h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

My other half had a friend of hers staying last weekend... a male friend. We have been together for a couple of years. Prior to us getting together she had a casual relationship with him - mainly a series of connected one night stands.

On the evening of his arrival, she spent until three in the morning talking to him.

When I tried to gently broach the issue that this had made me feel very uncomfortable she said that she didn't understand this and she was pretty sure if the roles were reversed she wouldn't feel this way and she wasn't going to stop seeing him. The thing is I wasn't asking her to stop seeing him - I never even mentioned that. I just wanted to explain that it made me feel uncomfortable.

Am I being unreasonably insecure?

From my perspective, as another man, I don't think you are being too insecure. And if you were indeed, "gentle" about the approach to the question ... I don't see a reason for any major conflicts. I can, and have, accepted other friends from the past of my wife. For atleast the first little while, it seems natural to just wonder a bit, ... but then I let it go and trust her. Implicitly.

I have seen, because of an ex-wife and her mates about, that women do see things differently. So it really will take one or more women to respond with their "take" on it all.

And in the end, men will see and feel things one way, and women another. It is simply the nature of the species.

I think I can understand that you are somehow uncomfortable, and I think i can understand your wife's reaction, too. It's not a matter of right or wrong, but of emotions, which can never really be explained. You'll have to find a way to live with it, maybe you just join the converstion next time ?

B'Elana, you have that exactly right. With one long-time friend of milady, I did settle in to the conversation. Not for long, but enough to feel comfortable, and to know that there really was no threat I suppose. After that, I was away to the rest of the night with an easier mind.

I certainly don't think you're being unreasonable. If your partner is not letting you communicate that you're uncomfortable then she has some issues.

On the flipside, of course, you've got to ask yourself whether you trust your other half to be up until the wee hours with this chap and not succumb to any advances he may make. If you have that trust, you needn't feel uncomfortable.

B

It might be down to her thinking they're just talking, whereas you think any guy will have a hidden agenda. So it seems innocent to her, and therefore you seem unreasonable. Whereas from your perspective, you don't trust that guy to not make advances.

As a guy, I'd say you were being perfectly reasonable.

Maybe your fears would be allayed (or the opposite) if you got to know the chap in question?

I've changed the subject line.

It depends, about 500%, on *how* you said what you said, and on *how* she replied. What you said hardly matters.

If you were accusatory or angry, then you will have got a bad response. If she was defensive/agressive then you need to deal with that before you deal with the 4 hour chat.

Is it unreasonable to feel uneasy about your main squeeze talking till 3.00am with an ex? It is certainly understandable.

But doesn't it say more about your relationship than about their friendship?

I would concentrate on the good things in your relationship with her, the reasons you started going out together in the first place, and having some fun - just because it's fun, and I would no concentrate on what may or may not be going on with her and her friend.

You say their encounter was more a series of one-night stands than anything else. Why did it stop, and were they always sober, always drunk, or some of each, when they happened?

Ben

You're doing a good thing by allowing this friendship to continue.

In the long run if you stiffled it in any way then you more likely to end up losing your wench (blackcountry vernacular).

Telling her you feel uncomfortable just screams of I think you might want to shag him or you might let him...whatever saying how you felt reveals your worries about infidelity and therefore to her some doubts about her.

Oh well youve done it now.

For a quick fix try: "

Im sorry I was thinking how I'd be. If I ever lost you and you were with someone else I know that given the smallest window of opportunity Id do my damndest to get you back"

"I shouldnt project that way but I cant help it my feelings are so strong for you that I just think everyone must feel the same way about you as I do"

Ive finished relationships when this kind of insecutiy has come up beore maybe I have been too precious about being 100% trusted but if a woman cant believe in my commitment then what's the point.

Tread very carefully. Good luck.

im pretty sure id be unsettled too so no i dont think you were unreasonable.im not exactly feeling secure in my own relationship at the mo either

I wouldn't call it unreasonable to feel uncomfortable with the situation, nor to try to discuss that feeling with your other half. Feelings *aren't* always reasonable. That doesn't mean they're invalid.

As Ben pointed out, (I just reread Ben's post, and yeah, what she said.)

I guess this is a good time to figure out whether your feelings have anything to do with her behavior within your relationship, or whether they're based in your *own* insecurities/past experiences. There's nothing wrong with talking about it to her, once you've sorted that bit out and can express where you're really coming from. Amongst 'reasonable' people, that might be a good starting point towards a mutually agreeable solution.