h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

In my home, it's been a bit of a tussle. Being heaved into medical retirement, my in-laws are really pushing for us to "come home".

Their locale is some 800 miles from here. I have never lived there, being born and raised in another province entirely. And my dear bride? She hasn't lived closer than 120 miles - because a military transfer had us there for a few years - since late 1983.

What is "home", and would you pack up and leave your recent place of 21 years, for someone else'es idea of "home"?

I bumped into another expat the other day who has separated from her husband. Her children are grown up and she was seriously considering returning to the UK; there is nothing left to keep her here.

I think I would do the same if I was widowed/divorced. Neither of my grandchildren are that near me. I have friends here, but have kept up friendships at home. My mother is 96, she will be 100 when I retire, but I have relatives of my own generation.

Upping sticks late in life is often recommended and often practised. Seems a bit rash to me. I would not leave it too long - immediately after retirement should be the latest. If you're thinking of taking a second home for "the autumn of your life" it would be prudent to get that sorted out as soon as possible and to spend time there building up relations with the neighbours etc.

If you're thinking of moving lock, stock and barrel somewhere completely different, then it's not a good idea to wait until 75 either. It seems odd to me that people think it's a good idea to move to, say, Southern Spain, so late in life, with all the effort of making new friends and going through the red tape of moving abroad.

The most important thing is that, wherever you are, by the time you have passed 65, you have found somewhere where you feel comfortable, have a reliable circle of friends, neighbours, and public services at your doorstep, and you are living in a house you can grow old in (few stairs, easy maintenance, accessible and well-appointed (whatever that means))

So, if you like where you live, and you have decided to get old there, you should think twice about moving nearer to your parents-in-law.

What is "home"? - I call my little corner of the UK "home" and would go and live there in a flash, although I have lived here in Germany for over 40 years.

It's my life, and I wouldn't want to end it in someone else's "home", and I certainly wouldn't demand that my children drop everything and come to live with me.

Having said that, my sister has actually done this. She moved from West of London back to East Anglia to be nearer the parents, and has now given up her job South of London to be at home more during the week. She, too, had a group of friends in the area, and would feel at home anywhere anyway. She has no husband and no dependants.

It is all so subjective and a decision to move depends on so many factors, but if you have never really lived there, don't know the area, and have no friends there, it would be like moving to a place you picked by throwing a dart at the map on the wall.

Does your wife have any siblings nearer the parents? Could you visit more often? How much assistance do they need?

She is the 1st born of 4 children, the rest being men now. And all of them and their growing families are within 20 minutes of the elders.

While it is the mother-in-law who wants all of the chicks to be within arms' reach, I am the one considered selfish for not giving her what she wants right now.

I've never been away.

Mrs G and I grew up within 400 metres of each other, although we never met until we were 18. When we married, we moved only 4 kilometres to our present house, where we've lived ever since.

Gnomon, you have been away - - - some far flung and amazing travels to countries that I could never dream of visiting. (That Atlantic Sea is a helluva hurdle and cost)

But you have a good tether. Keeping you well anchored where things count to you.

Since I was 21 I have lived long term in 11 different countries. Home since retirement has been the cottage in North Lincolnshire that I bought in 1973, Home is where you keep your winter hat in the summer and vice versa.
Not where your family is? No, mine live in Ireland having had the sense to marry lovely Irish women.
Not where your friends are? No, most of mine are scattered round the world (or alas gone on to another)
Stay/go where tour heart is.

Since a bit over 17, home has been where my hat hangs. This town, locale, even this specific house, all are the longest measures of time for me of any - ever.

It's the pressure and demand that my bride should want to return to "home".

She is fast approaching 55, and not lived near there since she was 22.

But it is "home" to Mom and Dad and brothers, and makes her feel caught in the middle. Family or husband of nearly 29 years? It isn't easy for the poor girl.

My father, who is 96, still lives in the house I grew up in. My sister and I each drop in on him one day a week to help him with errands. An assisted living facility has been chosen for the time when he will need it.

I don't think that I could have stayed where I was born. Despite her evil and cruel ways, my mother once admitted that she could never see me staying there.

A beautiful village in the heart of farming of beef, dairy, pork, poultry and consume-able grains and such. Local factories that made and assembled batteries, furniture, slaughtered and processed poultry for national and international consumption. I would have died of boredom at 50 instead of a stupid heart failure before I am 60.

If you could re-educate your heart, might it be less of a failure?

paulh, your dad still being in the same house is awesome! The golden years aren't always golden, so it's awesome when people actually get to enjoy them. My grandmother isn't in the house she raised her kids in, but she is still in her own house at 95. My sister and I are each about 15 minutes away from her.

She is the only reason I wouldn't consider moving elsewhere, even though my entire family is here, as is Mr B's. But in a few years, who knows? We've talked about moving to the coast, and I've even occasionally considered crossing the northern border...

I like to think we will stay in this house forever, but having seen how my in-laws struggled in the bungalow they sensibly retired to, I'm not sure a 3 storey house is suitable for old age.

In a sense we are lucky because what's left of my husband's family is scattered over the north of England (ie not all in one convenient place) and my own family is mostly within 10 miles of here (having followed us here from our childhood home - but that was their choice, we certainly didn't expect it). That will change when our own children leave home but at the moment we are under no pressure to relocate anywhere.

So this is home. We've lived in this village for 24 years and in this house for nearly 17. We know the people and the landscapes and we like it here.

Mol

I think it quite wrong of family to put pressure on someone to move nearer to them. Who knows what's round the corner in terms of health, employment etc. Should children move near aged parents to look after them, or move the parents? What if there are several siblings widely spread - who to choose to live where?
My elder son has moved abroad & I feel sad that the time will come when we can no longer visit him, although hopefully he will come to see us!
My parents left my childhood home to live elsewhere, so home to me is where I have now lived for 30 years & hope to stay - at least in the same village.

To my mind, better to be living near friends than family - good if you can be within reasonable easy journey of both.

Teaswill - I am like your elder son (am the elder sibling) and moved abroad to marry and have a family. My mother came for my eldest son's wedding, but her passport has now expired and, at 96, she's not going to apply for a new one, so she'll not be visiting again.

Now, however, my children are grown up and have left home, I manage to get back quite often to visit her. Not enough to look after her permanently, but I am fortunate in that she doesn't need that (yet). My sister, as I said above, has no family, and she did move nearer to our mother, but she did this of her own accord and, of course, it wasn't a strange place to her.

When your son's family have flown the nest, maybe he will spend more time with you.

In Nick's case, I don't see any argument FOR moving to the in-laws, but his wife will no doubt have the last word.

Perhaps he should get a large sheet of paper with a line down the middle and list the pro's and the con's on each side of the line and discuss it rationally with his wife.

Believe me, the discussions have been many. Pro's and con's, including having established medical, dental and all other health matters here. Including the cardiology team that monitors me, the specialists that embedded a defibrillator/pacemaker in me, etc.

How-ever, when parents apply the guilt - rationality often takes a back-seat. And I am left with a teary-eyed bride who is sorely torn ...