h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?

Speak up my fiance. You must open your pretty mouth for me ot hear the wisdom trip from your tongue.

Mmmmmmm. *performs elaborate mime to suggest "I've lost my voice"*

Here my sweet. I have a delicioius linctus which will soothe your throat and put lead in your pencil. It is made from honey and larks tongues. Open wide.
*noise of Vestboy holding out spoon of linctus to EV with mouth open in an encouraging sort of way*

ick ick all this lovey dovey stuff is making me feel ill - enough PDAs

Put that linctus away - I don't know where it's been. Oh bugger. *clasps hands over mouth* PDAs?

Egad and 'pon my soul. Forsooth, fortooth, two teeth... Methinks my affiance has betrayed me with a ne'er do well whalebone merchant.
I withdraw my offer of marriage E Vibenstein.
May the whalebone turn to gall in your mouth! Harlot!

Public displays of Affection

*retches* That whalebone hash turned to gall in my mouth! Damn and blasht theshe charlatan dentishtsh.

Ah - I wash wondering where Pershonal Digital Asshishtantsh fitted into 17th Chentury London.

Maybe i should put some cakes in the oven.
Ooops better make sure they don't catch fire...........................

My Dad is the Clerk of the Worshipful Company of Bakers in the City - and they are still being made to apologise for the Great Fire. I love winding him up about it!!! Cos I am like that!

*sniff* *sniff* Here, can you shmell burning?

That is a good one - another favourite is just to dance around yelling - "its your fault". However since I discovered they can really throw a party I have decided to try and be nicer to them!

This sounds like palmistry and soothsaying. We have no fear of fires just now but the... the... Hmmm. I hate to say this in polite company but the "Black Death" is the problem we are facing just now.
A decent blaze might put paid to some of the problems we've been facing!

Hello, Hello? *wafts aside clouds of acrid smoke* are you all 'a-bed?

What is to be made of this?

I had heard that some fine Burgundy was on offer *peers through to smoke only to spy empty bottle* but alas, that lascivious Duke of Dunstable has quaffed the lot. Still, what gentlemen (or lady) could resist?

Master Pe- *coughs mightily* -pys I see you have established a, shall we say, good 'fug up' in your quarters *further unpleasant hacking*

In answer to your enquiry, the New World is, for the moment at least, a damnable nuisance. Though, in saying that, the first days of Spring are now here, and I am *eyes watering furiously* put in mind of, ahem, perhaps another time *backs gingerly toward front door*

I remain your esteemed *flames lick coat-tails* oh my word!

*Peers through open door*
*And observes an interesting scene. Vestboy, surrounded by ferrets with rather inadequate corsets, is fishing around in EV's mouth with a pair of pliers. Lochangel is assisting while dressed in a fetching nurses uniform. Wellies and the good Duke are placing the fine vintage into more sutable containers (themselves), while Drool Frood is running around carring a trey of flaming cakes. To top it all The Ambassador is contentidly pouring luminous beer over a rather singed rear end.*

*Finally plucking up the courage*

I'm terribly sorry I can see that you are all rather busy, I think I shall return at a more convenient time.

Yes, well, there is little to hide what remaining modesty I have *rueful look at charred britches* so I will take me to the nearest tailor post haste.

Master Pepys - know you of a fine tailor in these parts? I have been too long in the South seas and am somewhat behind, so to speak, on the latest fashions.

I remain the longwinded

Ambassador

*suddenly stopping in mid ply*
What am I doing. The engagement is off! I shouldn't be fishing in his cakehole for ferret's corsets!
I'm a free man again. I should be on the prowl!
I'm on the rebound - stand back folks, lovesick Lovely Spice is on the loose!
Let me get them false eyelashes on again.
Lochangel, c'mere!









I need you to tighten my corset and introduce me to that nice Mr Pepys again.

Doesh that mean I can put my teeth back in?