h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

My girls are both very quiet, which some noisier people interpret as rudeness at the dinner table. While I think these people are basically wrong, it is a fact that extroverts seem to think they can dominate social situations, and so it might be worth helping my girls learn to deal with such people in future. Personally, I don't think conversation should be compulsory, although it's nice if it's encouraged, so I've been wondering how to handle this situation, whether to incentivise the girls to talk, tell their critics to shut up, or what. I have taught the girls some tricks, like asking the people how their day has been, on the basis that these people live to talk about themselves. Any other suggestions?

Strange, as I was brought up to be quiet at the dinner table, but to join in the conversation if I was directly addressed.

There's nothing wrong with being an introvert, nothing at all. But if you do want to try and encourage them to talk more during dinner conversations, asking for their views on things that are being discussed, listening to their views and talking to them about it is a good start.

People sometimes mistake shyness for conceit.

Are your daughters interested in music or drama or anything else that's creative? Artists "speak" through their art. Some people are shy about talking, but they write voluminously. Also, if you have guests at your table who think your daughters are rude by not talking, you might be supportive by mentioning good things that they have done. Everyone appreciates support.

I'm confused - how are people indicating that quietness at the dinner table is being rude?

I think people should learn how to make dinner table conversation - it's a dying art.

Television ruined the art of conversation. Or is it facebook or twitter we're supposed to blame for that these days?

In my experience, kids respond well to being included in conversations and taken seriously. As Pastey suggested, include them, ask what they think about things. Not obsessively and constantly, of course - that would just get tiresome for you and them both.

I think quotes' problem is more that the girls will be written off as not being socially adept, or worse, not being interesting to be with. Not that they are considered rude.

Perhaps they could smile and nod, make sympathetic faces, and be seen to be good listeners which is what they probably are.

Never to answer a question with a one-word answer, but to use complete sentences. And to finish with a reciprocative question, so that the other person is encouraged to talk about themselves, which is, as has been said, their main aim anyway.

In these sentences, they should say at least one surprising thing - just to make sure they're being listened to. Sadly, you have to do that sometimes - people just say what they were going to say anyway and steamroll on through the conversation without really caring what the other person says. It won't do your daughters' ego any good if they think no one cares what they say.

Still waters run deep.

There's nothing at all wrong with being an introvert. (thus sprach a role model)

Children quiet at the table - yes, well, p'raps that was the problem that carried on & on, into old age?

They shouldn't have to hide who they are.

Absolutely. There is nothing wrong at all with someone not having the inclination to talk. But being a good talker is a good skill to have in the toolbox in case you ever do want to use it.

Not talking may just indicate that someone is actually thinking..something to be encouraged in the young.Maybe they are daydreaming and they are adding to their rich inner life,making up plot lines to future novels and working on inner landscapes to be visualised at some later date?

Some people would delight in a child that knows when to be quiet..Heaven knows I've spent enough times in restaurants wishing someone's offspring had an off button.

I was in a restaurant like that earlier this evening .

Being quiet because you are thinking is one thing.

Being quiet because you're bored is another. This is sometimes accompanied by surreptitious texting.

Being quiet because you're busy eating is a third thing [that's why people come to the dinner table].

There are so many reasons for being quiet that I'm not sure
if there is even a problem....

I don't think that the girls would lack social skills as they would be picking them up from those around them. I think it is useful life skill to teach your children skills like active listening but think it is up to them when they apply them.

Personally I would shy away from putting a weight of expectation on my child make conversation at the dinner table if they are not comfortable or inclined to do so.

It is not rude to be quiet, so I would politely put that person right, if they still have an issue with it, tough, that is their problem not your girls

>>It is not rude to be quiet, so I would politely put that person right, if they still have an issue with it, tough, that is their problem not your girls.

Whether or not this is true, we do live in a world where rewards are given to those who communicate most effectively. It's ironic that we are made to be quiet at school, and punished for our noise, while later on it's those who shout loudest who will get on; so I think that it is well worth gaining the skill of conversation.

To this end, I invented a game yesterday which I played with my girls, in which one person asks a conversational question, like "how was your day?", and the next person has to answer with a sentence andthen ask another question related to that. They seemed to enjoy playing it.

that sounds like a good game - perhaps you can ask some teachers of foreign languages for any other tips for conversation practice?

When I was an EFL teacher we used to play the "I pack my suitcase" game a lot, because it practices vocabulary, but it also gets people talking. And possibly practicing things like talking to people on the telephone might be useful?

Role playing games would be an extension of that. (Not the D&D sort). My EFL students used to love the telephone conversations I staged for them. I sat them back-to-back, so they couldn't see each other (as you would on the phone) and gave them s situation to play out.

This also helps develop empathy, as you have to see things through another's eyes for a while. In fact, as yet a further extension of this theory - do you think you could encourage them to join an amateur dramatics society?

If they don't like that idea At All (I don't think I would have at that age), perhaps karate or judo would help improve their self-confidence. They might not talk more at the table, but their smile might be broader, or even their posture in their seat might emanate more readiness to socially interact.

I suppos this is obvious, and you're already doing it anyway: Encourage conversations on many topics when you're alone with them, so they they have a chance to develop an opinion. The time will then come when they just can't sit in silence, especially if they strongly disagree with what is being said.

Most of all, they should know that their contribution to the conversation, and their opinion, is valued. But I'm sure you give them that already.

Sounds good Quotes. I am not disagreeing that communication skills are good to have, along with other attributes like self confidence and assertiveness and will serve them well in life.

Also if communication skills do not come naturally then these can be taught and actively learnt to deploy in situations when needed.

I would say though that in a situation such as at the dinner table being quiet, essentially being themselves is just fine and not rude.

How about having the girls host their own social events on their own turf? Dinner party/ buffet/ afternoon tea where they have active roles in the planning, organising, hosting for their friends and/ or for yourselves and supportive other adult guests.