h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

And some corn fell onto the hard ground where it perished.

and lo the corn did fall, and dent the bonnet of the car and thrily did the poliece man walk to the car and say
'excuese me sir can you breath into this'
proferred turnips fhrily an dmhrily did they sing, and younder hedge did woddle to the edge of the road and yea, and yea again did the lamposts cry as the overn door opened and a badger stepped onto the crease oh yea oh yea oh yea oh mhrily thilry day oh yea

Lo the old testicle prophit foresaw that in the year of our Bob 850 and 1 the badgers would issue forth, and fifth, and great balls would smite the badgers with googlies and in swing. Lettuce spray, all kale to the most turnipful.

ahhh nighthoover with art thought nighthoovr badger first manacles
amen lettuce fhacn and chasn and cahsio and zoing and chant BoBoB fore untold to turnipful most thrily

All kale to the most turnipful
And Lo twas fcreed that the word and sign of Bob would rain down on the nighthooverites and their brains would be in mighty need of aural WD40ing.
And he spake in piddles thus

I relieve Bob the fava all nightly
the creature of raisin and mirth
and tin juices sprite Rizla Sun our Ford

Who was concaved with holly sprite
swarm of Virgin Atlantic
surfed with Pontins pilates
was crucibled, fried and berried

Rincewind the bell

Thursday the roast again from Fred
he absynthed the raisin
and stands around with Bob the fava all nightly
an offence curmudgeon the liver fred

I relieve holly sprite and holey cathodic perch
Rugby Union taints
Guinness in tins
the erection of Noddy
and wife blasting

Our hen

thriley I found the mhrilymnent of the turnipful is frible whence most ghrily as it be zen-like in nihgthooverableity and raisens oh yea

Inn the beg henning Bob crated the heavings and the Art. The Art was wild out, ferm and Voit, and David's wart was upon his face (awfully deep) and the Spirits of Bob were moving his face over the waters (yea verily the porcelain framed waters)for the heavings. And Bob said, "Turn on the light"; and there was light. And Bob saw that the light was good, it improved his aim; and Bob wondered who turned the light on. Bob cleaned in the light and called it Daydyson, and when he cleaned in darkness he called it Nighthoover. And there was evening and there was morning, times to rest. And Bob said, "Let there be a fire mints in the midst of the waters, since I just took some not an hour ago" And Bob saw the firemints and that made him ill again which hid the fire mints. And it was so. And Bob called the fire mints Halls. And there was evening and there was morning, more time to rest. And Bob said, "Let the waters under the heavings be flushed together into one place, along with the mess I have made appear." And it was so. Bob called the dry cleanable parts Carpet, and the wet bits that were gathered together on what he called Tile. And Bob saw that it was good. And Bob said, "Let the Cleaning Lady clean froth, plants, fruit seed, Lunch, and Spirits each according to its kind, upon the Tile." And it was so. The Cleaning Lady brought forth Dettol, mops, and buckets, each according to its kind. And Bob saw that it was good. And there was evening and there was morning, still another rest period. And Bob said, "Let he who brought lights in the firmament of the Bathroom to separate the dayDyson from the nighthoover; and let them be signs for followers for days and years, and let them be lights in the firmament of the Bathroom to give light upon the tile." And it was so. And Bob made the two great lights, the DayDyson to rule the day, and the Nighthoover to rule the night; he made up stars names also. And Bob set them in the hallway and the foyer and the front room to give cleanliness and something to do, to rule over the day and over the night, and to separate the tile from the rug and carpet. And Bob saw that it was good. And there was evening and there was morning, still MORE rest time. And so on this day Nighthoover took dominion of all but the tile, badgers included. So Bob created the an H2G2 account system, with which the servers swarm, according to their kinds, and every badger according to its kind. And Bob saw that it was good. And Bob waited for Nighthoover to talk unto us, hopefully saying, "Wassup?" And there was evening and there was morning, even MORE rest but no post. And Bob said, "So what's with this, it's a perfect medium for a minor deity?" And it was so. And Bob hoovered at night and made Cleaninglady appointments for the tile cleaning, as was his habit. And Bob saw that it was good. Then Nighthoover said, "i want 2 cancel this account what 2 do" So Bob was sorely vexed, but bided his time. And Nighthoover said "so i got stuck here" And Bob saw that it was good for yea, verily it meant Nighthoover was sticking around.

Can I get an aimin'?

Yeah vrrhily... Lettuce spry!


