h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Dear Editor-person,

I write in the cold light of Greenwich Mean Time. In spite of a couple of hours of kip, however, I am still bloody furious.

I spent the early part of yesterday evening in the delightful company of a particularly well-rounded and dark-eyed little Common or Harbour Seal, who was evidently well up for a spot of what we might euphemistically call "fish tennis". Phoca Vitulina would have been a shoe-in, if you'll forgive my mixing of anatomical metaphors. (No, I am not a foot-fetishist. Pedal extremities are pretty well vestigial in this phylum, matey).

Anyway, to get back to the story, I unwisely opted for some ostensibly real tennis instead. Yes, you'd better believe it. I actually passed up an opportunity for intimate blubber contact in order to watch Tim Bloody Henman.

This brings me to the point of my letter. I demand that a campaign is launched immediately. The object of this campaign will be the creation of a new nation. This nation will be tentatively associated with Great Britain, but will be distinct from it. So that the occupants of these put-upon islands may dissociate themselves from it whenever necessary.

I have tried to give some thought to a suitable name for this new nation. Ideally, the name should have an indirect and yet witty British connotation, while at the same time intimating detachment. Unfortunately, just at the moment my creative juices are somewhat diluted with vitriol, so I propose for now to refer to this new nation by the slightly less erudite epithet of Dogzarse. Merely a working title, you understand. Please bear with me on this.

Mr Tim Henman will henceforth represent Dogzarse, rather than Great Britain, at tennis. Our various pariah institutions will also be reallocated. For example, the national airline will in future be known as Dogzarse Airways.

The UK will, from today, be referred to in full title as the United Kingdom of Dogzarse and Northern Ireland, in order to ameliorate the sense of disquiet most of us feel when listening to Unionist politicians. Dogzarse, and not Britain, will conduct our relationship with dodgy foreign powers and dignitaries, too. We might consider ceding our membership of the European Union to Dogzarse. Less contentiously, we can all surely agree that future dealings with George Dubya should be properly left to Dogzarse.

Oh, yes. And there will be a new alternative Commonwealth created, to operate at a safe and sanitary distance from the real one. It will initially have two members, Dogzarse and Zimbabwe.

The British Parliament will naturally legislate for Dogzarse, since most of its citizens will by definition be incapable of running a proverbial in a brewery, let alone of any degree of self-government. Dogzarse will have a completely different judicial and fiscal framework to Britain's, however. For instance, personal taxation in Dogzarse will be punitive, to compensate for the fact that its citizens tax the rest of us so severely.

I do feel that this idea is worthy of further development, and so I offer it to the Community as a conversation piece. I have a few dozen unallocated Dogzarse passports in my keeping, ready for distribution to suitable nominees. Please note, however, that we are going to need some serious publicity in order to give this campaign some momentum. For this reason, I would be most grateful if you would also forward this letter to the Director General of the Dogzarse Broadcasting Corporation.

Aaaahhhh....the apoplexy seems to be receding at last. Thanks for the catharsis. I'm off now, to plead with that gorgeous little Phoca.

Yours, etc
Pinniped

You realise, of course, that he would immediately win the Grand Slam.

Can we make Margaret Thatcher a former Prime Minister of Dogzarce?

And whilst we're at it, the Windsors the Royal Family of Dogzarce?

All I can say, Pinniped, is that not only is your missive a delight to read, it actually describes an idea that many of us would at times like these quite cheerfully subscribe to. Poetic, heartfelt and an original concept to boot. Excellent.

PS Would it be possible to arrange for politicians to be automatically deported to Dogzarse at the end of their term of office? Please?

I really can't comment on this proposal because I don't live in Dogzarce. I live in the neighbouring country of Spudz-R-Us.