h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

AHH!! at last things seem to have lightened up.Where's the sherry?
AH *grabs bottle pours a LAAARRGe one and slurps*
Thats much better,So are we going to sing bawdy songs now like in the film Oliver..OOM PAH PAH OOM PAAH etc?

That'sh very kind, but I wash hoping to make shome falshe onesh out of theshe potatoesh.

Er. Drool. Oliver was MUCH later than this but who cares... Pass the sherry

#Foooooood Glorious food, Boiled kittens in mustaaaaaard!#

So *that's* where my kitten went!

Dearest Ladies, good gentlemen - I have returned from the Palace to find that on only the third day of my membership of this illustrious society I am the host of one of the busiest forums. To celebrate I have ordered my man to bring up a barrel of the finest malmsey from the cellar!

Hurrah! *raises glass*

I see you can raise glasses without lisping. That's an improvement. Lemme have a look at those false teeth.
Wow, you've left the eye in on one of them. I expect Mick Hucknell - whoever he will be in 300 years time - will pick up that idea.

Yes, I did that on purpose to make them look more natural... I think it looks just like a real cavity, don't you?

Mmmm. I've just realised that you only replaced the front two and I've been referring to the other 30.

When do dentists get invented? OK, we won't wait. I've got a nice set of pliers here - used for getting peasants out of horses hoofs. Just lean back and I'll be quick.

Lochangel can you bring a bucket for him to spit the blood into?

Wellies can you carve me 22 more false teeth out of those spuds?

Oh what fun we shall have!

Hurrah I have a nurse's uniform I can wear!

Hang on, I'm not sure I like this idea... except perhaps the "nurse's uniform" bit. Oooh, matron!

Good day gentlemen & ladies *drinks deeply from vat of malmsey*

Ah, Master Pepys, I congratulate you on your forum and hospitality; both are surely without reproach. Would that the New World was closer to home and I could contribute more fully (and while others are about)

However, it is still my hope that I can assist EV. In a recent trading encounter with the natives (who show scant regard for the virtues of a good perriwig) we happened upon a large quantity of whale bone, which, in exchange for a few muskets is now in our posession. EV - might not this whalebone be cunningly fashioned to, as it were, 'plug your gap'.

You have only to say the word and I shall send a consignment on the next ship home - with luck you will have a fine set of gnashers in time for the new year.

Darkness and devils! I must away again. The colony will not run itself, and the confounded Governor is in need. Farewell.

Excuse me, one and all. As was curious about the standards here. I mean, we ARE supposed to be depraved, are we not? My wonder is; HOW depraved is it alright to get? Can I, for instance, go out and fetch me a lower class young girl and by force involve her in foul and sinful activities against her will, or would I be better off just drinking myself silly and do unseen things with the interiors?

Your Grace may I refer you to my latest diary entry (currently being written) where you will find your answer - but please make sure you choose a girl who is willing, and by my troth there are many. I will not espouse the taking of young ladies by force.

Ambassador - I thank you for your kind words and wish to that we were able to converse more easily. How goes the New World?

Dear mr Pepys, my question was strictly retorical. I wouldn't dream of letting in to that sort of action. I'm a married man, and I tend to drink more than what is good for me among friends. There I stop. Speaking of which, any meat and wine in the house?

Sir My parlour is at your disposal - my girl, Deb Willett is preparing a feast as we speak. In the mean time I have a bottle of good burgundy for your pleasure!

Huzzah! Let's roister!

Shplendid! Ah, hang on, let me jusht fit theshe cunningly-fashioned whalebone teeth..... mmm, yes, that seems better. Thank you Ambassador!

Right ho! Spill it in! Love a good...eh...burgouise, was it?

*In some distress*
Yoiks! Some blackguard has stolen the whale bones out of the ferret's corsets kindly given to me by a friend. Has anyone been peddling whalebone in these parts recently.
If I find out who it is I'll knock his teeth out!