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and the lands about did indeed smitten and smite unto their own kind and form teh smited came the kebabs and pizza and chinese and curry of all sorts and colours, and thirley did they eateth the curry and oh yea thrily was the kebab most kebab like in its kebabness oh yea oh yea oh yea and mhrily amongst this did move the drinkers and the drunk oh yea oh yea oh yea fhrily the most turnipful spry and spray which is a pity really oh yea oh yea oh yea

Look! Its me! Bunnyfrog The Doubter! I hath tracked the hoover to an obscure cave over a period of many days travel. He laughed that anybody wanted his word for anything and commanded that all future recipes should be written in prose form.
A nice man.

really? if not then get thee to a nunery!
cheers
ford

Lettuce read from the great 1:1 The words of the Preachers, the followers of nighthoover, king of all.

1:2 hooverly followers of Nighthoover, saith the Preacher, Nighthoovers of Hooverlyness; all is hoover. Oh yea, for it is so, a thousand yeas for it is
so, and yea again, lettuce sucketh all as mightly as we may, oh yea.

1:3 What profit hath a man of all his labour which he taketh under the hoover?

1:4 One generation passeth away, and another generation cometh: but the Hoover abideth for ever. n
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lettuce chant and spry

Oh yeah
All kale to the most turnipful and Bob the fava
Oh yeah

yea lettuce prostrate ourselves

Or verilly prostate
Our hen

For he doth speak in piddles

aul keil the nost turnipful thirly and mhrily lurttice piddrle!!

Ok, gather around chilren...

I'm going to tell you a story....



Once upon a time there was a young man called nighthoover. And everywhere he went he swept up the dust. He especially loved sweeping up the dust that would build up on the skirting boards behind the sofa where no one ever looked.

Well one night whilst nighthoover was busy cleaning some dust off of a credenza in Brighton he saw giant dust bunny on the lawn. It was huge. It was more like a dust rhinocerocerosceros than a bunny. Nighthoover was frightened, but he didn't show it. He just kept telling himself that it was only dust. He squeezed his eyes tight and when he opened them, the giant dust bunny was gone.

So nighthoover went back to cleaning. At nearly three in the morning, when nighthoover was just finishing the sweeping in the foyer, he turned around and was face to face with that giant dust bunny!

He let out a little shriek, but stood his ground.

In a quivering voice he said, "G-g-g-g-go away, you nasty dust bunny!!"

The giant dust bunny grinned and said, "How about I stay here and YOU go away?.. Heh heh heh."

But nighthoover was resolute and with one quick swish of his handy nozzle the dust bunny was vanquished!

And he lived happily ever after...





Until the loess leapords came......

tat ist suktch a sadd sorey *sniff*

Yes... because eventually nighthoover _did_ go away, didn't s/he?


I shall now quote from one of the ancient writings of the Hooverite Arabs, Al-Mujma' al-Jabbar li-Ma'rafat Munazzifi al-Ghubar (The Magnificent [or Gigantic] Compilation for the Knowledge of the Cleaners of the Dust):

'An as-Samir Muhammad bin Ghabur 'an abihi 'an sadiqihi min ahl al-Khammara qala: Qala Dhu ar-Rijlayni: Lamma yunazzaf al-ghubar yunazzaf fi sa'aat al-layl qabla al-subh, wa-dhalika min ism an-Nabi al-Mastur 'Naythufir' al-ladhi fihi kilmat 'nayt' ma'naha al-layl; wa-idha atat as-sallat fa-sillu, wa-idha 'atishtum fa-shrabu, wa-idha la yu'ajjibkum al-'amal fa-ntaliqu fa-'malu ma turidunahu; Fanoosaly.

And in a FIRST rendering into English:

By the Samir [see note 1] Muhhamad son of Ghabur, by his father, by his friend from the people of the Pub, who said: Dhu ar0Rijlayni [see note 2] said: When the dust is to be cleaned, it is to be cleaned in the hours of the night before the morning, and this comes to us from the name of the Hidden Prophet 'Nighthoover', which has in it the word 'night' which means night; and if the prayer-time hath arrived then pray, and if you thirst then drink, and if you don't like this work then go and do what you want; Lettuce Spry.


[Note 1] Samir: Lit. 'Night-discourser, a friend for talking at night' ('strue, check a dictionary!). A high religious title among the Hooverite Arabs.

[Note 2] Dhu ar-Rijlayni: Lit. 'The Two-Legged', apparently an ancient Arab Hooverite leader, one of the first to follow the Prophet.

Amen!