h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Can't believe you objected in the first place.

Well who the f**k asked you?

Touchy.

You just posted on it on the thread. So I guess you did. Don't take it personaly. Your money, do with it what you wish

anhaga: This is why I try to avoid posting personal anecdotes... people who know nothing about the situation start making snap judgements and/or second-guessing you.

Sorry... that was supposed to be addressed to azahar. I get those two names confused sometimes.

Well, at least you don't think I'm a man and anhaga is a woman, which has happened to both of us here.

In all fairness, Blatherskite, you can't use personal anecdotes on a public debate forum and then expect that people won't respond to them.

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No it isn't! (shall we go for the whole five minutes?)

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I believe I also said that, or something similar.

In fact, I only know two couples whose relationship I admire. Not that I'd want one 'just like theirs' but I certainly admire qualities about them. I don't see why that's silly.


az

>> It strikes me that many men behave as though they do want to be mothered - but they want sex as well. I guess there are also women looking for a father figure. All depends whether you want to dominate, be dominated, or have an equal partnership.

Interesting that the presupposition is that men who want to be mothered and women who want a father figure want to be dominated.

Equally, they could want to be cherished, protected and supported.



Regarding Blatherskite's anecdote, surely the point is that he takes responsibility for balancing the family budget, (oh how I wish I could find some poor sucker to do that for me!) but that outside the budget he and his wife have their separate fun monies to do what they like with?

Don't tell anyone, but that is much the way things were arranged during my marriage, except for the fact that I was making my own money. My ex oversaw the welfare of the communal pot because it suited him to and it suited me not to.

B

I'm sure I saw something on TV a while back that the majority of men hand over their entire pay packet to their wife, counter to a commonly held picture of men doling out housekeeping or blowing the lot in the pub/betting shop.
Each to their own, as many of us keep saying - as long as both partners are happy about the arrangements, that's fine.

Now here's a thought that occurred to me this morning. Do some fathers behave more like children to compete with their offspring for attention? Can anyone recall if their man/woman was different pre/post children? Perhaps the culture of fathers getting more involved with their children will have an impact on the way relationships alter post the arrival of children?

PS

I didn't mean that being mothered/dominated/whatever is necessarily negative. Again, it's back to the importance of both partners being happy with the situation. Roles could even alternate from time to time!

Anyone in the UK catch 'Make me a perfect wife' last night? Five otherwise sane-looking couples have agreed to take part. The wives have to give up work and dedicate themselves to satisfying their husbands every whim - basically to become the fabled 50's wife. It was horrendous, why would anyone volunteer for this? After I said it would be awful for the women, J (my fiance ) commented that the men probably wouldn't enjoy it as much as they thought either as few people must really want a master/slave relationship rather than a partnership.

Mostly the men's rules meant they had to do nothing in the house or with the children, the wife had to 'look nice' for her man at all times, and be available for sex whenever he wanted it - although the guys were unsure/unhappy about enforcing that (thank goodness).

I think one of the worst things was that one of the guys set the rule that his wife was responsible for 100% of the childcare. She asked 'but what about reading their bedtime stories?' and he replied that she had to do it. This strikes me as stupid and cutting off his nose to spite his face - he loses out on interaction with his children and they lose contact with their father for a month.

The whole program struck me as unnecessary destruction-testing of relationships.

I note 'fabled' 50s wife - like the adverts of the day? I didn't see the programme, but like many of these re-creations, I suspect it selected an image of the time rather than the reality.

My Mum was a 50s housewife. I suspect that most men just didn't have time to help in the house, working hours were longer. Without supermarkets & modern appliances, housework took up more time too.

However, I'm sure that many men did help when they could - my Dad did DIY & gardening & I certainly remember doing things with him. My Mum was certainly no slave, although she did (from choice) make sure she was available to greet my Dad on his return from work, with a meal ready on the table.

I was emailed an article from Housekeeping Monthly from 1955 with a Good Wife Guide in it - it has been circulating for a while so you may have seen it. That is the kind of thing I'm talking about - particularly the bits about 'Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement, Remember, he is the master of the house, you have no right to question him. A good wife always knows her place'

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Sounds more to me like scraping the very bottom of the idea barrel in order to come up with something even stupider than the stupidest of these bizarre competitions and 'reality' shows that have been infesting television the past few years. But obviously 'Stupid Sells' otherwise they wouldn't keep coming up with worse and more insulting 'geared to the lowest common denominator' programmes like this one.


az

Regarding pay packets and paying bills, we have a great system that seems to work. We both have single accounts and one joint account. Each month a set amount from both sides goes into the joint account and this services the mortgage, Gas, Electric, water, Poll tax, etc, etc.
We pretty much pay for everything on Credit cards so the rest of my money pays all those bills while what is left of Wifey's goes into savings (or is delved into if the central account goes into the red)

Fun money then comes purely out of the savings account.
It all seems to balance out fine.........

Xanatic, your comment a while back reminded me of a couple of men I know;"I don't see the connection between not communicating much, and being a nice guy. You could well be considered Nice Guy, while at the same time keeping your feelings and thoughts to yourself. I keep my mouth shut most of the time, I think it's more my actions that make me come off as a nice guy."
When you wrote that your actions speak for themselves and communicate that you're a nice guy-did you mean in partnerships or just in general? Because I've been in scenarios where it's really unclear what those nice, non-communicative guys are thinking at all, because well, they're just nice and charming to most everyone. So it's hard to tell without some verbal confirmation whether the nice guy behavior is meant to convey interest in me, or someone else, or whether it's just generalized. I think it's "nice" also, to communicate specifically to people why they are important in one's life, why you prefer to spend time with them rather than the millions of other choices amongst humans on this planet. Why keep your feelings and thoughts to yourself? I mean, it'd probably be obnoxious to be constantly broadcasting them to everyone you meet, but aren't those a few of the things that make people interesting?

I agree with you, iristiger, that being 'nice' doesn't have a real connection as to how people communicate. Some 'nice guys' communicate a lot, others don't. But I don't think people who are actually 'nice' should think this precludes having to communicate in other ways, especially if their partner requires some other form of communication.

It goes back to what I said about couples needing to find a common language. To be able to communicate in a way that both of them can understand.

To the people on this thread who strongly feel they shouldn't need to communicate in any other way than what is *their way* of communicating I can only ask - then how do you ever expect others to understand you?

As I said before, HD is not the best at communicating. I've told him I need a bit more than that. So we meet somewhere half-way. He tries a bit harder to *say stuff* and I try harder not to want or need more than that. And the 'half-way' point is simply about respecting our personal differences, whilst also appreciating the effort both of us are making to make those differences a bit less different.

I personally feel that good communication is the basis of any solid relationship. And that takes work, patience, understanding and effort. And sometimes it isn't easy, but I always think it is worth the effort.

az