h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I wouldn't know where to start.

And this being oh so nice h2g2..I can't really spell out the truth.

Really our society is built on the hypocrisy of apparent free speech.

People *never* say what they really think and feel.

And its not like writing some poetry which I totally love of strong emotion recollected in tranquility..(anhaga knows about that)

Its about feeling safe to unburden yourself in words.

Otherwise you just hit the bottle. That's really what our society is built on.

Oh dear got tempted by the lesbian thread. Well why wouldn't you?

That thread could have been so much more erotic...

Things are looking up there now though..and I spoke my mind...it'll probably annoy kea though that I'm there at all..well too bad if she still refuses all communication.

Winds getting up and trees swaying and bending and falling right over. Hope it gets worse. Heavy rain forecast..excellent for the pond..and its new amphibious inhabitant.

Aeroplanes glittering now with their lights in the twilight.

But I can feel everything building up again.

Good that I try to keep on expressing stuff in words then.

Wind's really getting up now thank god. Trees all over the place swaying around..and clouds scudding across the sky which you can always see in London at night. But coming from a southerly direction so not cold.

sunny and hot and dead calm here. The last few days (and the next are expected to be the same) the temperature has ranged between about 25 in the day time and around 5 at night.

Just making a batch of fresh salsa (peppers from the garden). Tragically, I spilled the glass of mezcal I'd poured.

Christ that is tragic.

Yes its delightfully wild here tonight. I like it..and more forecast for tomorrow

My ahem 'plants' are starting to flower. One is the size of a small tree. Next door students eyeing up happily.

Could be I'll spend a few evenings with them in the winter

I always get calm when you turn up

got in some hot water on that lesbian thread..for god's sakes the thing has mostly been taken over by men though.. And I tend to get bolshy. the other women seem to want to be oh so reasonable.

But of course for me it had that charge as it was the first time I could let off a bit of steam talking to kea. It was a good thing.

I can't help being this bipolar type of over emotional type. Nature made me this way so there must be some good stuff about it..but it can be very difficult trying to fit into this modern civilisation. And i forget I'm not around artists.

I do find the culture here quite difficult a lot of the time. Everyone's so ing *apparently* grown up.

Actually I'm a heck of a lot more angry about how that situation went on on that thread. Until I turned up it had all been men squabbling and ego stuff. I actually turned it towards the topic by honestly saying stuff to do with my experience of sex. That turned the whole thread.

And then I'm told by kea..*I'm ruinning it* so I have to leave. She is just colluding with the very thing she says she's against by making me the scape goat for spoiling the thread. I know who spoilt it..the same person who called me mendacious in the past. the same person who came to my space and told me to grow up when I talked about anxieties to do with the death of my parents.

This shows how it goes when you try to understand the world through theories..rather than using your sensitivities to really see the patterns.

So I'm the ing black sheep of that thread now. He'll be happy.

Oh well if she wants to learn about lesbian stuff from a man..and a gay one that's up to her.

Here gay women don't really align with gay men politically so much now...but are more interested in always making solidarity with other women.

Basically sisterhood here now in England is much more warm and based on solidarity together...all that theoretical stuff just creates a lot of fear for a lot of women..and allows men to come between women's natural bonding for one another.

I'm going with the natural feelings of bonding and stuff that theoretical stuff that stifles feelings of love.

And i remember in the past here from the politicals to do with sexuality, there used to be a big looking down upon bisexuals. we were the lowest of the low. So a political lesbian would make stronger alliance with a pure gay man than with a bisexual woman.

Thank god England moved out of the dark ages for that stuff for women.

Things are much clearer to me now as to how the land lies.

What a relief to finally disentangle it all. It's that old thing that we bisexuals are the lowest of the low for the political lesbians.

We stand outside that conceptual system...and muck it up for them.

No wonder when HI attacked me with 'mendacious', as well as earlier on that thread when any sensitive person would have stood back a while after it was the first time with all the angst and misery I got to speak to kea at last, and he stomps in with a mass of links, and she sides with him. And i'm acussed of ruining things by being too personal. And of course peanut comes in not knowing why I'm making a fuss.

Yes after all that pent up unhappiness of course I was personal. Any sensitive person would know that.

Of course it was bloody personal...Any half wit would have stood back.

And now its all ed again. And I'll be the one in the dock again.

Well at least I now understand it all.

And bipolars are a FACT of life. People can make all sorts of remarks about grow up, calm down, and all the other sht. Well often we simply cannot. The emotion is that overpowering. I don't know why I'm this way but I am.

