service, we offer the following:

1. A link to 'Pigs is Pigs' by Ellis Parker Butler.

http://www.gutenberg.org/files/2004/2004-h/2004-h.htm

This classic story not only mocks bureacracy, but hammers home the basic tenet: Don't turn your back on guinea pigs. They don't know the meaning of the word 'abstinence'.

2. Instructions from me on How to Sex a Guinea Pig.

Even if your pet shop attendant is too busy listening to her mp3 player to bother doing this, you should.

Step One: Hold guinea pig gently in one hand and invert. It will look at you quizzically, but take no other action.
Step Two: Locate a spot in the groin area, left or right of centre. Poke gently.
Step Three: If something emerges, you are holding a Male Guinea Pig. He will look a bit surprised. Maybe he didn't know, either. But be sure he will figure it out soon enough to become a great-great-great-grandfather before the next Olympics.

3. A good video report on the doings in the UK.

http://screen.yahoo.com/embarrassed-woman-100-guinea-pigs-001015786.html

This video is better than BBC News. Why? Because it includes Captain Kirk. We approve of Broken News.

To sum up the lesson for today:

1. Two guinea pigs of the same gender=peace and quiet.
2. Two guinea pigs of the opposite genders=Malthusian nightmare.

There can be too much of a good thing.

Not just Guinea Pigs, either.

I thought I had three female gerbils, until one of them grew a pair (and *what* a pair ) and then we had several little pink ones...at one time I had 26 fully grown ones.

I had a friend that had the same problem, although didn't get to the 100 mark, I think 33 was the population peak

Gerbils are terrible. We've had them. Some friends with a pair of gerbils kept them in their living room...until the vicar came to call one day.

Biological exuberance. It's fun.

I hada Guinea pig when I was a kid. When she was running freely in my room she used a litter box (not as big as those for cats). We took her with us on holidays to our relatives' farm where she could run in the grass and scare the cats. Unfortunately she bit me quite often and died very young.

"Unfortunately she bit me quite often and died very young" Blood poisoning?

That's mean, Pastey.

Tav, we had one in Germany called Tuffet - because he was round when I got him, and was a calico Abyssinian, so he looked like a, well, tuffet.

He didn't bite, but if you petted him, he pushed with his head, just like a cat.

They do scare cats, don't they?

Guinea pigs are intimidated by hamsters though.

"Step Two: Locate a spot in the groin area, left or right of centre. Poke gently.
Step Three: If something emerges, you are holding a Male Guinea Pig."

Riiiiiiiiiiiiight.

If they are even half as prolific as you suggest they are, I'm not taking the risk of a single darn *thing* emerging.

Approach with caution. I actually learned this from a very sweet young lady in a German pet shop.

I think that this thread is the first time in my whole life I've heard the word "tuffet" being used outside of that nursery rhyme!

Male gerbils have *very* large s. I'm surprised they walk at all. Half their body mass I'm sure.

The humber of responses to that comment, Mags, that popped into my head and were instantly suppressed by my vestigial sense of decency (and self-preservation), approached 10-to-the-somethingth power...

(with a coy face on)wish I was a guinea pig lucky blighter's

Can't say I envy them raising that many kids, Prof!