h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I'm not close to most of my family.

My mother and I had a very bad relationship, right from the start and until she died almost two years ago. I was always daddy's little girl, though. My mother and my sister moved to Florida, 2000-ish miles away, in 1990. I didn't see either of them again till my mother got sick in 2010 and my husband and I went to visit before she died (it was actually the first time my mother and my husband had met). My dad moved to Florida in 2002 when he retired, but he visits at least once or twice a year.

I haven't seen my mother's side of the family since I was around 13, and have heard from my maternal grandparents twice- both times to offer condolences, for the deaths of my paternal grandmother and my mother, and both six months or more after the fact. So I can't really be bothered with them.

My dad's dad died before I was born, but my grandma always lavished my sister and me with love and attention, and we were very close until she died at 96 in 2009. I'm also very close with my dad's brother, two of their cousins, and one of my second cousins. Most of my great-aunts and uncles are long dead, but I'm close to anyone who's still alive and not several states away.

My sister and I aren't close, for a number of reasons. But I hear from her and her husband with some frequency, and my niece and nephew chat with me on Facebook all the time. I see my dad a couple times a year and we talk on the phone or by email at least once every couple of weeks.

Functional family, though siblings more like cousins because of age differences and migratory patterns. Facebook would have made it much easier to keep up if it had been founded 30 years ago.

Extended cousinage on my mother's side; going to a minor reunion of 2nd and 3rd cousins in March, in fact.

B

I don't really have a "place where I grew up", but at least some of my family seems to be concentrated in a certain area in Germany, despite the fact that most of them married foreigners, so that seems to be "home".

I get on well with my sisters and mother (+ stepfather), visit them a few times a year, skype/phone several times a week. My relationship with my father was a lot more difficult, and now that he's died, I wish my stepmother would just disappear as well.

My mother's side of the family is huge, and I get on well enough with most of the uncles, aunts, and cousins, and see them to varying degrees throughout the year, many only at Christmas. Not much family on my father's side - he was an only child - though I do know some of the cousins. My sister seems to be the one taking over the role of staying in contact with the extended family, though. I rarely know what they're all up to.

In general, I like my family, but having them all in a different country isn't really as devestating as you might think, thanks to modern technology. That might change if I ever have children, mind you.

Let's hope someone's invented a babysitting app by then.

Mala, one of my best friends would be feeling your pain regarding stepmothers. Some of the stories i've heard (and witnessed on one occasion) have been quite horrendous so you have my sympathy!

I'm glad you opened this discussion Ed, I've often wondered what's normal and what the pros and cons are. My mum and dad split up when I was just five and divorced a year later.
Since then I've always been close to my mum, although my definition of close seems to be different to other peoples's. For instance, my partner has an evening meal at his mum and dad's house once a week and if it's missed, he has to have a good reason. I probably text my mum more than I see her, and I text her once a week at most, once a month is more likely unless we're organising something or sharing information. We've gotten closer since I was about 25 when I finally started talking to her properly instead of trying to hide my entire life from her. No idea why I did this, I think it was the closest I got to rebellion. My mum lives ten minutes away by car and sometimes stays downstairs from me as her boyfriend is my neighbour. We both have busy lives. Facebook allows more regular if indirect contact. She is self-employed, works six days a week in a market and has to do all of her paperwork, making up orders, buying goods and organising visits for commissions in the evenings. Much as we love each other, she knows I'll tell her if I need her and I know she'll do the same if she needs me.

My dad is like an alien to me. Entirely different lifestyle, values, everything. When mum and dad divorced we moved to bristol, dad stayed in the milton keynes area. My brother went to uni near him and stayed and it's like dad got my brother and mum got me. They are as similar to one another as me and mum are. It's funny, really. I have a small extended family who I stay in some touch with, but I've never known (until I got together with my boyfriend) a family life that involves seeing each other at least once a week and really being under each others' feet. It sometimes drives me up the wall but other times it can be a real comfort. I'm just glad they are his family, I can cry off if I need a rest from being so damned sociable! For him, though, it's entirely normal and he thought I didn't get on very well with my mum until he really got to know us both!

I do consider myself lucky though. Another of my closest friends was abused, put into care, fostered, had a child with an abusive man, left him and her home town and has coped with quite severe illness, being a single mum and having no support network other than a couple of friends for five years now. Her son was four when she left his dad and moved to a strange city (here). Loneliness really becomes noticeable when there is literally nobody to call when you need your mum. In pain, emotional, sometimes in despair and with nothing to do but cry it out, straighten your shoulders, stick out your chin and get the hell on with it. I've been there for her, but she hates feeling that her friends are having to replace a family who feel no obligation towards her (her dad's family are nice but unhelpful, she will have nothing to do with her mother's family. Of two siblings, she has one whom she even talks to and that's a rarity since she refused to go to her other sibling's wedding). Fighting against the Disney Dream as we call it, is exhausting. Half of her wants to have the chance to forgive her parents and have a family back, another part wants to be able to drop all the baggage and just get on with what she's got without asking 'but why can't I have any of that...?'. Neither seems to happen though.

Sometimes I feel guilty for having family and not particularly wanting to see them because they are pointless and annoying and basically useless, but then I recall asking my dad straight out one day whether he wanted to have any sort of relationship with me, because if he did, he'd make an effort and if he didn't, what was the point in kidding ourselves? He didn't have an answer for me so...

The guilt thing's weird, isn't it?