h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I'm currently writing an entry on Fights...and How to Avoid Them.

http://www.h2g2.com/A403444

If any of you have any suggestions, or would like to regale me of your truelife experiencies about how you avoided a fight, please post here.

Thanks for your help!!

Hooloovoo.

Why would one want to avoid a fight?

BTW I always win.

Are we talking arguments or fisticuffs?

Simple. Don't start it, don't be afraid to back down, and don't be a mouthy little sh**. People who get in fights WANT to be in fights. And if you need to run, fine, better than losing teeth.
By the way, I'm also 195 pounds and a black belt... I choose not to fight because I don't want to, not because I can't.

>
>Are we talking arguments or fisticuffs
>

I'm talking fisticuffs here.

>
>Simple. Don't start it, don't be afraid to back down, and don't be a >mouthy little sh**. People who get in fights WANT to be in fights. >And if you need to run, fine, better than losing teeth.
>By the way, I'm also 195 pounds and a black belt... I choose not to >fight because I don't want to, not because I can't.
>

I'm on about when that someone who *wants* to be in a fight starts on you. So dont start it is not really what I'm after. Also I'm not 195 pounds and I'm not a black belt, I'm trying to write this page for us wimpy types who guys always feel they can start on.

Come on....some of you must have some good stories.

Hooloovoo

RUN LIKE F**K !!!

Already got that one.....its my first line of defence.

Anything else...?? I cant believe no one has any anecdotes about this sort of thing.

Hooloovoo

One method that I have used in the past is to just look at the person in the eyes and confidently say the phrase, "I don't think so!". Of course, this may not work all of the time, but it can put the person off a bit.

Another method, as you have mentioned in your guide entry, is to use the drunkenness to your advantage and dodge any swings of fists and watch the person (hopefully) fall onto the floor. This can be a problem though, due to the fact that you must remain sober enough to avoid these swings and this is not always a desirable option when in a pub/bar/night club with mates.

Hooloovoo, this was discussed some in the forum for Teenage Issues that h2g2 held a while ago.

The result was an entry on teenage bullying:
http://www.h2g2.com/A402445

Scroll down to the Responses header. Everything from there to the end is related to your topic to various degrees.

Are you looking for ways to win a fight or ways to avoid them? because if it's the later I realy think there's only one option.

Well, it was ways to avoid them. But like you said the run option is really the only one to consider.

So lets change the subject slightly. How do I win a fight if its impossible to avoid it? Taking into account I dont know any martial arts and cant be bothered to learn, and I'm not very big.

OK then....quick ways to win, or at least survive long enough to run like f**k when the option presents itself.

Hooloovoo

Try avoiding a fight by:

a) Being very good at them or at least making everyone else believe you are. At school a friend of mine was considered the 'hardest' guy, people were so awestruck he never had to prove it. He a was softie really, and is now the 'feminine half' of a relationship with another guy.

b) By having someone in your company who likes fighting and who will leap in and fight instead. However with company like that, 50% of the time he'll start it. Oh and it can end up very messy.

c) Try reasoning, grovelling, lying, bribery and even self-humiliation in the attempt to avoid combat, whilst noting all possible means of escape. I remember once many years ago, some beer monster got quite nasty in the belief that I was chatting up his girlfriend. Following the above steps I finally told him it was impossible and that I was gay, and had no interest in anything other than chat. He looked quite taken aback and the tension evapourated immediately. I lied, I'm not gay, and of course I was chatting up his girlfriend, but she'd been sitting on her own for about 40 mins so I reckon that was his fault.

d) Avoid as much contact with your fellow human beings as possible, quite a lot of them, espeically the ones with excessive testostorone. Fighting is quite an enjoyable pastime to lot of them.

Does that help at all? You can probably tell I wasn't very good at fighting, so I got good at avoiding them.

I thought of one another trick I've seen used before. If you're inside, insist on taking the fight 'outside' and then motion towards the door. When your would-be attacker heads for the exit, run very quickly out the back way.

Winning fights, hmm...here a few ideas

use the previously mentioned methods of avoiding the fight then sneak back later and launch a surprise assault on your opponent making sure the first blow is deadly.

only argue with people who are missing several limbs, though this method failed in Monty Pythons Holy Grail.

if you're a woman fighting a decnt gentleman, then you've already won cos he wont hit you back.

pick a fight only when you have a military alliance with someone like the US, and you happen to have a well armed contigent of friendly soldiers. This is not good to try on opponents, who have similar military arrangements with other countries.

redefine the defintion of 'winning' to something like 'well I'm gonna be hospital for a few weeks, but hell ripped his shirt'.

be mike tyson.

and finally as Ford Prefect chided Zaphod in the GUIDE, 'go to pieces so fast that they get hit by the shrapnel'

Sorry I couldn't give any useful advice, but I'm not too good at winning fights.

Thanks Mylock, some good stuff there.

We're rolling now, come on lets keep this thread going. Keep the ideas coming guys...

Hooloovoo

FIGHTS

Ways to avoid them.

1) Be alert! If you see some jerk looking for a fight, avoid being anywhere near them.
2) If confronted, run or bluff. Convince your opponent that you will win the fight and he/she will be going to the hospital or to the morgue. It does not matter if you can, only that they believe you can.

Ways to win

1) Fight as if your life depended on it! It's either him or you.
2) Gun, Shoot him. Do not bluff with a gun, this will get you killed. Draw, fire, fire, fire, holster the weapon, call the police. (phrase to remember "I shot to stop the threat on my life")
3) Fight dirty. Gouge the eyes (three stooges style), bite, kick, grab and break fingers, inflict as much pain as possible, if it hurts him, do it.
4) Other weapons. Mace, stun guns, batons, clubs, knifes, pepper spray. As with a gun these take some training and practice.

Woah! bit harsh.

Im trying to win the fight, not go to prison.

I am not talking about fighting for fun, I am talking about a real fight where your opponent wishes to do you harm. If you want to fight for fun then take up Judo, boxing, some forms of karate, or wrestling. But, if you are in danger, then you do whatever it takes to win.

If you do injure or even kill someone in the defense of your LIFE most DAs will not press charges. If they do, you would have a trial where your peers will judge what you did. If you where on the jury, would you convict someone for defending their life?

But still the best way to win a fight is not be in one. SO BE ALERT! Look for the troublemakers and avoid them. Make sure you are not where you don't belong and don't do stupid things that draw attention to yourself. Don't flash allot of money, don't cut people off in traffic, don't start any confrontations, be polite, courteous, and humble. But, if all of this doesn't work then it is time to RUMBLE. Hit first, hit hard and hit often.

Yeah, fair enough I suppose. I'll add it to the list!!

Any more suggestions??
Any one at all?

Hooloovoo

Hmmm....

Another method I have noticed for winning a fight, is to have a larger legal defence budget than your opponent.

Is this scraping the barrel or just redefining the concept of fight?

Pray tell.

Mylock.

PS. Apparently the best way to avoid predators is to taste terrible.