And the wind's getting up even more. And what a relief to go outside into the garden. All that reality about strong things swirling about..and its completely normal.

Its been really good to write all this stuff for myself. I could have got smashed...well I won't deny I've had a bit to drink.

But people must be bottling all sorts of stuff up all the time.

yes we have a 'hitting the bottle' based society because people are mostly too scared to face up to things and admit that which causes them pain...it might seem silly.

Really I need to go outside again.

Forgive me for not commenting so far: I've been so far removed from the very idea of a relationship of a sexual sort for so long that I really don't have much to say.

It's all so very foreign to me -- and I very much want to keep it that way.

That having been said, however, I've never in my life had any objection to anybody and anybody (and anybody, if they so wish) carrying on in whatever way they like. And, as far as the sexual political alliance thing goes . . .

It strikes me as stupid, short-sighted, and unbelievably counter productive for any bunch who are fighting for rights, etc. to reject the support of any individual or group who might offer support. This is the same sort of mentality which says 'a man can't be a feminist'. I'd argue that a single father of a daughter is likely better prepared to be a stronger feminist than a twenty-something White girl from a rich suburb of Montreal.

And, wouldn't a bisexual man or woman be a beneficial conduit for communication between the gay and straight communities? Such an individual is not by definition some sort of fifth columnist for the stinking heteros.

That is, if communication is in any way a goal.

But, I don't really care, from a personal point of view: the only axe I have to grind is the freedom and equality axe. I'm on everybody's side if they want to honestly communicate and I'm on the side of no one who wants to shut down communication -- of course, the latter sort wouldn't want me around anyway.

Enough of a rant from me.

I only realised what it was that was so important and precious that I had with my relationship with kea, when I lost it. That's why its been so overwhelming that I can hardly think straight anymore.

And I am giving myself the opportunity to express that here in my journal because I think it is healthy to do so...and its a safety valve. For someone like me it is essential I can express it..and it has been all my life. As bad as things have been in some ways..they could have been so much worse if I didn't find art as a way to express feelings.

When I say art..I mean in the widest sense..so including writing..which seems the most important of late. But then that was the first thing I discovered when I started writing at the age of 7 about feelings to do with that move. Its the primary expression for me.

And now I started of late to really say stuff..I can't switch it off. And it seems more powerful to write things on the internet in journals like this, than on little bits of paper at home, of which I have truly vast amounts.

And I keep thinking where does this energy come from. I think it comes from Nature in some way..as Jackson Pollock said, 'I am Nature'. He was bipolar too. Maybe bipolar people have something in them that means they have more direct contact with the energy of Nature in themselves.

But there are few structures in our contemporary societies to help people deal with it. So people end up becoming alcoholics or being violent or heavily medicated.

Thats why writing is so important. It is a structure to deal with it.

The attitudes of some gay people, male and female, to bisexual people, is just weird... I never could get a grip on why bisexual people are so often looked down apon, by those with whom they actually share more than they differ on
The wind and rain here last night, was a good test of my new windows... seems a bit more settled outside now though

hi 2legs always nice to see you here..yeah the wind here is slightly abated. Just went up the road for some big prawns from the fishmongers which I'll have fried in olive oil and loads of garlic with coriander and tomato salad for tea

The wind was capriciously knocking me about. Feel a bit wasted.

Yeah I think that attitude to bisexuals has got a bit better..but maybe it has to do with that we are just greedy so and sos for pleasure wherever we can get it..both of the other sides view us with a bit of suspicion viva pleasure I say.

hope William is good and you're keeping that silver ring well polished. My last girlfriend was really big into all things silver. She gave me a very sensual silver piece of fabric..not quite the same as a ring though

Something I want to let rip about is that the moment I step out of line here i get a lot of criticism. Some really nasty stuff, even yesterday questioning whether I should be here at all.

But all the time i am here and contributing what I think often lively and interesting posts, sometimes quite imaginative I think, sharing a lot of my knowledge with people because of my excellent education, often quite humorous..basically keeping the place as unbland as i can, in my way...not a single person will be praising me for that.

So all it does in the long run is debilitates and undermines you. You get low self esteem. I had exactly that from my mother in spades..which meant i didn't form a proper personality of self confidence like others here. I didn't form that sense of security in myself like any child should have.

Thank god my father was always very positive about me. In fact when I had my psychotherapy initial assessment the psychiatrist said he had probably saved my sanity.

And I get the same here...in terms of the undermining and concentration on my negatives.

What a horrible world we all live in. It can make you feel like blowing your brains out sometimes its all so pointless.